Engaged too soon???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Engaged too soon???
5
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 1:30pm

Hi All,

I am really concerned for my brother-in-law. He was dating a girl for 5 years and got engaged last summer. Around Christmas, she broke it off and ended their relationship. He was heart-broken and went through some really bad times that my husband and the rest of our family supported him through.
He started dating another girl (Danielle) about 4 months ago and last week gave her a "promise ring", which he described as a pre-engagment ring. Then, 2 days later, they decided to make it a real engagement ring and they plan to get married in a few years.
Now, to me, this is absolutely ridiculous, and I can't take it seriously. No one in the whole family knows how to react. He is way too impulsive and I must question the intelligence of Danielle who accepted this so soon? I love him and don't want to see him end up heartbroken again in a few years. How can we convince him that it's just too soon to get re-engaged? Or should we just stay out? Any advice would be REALLY appreciated.
Thank you,
Elizabeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 1:39pm
I say stay out of it.. It is not like they are getting married in a few months. This is a few years. He may be rushing in but waiting for the marriage a few years is the main point. An engagement is just the intent to get married doesn't mean it will happen.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 2:44pm

I agree with Marie stay out of it. Interfering will more often then nnot strength a pewrsons resolve wto do exactly what you don't want them to in a situation like this.

As too it being to soon it depends ENTRIELY on the individuals. Ten years ago I might have answered differently.

Three years go I let a guy convince me to let him move in with me it was a BIG mistake, that financially I'm still paying for. A year and a half ago I met a great guy who asked to move in with me wehnwe'd only been dating four months. A month later we were talking about getting married and in march we set a date. We'll be married in October. Never would have been too soon for the guy three years ago and four months would have been just fine with my fiance (FYI - I'm 33 he's 32).

So you see it really does depend on the people and where they are in ther lives. If he's young give him some time he'll probably talk himself oout of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 4:38pm

Marie and Nick, I appreciate your input. I see your points and, and he is young (24, she is 23), so hopefully he/she will talk themselves out of it. And, it all may work out in the end, but I just don't see what the big rush is about. I think he is scared of losing her like he did the last girl.
Thanks again for your advice. . . if only life were simpler and I wasn't such a worrier. .. .:)

-Elizabeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 7:27pm

My humble two cents....

no matter what you say, if he wants to be engaged, he will be. I was engaged at 20, and his folks thought we were nuts. His mom even tried to get my folks to gang up on us, but my mom refused. All she said was, "they'll either see they are rushing it, and slow down, or marry and divorce and learn the hard way". Needless to say, we called off the engagement about 8 months later (btw, we got engaged about 3 weeks after knowing each other). My mom always told me, "you're not going to listen to me, so you'll hae to learn your lessons the hard way".

So far, she was right. I married at 23, divorced at 25. Married at 27, divorced that same year.

Everyone learns their lessons the hard way, or through other ppl. Seems like he'll have to learn the hard way, and unfortunately, for you, there is nothing you can do.

Hugs. I know you're worried, but all can you do is maybe talk to him once. If after that all he got was defensive, you know you can't do a thing. If he's open and agrees, maybe you have a chance. If you are close to him, I may sit him down and simply say, "I'm happy for you, but I have to admit, I feel it was too fast". And see what he says.

Lastly, at LEAST they have agreed on a FEW YEARS to get married, versus a few MONTHS. As you said, I think he's just scared of losing her, so he got engaged too fast. AT least, before they marry, they'll have time to truly get to know one another, and see if they truly wanna marry. Hopefully, the ring won't add to making bad decisions.

Good luck. BTW, I wouldn't have listened to anyone. And the second marriage, I knew was WAY too fast, and prolly wrong, and THAT is why I did it in secrecy. So no one could tell me otherwise. LAme, I know, but well, like I said, I learned the hard way.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 12:45am
You can voice your opinion, and then back off. It's his decision to make.