Engaged but still crazy for my ex
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Engaged but still crazy for my ex
| Wed, 05-11-2005 - 5:00pm |
OK, here's my story. Until a month ago, I was involved in a relationship for a year and a half. I truly loved my boyfriend, but everytime we had a major fight, he would dump me. He always begged me to take him back days later, saying that he didn't mean for things to get so out of hand. I know now that he only dumped me to "win the fight", knowing in the back of his head that I would take him back later. My parents grew to hate and resent him for this. Well, I began seeing my friend Mike (who I had been majorly attracted to for 2 years) romantically aside from my boyfriend, and decided I was in love with him. Not too long after that, my boyfriend and I had another blowout and he dumped me again. I was upset, but ran into Mike's waiting arms that same night.
Instantly after my breakup, Mike and I officially became an item, and had talked about marriage. We got along very well and had the same religious and political beliefs and I decided that it was only logical to have a family with him one day. In the meantime, my ex begged for me to come back. He knew I was seeing Mike, but had no idea of the intensity of the relationship. I told him that he blew it, but I would still be there for him if he needed me. After only 2 weeks as an official couple, Mike proposed to me in a crowded, upscale restaurant. He didn't have much money, but had taken out a loan and bought me a platinum engagement ring with a .59 carat diamond solitaire. Of course I accepted and was thrilled. But the thrill has since worn off (my ex has no idea that we are engaged).
My ex has decided it is best for him not to contact me anymore because it hurts too bad to even think of me, but the thing is, I'm still in love with him. Mike treats me like royalty and always gushes about how excited he is about spending the rest of his life with me, but even though he treats me better than my ex did, he doesn't give me nearly the thrill that my ex does. Mike abandoned his lifelong dream to join the military this year just so he could be with me. He actually was all set to go but called his recruiter and cancelled. That's even more pressure on me to follow through with my promise. He even made DVDs out of his recorded proposal at the restaurant. I am just now seeing things in Mike that I don't like, and my ex is looking better and better to me.
I think we got engaged way too soon, but we aren't going to get married for at least another 2 years. Plus I actually wanted to marry him at the time. I know that Mike is the safer bet for a stable life, but I really can't stop thinking about my ex. I have to literally walk away from my phone to keep myself from texting him. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just can't hurt this man that I'm with because he is so good to me and my rejection would kill him, but I also don't want to let my ex go. Just the thought of him moving on makes me sick to my stomach. I can't stand the thought of losing touch with him. I know that I probably shouldn't marry Mike if I feel this way, but I'm hoping these feelings will pass and I will get over my ex because I simply had no time to grieve over my old relationship. Does anyone have any advice for me? Mind you, I still have 2 years to call it off.
Instantly after my breakup, Mike and I officially became an item, and had talked about marriage. We got along very well and had the same religious and political beliefs and I decided that it was only logical to have a family with him one day. In the meantime, my ex begged for me to come back. He knew I was seeing Mike, but had no idea of the intensity of the relationship. I told him that he blew it, but I would still be there for him if he needed me. After only 2 weeks as an official couple, Mike proposed to me in a crowded, upscale restaurant. He didn't have much money, but had taken out a loan and bought me a platinum engagement ring with a .59 carat diamond solitaire. Of course I accepted and was thrilled. But the thrill has since worn off (my ex has no idea that we are engaged).
My ex has decided it is best for him not to contact me anymore because it hurts too bad to even think of me, but the thing is, I'm still in love with him. Mike treats me like royalty and always gushes about how excited he is about spending the rest of his life with me, but even though he treats me better than my ex did, he doesn't give me nearly the thrill that my ex does. Mike abandoned his lifelong dream to join the military this year just so he could be with me. He actually was all set to go but called his recruiter and cancelled. That's even more pressure on me to follow through with my promise. He even made DVDs out of his recorded proposal at the restaurant. I am just now seeing things in Mike that I don't like, and my ex is looking better and better to me.
I think we got engaged way too soon, but we aren't going to get married for at least another 2 years. Plus I actually wanted to marry him at the time. I know that Mike is the safer bet for a stable life, but I really can't stop thinking about my ex. I have to literally walk away from my phone to keep myself from texting him. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just can't hurt this man that I'm with because he is so good to me and my rejection would kill him, but I also don't want to let my ex go. Just the thought of him moving on makes me sick to my stomach. I can't stand the thought of losing touch with him. I know that I probably shouldn't marry Mike if I feel this way, but I'm hoping these feelings will pass and I will get over my ex because I simply had no time to grieve over my old relationship. Does anyone have any advice for me? Mind you, I still have 2 years to call it off.

Hi and welcome maggski.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
Hi!
I think you should sign up for therapy. Seriously. You sound like me when I was younger. Always wanting and NEEDING that drama, because you equate it with love. Drama, high's and low's, passion, intensity, you equate that with love. That's why you loved Mike so much in the beginning, cuz it was new, it was exciting. it was fun. that's not love.
The other thing that I'm concerned with, is that you seem to want people you cna't have. You want your bf WHEN he leaves you now tha tyou're bored with another man you couldn't have but got.
Seriously. You seem to want the ppl that doesn't want you. And if they do, you want to run.
My serious advice, go to therapy. ask yourself why you are doign this, not only to yourself, but to the men in your life.
