Engaged, but fell in love w/someone else

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2006
Engaged, but fell in love w/someone else
13
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 9:06am

I have been engaged for almost a year. I truly do love my fiance but I have to admit we dont have a sex life, and sometimes I cant stand to be around him. We have decided to buy a house- what am I saying we found one and make a bid in less then a week. So what is the problem besides the sex life and maybe not getting enough alone time?

Well for the last 6 months we have had a HUGE drop in our sex life. I could say alot of it is me and me not having a drive at all. But I know I do- I know it's him that I'm not sexually interested in.

About 2 months ago I had stared talking to someone I had known a long time ago but didnt know very well. We have just talked as friends. Well the last few weeks I've seen him many times. Strictly as friends. Last weekend- we kissed. We also hug ALOT- I LOVE hugging him. Maybe some would say this is Lust- and I've asked myself that. Since I really dont have a sexual relationship with my bf maybe I just want lust. Well this past few days I've come to realize that it's not Lust- I really do have a desire and want for this other man. I talk to him always- and just knowing he's there is driving me nuts because I want to spend time with him. Knowing that I can run over and see him makes me WANT to more. I honestly feel I've fallen in love with this man. Should I take actions? Or should I simply tell myself it's Lust and go on with a marriage that someday might kick me in the butt with a divorce. I mean I know I could make anything work with my soon-to-be husband but will I laugh and be happy during???

This other man makes me laugh- smile if I'm having a bad day. He lifts me up when I'm down. He is so much of a man too- which I love.

I'm sooo confused! And to add stress- I have to make a choice ASAP!!!!!!!!!!
HELP!!!:(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 11:19am

beehive7...

It's pretty clear (to Pianoguy anyway) that YOU AREN'T READY TO BECOME A WIFE & MOM to anybody right now!

"Love or lust" IS a major issue! It's foolish for women (or men) to "go on with the flow of prenuptial events" if the feelings aren't there for the partner they THINK they're in love with!

Would you PLEASE do 2 things for me:

A. BE HONEST with yourself when it comes to what YOU want right now. If it's not marriage, break the engagement NOW!

after that...

B. COME CLEAN with your fiancee because he's under the assumption that you love him!

Both of you deserve some form of happiness.....whether it's with each other or someone else?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 11:31am

Thank You for your words.
I totally agree with you! I have asked my bf if we can post-pone our wedding. He agreed. I'm thinking that he was having doubts himself. I do want to try this relationship as we have for 2 years. We've been though SO much that I think this house buying thing will be a good slow step to our relationship. I can't imagine not being with my bf. I want to try. But what about this other guy? I honestly feel he is a great man and dont want to hurt him either!

My bf and I have been through so many up's and down's that we've build trust and stregth! I dont want to throw that away if I still love him.

How do know KNOW if someone is the one? How do you KNOW if you shouldnt look any further?
I mean how do you really know when that person is the ONE?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 10:28pm

I think the idea that anyone is the "ONE" is a huge myth. There are thousands and thousands of people who are potentially right for us.

And I don't think you ever *know* that someone is right for you. I think you make the best, most educated guess that you can and you go with it. If that means going to counseling, or taking some time off from the relationship to think about it, then do whatever you need to feel comfortable with your decision. But if you're waiting for flashing neon lights saying "this is the guy", I think you'll be waiting forever.

But you have to make a choice: IMO it is not fair to your fiance, the man you claim to love, to be having any sort of relationship with this other man. If you want that relationship, then you have to give up your fiance. If you want to work on things with your fiance, then you have to give up the other man. You can't have both. That's just plain greedy and unfair.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 11:07am

If you even have to question whether or not someone is the one for you, then they probably aren't. The relationship with your boyfriend has some serious flaws if you've stopped having sex and you've developed this intense longing for another man. It's absolutely not fair to your boyfriend what you're doing. He's got to be confused and perplexed about why you're not desiring sex with him, and maybe that's why he's agreed to postpone the wedding. He probably senses that something is wrong but he no idea it's that you're desiring someone else.

Buying a house together in a week considering what's going on probably is a horrible idea. If things don't work out and you split up, would either of you be able to afford the house without the other? If the answer is no, then it could be a costly mistake and you might have to immediately turn around and sell the house.

If you don't want to hurt your boyfriend, then you need to be more honest with him to avoid hurting him much worse in the long run. You can't work on the relationship if you're seeing someone else. That absolutely would have to stop. Premarital counseling is a good idea for any couple considering marriage, but it's definitely something you should look into as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 1:02pm

I agree with Kellyann that buying a house together considering the current situation is a very bad idea. I actually think though that the fact that you could be selling the house after only living in it for a year is just one part of the problem. I think the even bigger problem is that things can get very messy if you try to break up after you own a house together. I have heard some horror stories that make it sound like the hassles of divorce would be quite minor compared to the hassles of breaking up after buying a house with somebody you weren't married to. I really don't think buying a house together is a SLOW step forward at all.