Lastly, your x sound typically passive aggressive. and well, they call it the slot machine effect...for your side. Meaning you sit there and wait and wait, cuz you know, if you just put a LITTLE more money in, you'll hit the jackpot..............chances are though, you never will. You don't seem to remmeber any bad your xbf did, or was. instead, you're making him out to be some great wonderful man who'll save you from this boredom called Mike.
I can't say if you should stay with Mike, but I think you should NOT go back to your x. Also, if you truly find Mike boring, leave him, he deserves better. and so do you.
~pineapple_girl
~pineapple_girl
Wow. I'm sorry, I know this is harsh, but selfishness evident in your post just blows me away.
At a MINIMUM, PLEASE let Mike go so he can find someone who truly LOVES him! The guy gave up his dreams and career for you!!! How can you live with that, knowing that you feel the way you do? LET HIM GO.
Sheri
I'm not a big fan of the "prolonging" strategy ... you stated << Mind you, I still have 2 years to call it off.>>
If you're heart isn't in it ... all that time spent will be a lie ... to yourself and to him. Wow, that's pretty unfair, isn't it?
Turn the tables, if he was having doubts ... if he just thought you were the "safer bet" ... wouldn't you want to know? It is SOOOO unfair to continue in this if your heart isn't in it ... I mean, sparing someone's feelings and prolonging what you know in your heart ... is just denying them their choice in it.
<< only 2 weeks as an official couple, Mike proposed to me in a crowded, upscale restaurant.>>
Ok, very clear case of being caught up in the whirlwind of a new romance. 2 weeks!!! Seriously? If he has any sense, he's going to GET IT ... that 2 weeks of courtship isn't enough to propose ... he'll understand that you need to call this off because getting engaged in the first place was incredibly hasty. And, though he'll very likely feel hurt initially ... he'll probably respect you more for recognizing the RIGHT thing to do.
Bottom line ... your ex doesn't sound like that great of a catch if he all he wants to do is break up and make up ... and Mike doesn't have your heart ... let 'em both go. Give yourself some SPACE ... which is what SHOULD HAVE done before jumping into things with Mike.
Good luck! ! !
I have to agree with the other posters. What you are doing to Mike is horribly unfair and completely selfish. I should know, I almost did the same thing about 8 years ago. I was enegaged to my high school sweetheart and I thought the best thing for me to do is what everyone else seemed to want me to do and marry him. We got engaged.
I ended it six months before we were to be married. My heart simply wasn't in it. He was my best friend and I did love him and we got along well, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing out on something else, someone else. And I knew it was completely unfair of me to deny him the opportunity to meet someone who was just as crazy about him as he was about them and that wasn't me.
It was hard and scary and it really sucked and I was REALLY afraid I had blown posisbly my best shot at happiness, but here I am 8 years later engaged to that someone else that was out there, and it's fabulous and I thank God I didn't go with safe and adoring, i took the chance and found the guts to go oout there and find someone who I am 100% in love with just like he is with me.
Don't do this, you aren't doing ANYONE any favors, least of all yourself or Mike.
Also, I have to agree the ex sounds like bad news too. You deserve to be with someone who is mature enough to discuss his feeling and have an ADULT relationship, which is obviously not him.
I know it's hard and frightening because I've been through it too, but I can promise you one thing, someday you'll be really glad you listened and did the right thing instead of taking what looks like the easy way out and going along for the ride.
Hey listen it seems if anybody here understands where you are coming from it is me because I am in the same boat you are except for why my ex and I aren't together.
Here is part of my post I just posted this week on the "Single Mothers and Dating" Message Board. I know it isn't going to help you with your decision, but I thought that it might help you to know that there is someone else out there going through the same thing you are.
"Let me start at the begining. My son Wesley and his father Brant and I were engaged in 2002 to be married that October, but in August I found out that I was pregnant and wanted to postpone the wedding until after I had Wesley so that I wouldn't be pregnant when I walked down the isle. After we had Wesley I keep making excuses for putting off the wedding even longer until November of 2003 when I finally ended the relationship because I was not 100% sure that it would work forever and if it wasn't going to work forever I didn't want our son to know anything of us being together and then getting a divorce. I thought that it was better for us to just never be togehter as far as he could remember anyway. Well since the break-up we have always told each other that we love each other. I have myself tried to have other relationship and they have not worked and so has he up until this year. When Brant got married in March. He now has a baby on the way with is wife, Anna. I myself resently meet a guy and became engaged two weeks later. Having become engaged I have realized several things including the fact that I am still in love with Brant and that I made a huge mistake in leaving him. He also has voiced these same feelings to me about his own situation with Anna that he loves her, but he feels like she pressured him into marrying her and that he would rather be with me. What should I do? Do we try to make things work the way they are or should we try to be together?"
I wish that I could help you, but I can't so at least maybe I can comfort you in knowing that you are not alone.
Wow how awful for these two men to be caught up with you.
I suggest you don't marry either one of them, maybe you should delve into why you keep your body in one relationship and your foot in the door of another??? That's not healthy, the only reason you are now seeing faults in mike are because of your ex, that's the grass is greener syndrome. Until you can learn to truly and completely love someone, someone else will always turn your head and give you dreams that they are the one for you and it will be better with them.
Do not marry Mike simply because he's the "safer" bet...that isn't fair to him at all, and these two men's feelings and lives count as well.