One other thing that kind of struck me about your last post is that you mention that the reason your relationship won't break up is because you've been through so many ups and downs over the past. Every situation is different, and I don't know what exactly has happened with you and your boyfriend. What I do know though is that research has found the more rocky a relationship was in the years when the couple was a dating, the HIGHER their chances are for divorce.

I had a good friend who had been her boyfriend for seveb years before they got married. They'd always had a difficult relationship with lots of fighting and arguing. Plus, it sounded clear to me when I spoke to her that she didn't really want to get married. She married him anyway though. A year later they were getting divorced. When I asked her afterwards why she'd married him with all the problems they'd been having in the relationship, she told me, "Because we'd had so many troubles in our relationship and we hadn't broken up yet, I thought that meant that we'd be able to handle any problems that came our way and never break up." Afterwards when I read about the study which found that couples who had the rockiest relationships filled with the most ups and downs were more likely to be the first couples to divorce, I wished I could have told her about that before she married him. So when I hear you say, "my boyfriend and I have been through so many ups and downs" as a reason for why you should be marrying him, it just makes me raise some eyebrows.

To answer your question about how do you know if somebody is the one, I can really only answer that question for me and my boyfriend. I could probably write several pages about why I think he's the one if I wanted to. But what it really all boils down to is this. He's my best friend. We get along really well. We want the same things out of life. We just look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. I know problems can arise in every relationship at any point, but I know I can count on him to work with me on solving whatever problems may arise, and I know it's worth sticking together through the problems to always have him in my life. I also know that it's very possible to fall for another person at any point in time, but I know if that happened to me, it would never be worth risking what I've got with him to pursue a new relationship no matter how perfect the other person might seem at the beginning. I know that even though we're not married yet, just because of the person he is and the relationship that we've got, if I were to become completely paralyzed tomorrow, he would devote the rest of his life to taking care of me. I know I would feel obligated to do the same for him and take care of him if he became paralyzed. It's something that I've thought a lot about, and the only reason I would ever think it was a good idea to break up with him would be if he got a mental illness or serious head injury that completely changed his personality and made him a much nastier person. For me, the wedding is just a way to formalize the commitment that we already have to one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:49am

I totally agree with all of your post. (Everyone!)
Thank you all for your help and advice.

I am so asshamed of what I have done. I feel so deep in a whole right now.
I feel that I know I love my bf and couldnt be without him so I have decided to try it again. Give him my all and no lies. Although what I've done with 'the other guy' should be kept to myself to prevent hurting my bf. I will not be going to see 'him' and will give my all to my bf. I want a life with him- but we sometimes do not see eye to eye which is why I drifted in the first place. The no sex life thing bugs me and I honesly dont know if we'll ever get that back. But I do love him. I mean when your in a relationship how do you know if it's good or bad? How do you know if you should keep going on when maybe you shouldnt be. How do you know!? I mean we bicar (little fights/misunderstandings) alot. I'm still confused if he's the one. But I do feel we need to live together and TRY it out. Only because our recent lifestyle is not working. Because we're both always annoying eachother. Only because he wants his own stuff around and he's always at my house. Once we have a house together both our things will be there for us to go off in our 'own' worlds but still be together.

Questin is. What do I do about the other guy. I do know I started to care about him. I dont want to crush him and just say LATER! How do I do this transformation I've decided on nicely? And do you think what I've decided on is right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:04pm
Hey girl. I too was in a relationship that went from awesome to NO sex. And it literally broke us up. I just found I wasn't attracted to him anymore. And if there is no sexual attraction, I truly do believe the relationship will suffer. Be glad you are finding this out before getting hitched.
You're gonna have to break it off, sister
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:37pm

So SEX is that important eh?
I am guessing so. I mean I cant even stand him touching me anymore. Like in bed I love having me close to him. But kissing and sex isnt the same. And I feel myself longing it from someone else- anyone else!

I mean I do think all we've been through has made us not so into sex. Well let me say that again- ME not into it. He's 110% into it still. It's sad.

Thanks for your reply:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:47pm
haha. this reminds me SOOOO much of me and my ex. granted, we didn't have a house nor were we engaged, but it was the SAME situation. i knew that i had lost 'that loving feeling' for him and it really did end up ruining our relationship because he wanted it and i just couldn't fake being into it, ya know? i think the last year of our relationship (we were together 2 years) we had sex maybe twice. I SWEAAAR! yeah, girl, it seems to me it is time to move on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 1:00pm

So the house buying is in process.
I am NOT on the house papers though. Which was a good idea from the get go.
I have started to relax more with with my current relationship. I have tried to be the good gf I can be to him.

Is it true you sometimes fall out of love with someone but still love them as a person?
I know I still love 'him' but I dont have those sexual feelings or that 'oh my gosh I miss you' feelings towards him anymore. And I know I used to alot!

I guess I just am scared that if I gave up now I would regret it.

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