engaged w/a huge crush on someone else
Find a Conversation
engaged w/a huge crush on someone else
| Mon, 04-10-2006 - 6:52pm |
I've been in a relationship for the past 3.5 years. My fiance and I are supposed to get married next year. I have been thinking twice because I have a huge crush on someone I have known for 4 years. Just until recently we never said a word to each other. I am now his boss and we talk daily but it hasn't become and I don't think it will ever become of anything more. I flirt with him alot and I don't know if he knows that I like him. I would like him to know, but he is seeing someone that I hooked him up with. Which happens to be a good friend of mine. I did this thinking that he would like me more, but in the end it is beginning to hurt me. I really like him and I think we have a lot in common. Any advice on what to do? He also said that he wouldn't date someone that is his boss or someone he works close to daily. My sister and other people tell me that he is perfect for me, and I also think the same, but I think it is going nowhere!! Please help....

tammy0000...
Pianoguy isn't suggesting that you go through with the wedding. .
BUT COMBINING WORK AND A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN EMPLOYEE WHO WORKS WITH YOU IS AN EVEN BIGGER MISTAKE!
Simply because the s**t will eventually hit the fan in your professional or personal life!
With apologies to your sister and your friends, if you try to "mix business with pleasure", you're headed for trouble!
Pianoguy
I'm a little confused about your story. You said you've known the crush for 4 years but you don't specify how long you've had a crush on him... the whole 4 years? Or just recently since you've started talking to him/being his boss?
In general though these are my thoughts on crushes while in a relationship:
Many people experience crushes on other people even while madly in love with their spouse or partner. It's normal to feel infactuated with someone that you might be compatible with... and many people believe that there are thousands or even millions of people out there who are well suited for them. Does this mean you shouldn't settle down and devote yourself to one of them or with the one you are *best* suited with? That's your decision but personally I think that crushes will come and go but people who are in a lasting relationship recognize this and simply let it happen but never act on it and eventually it wears off.
Genealogical Musings
Okay, step one: End your engagement. Your fiance deserves better then to be the guy you sett;le for because you can't get the guy you really want.
Step two: Reread your original post. This is how it comes across to an unbiased stranger: "I'm engaged but I think I'd break it off if I thought I had a chance in hell with this guy who works for me. Do you think I should tell this guy how I feel and see if maybe I do so I'll know if I can dump my fiance? becuase God forbid I should be without a man in my life for two and a half seconds. Yeah I know I'd be screwing over my girlfriend I set up with him, whoose feelings I'm not even concerned about, but I REALLY like him."
Do you see how completely selfish and self-absorbed this comes across? I'm not saying you are this way, but it certainly seems like the only perosn you care about is you.
If you truly are this self-absorbed you need to take some time awaya from relationships all together and do some serious self-examination, this is no way to lead your life.
If it isn't who you are, then maybe give us some additional information. Maybe what you are really trying to ask is "Will I get over this crush?" or "How do I tell my fiance I can't marry him?" or "After I end things with my fiance, what do I do about this crush?"
But the way things stand, it sounds like you arne't ready to having a meaningfull relationship with a viper or scorpian, let alone another human being who will have feelings that you apparently wont care if you trample.
With all due respect, tammy, why are you engaged? Even if you just had a BF, I'd be asking "why in the world do you have a BF if you have a huge crush on someone else?"
Is that fair to your fiance? (obviously, the answer is no ... there's no justification or reason in the world other than being selfish)
<< I flirt with him alot and I don't know if he knows that I like him.>>
If the tables were turned, how would you feel if your fiance had a huge crush on someone else? Would you want to marry him?
<< I would like him to know, but he is seeing someone that I hooked him up with.>>
What good would come of him knowing? Are you willing to end your relationship to date this guy? Which in turn, would also hurt your good friend who you introduced him to!
<< I did this thinking that he would like me more, but in the end it is beginning to hurt me. >>
So, you used your friend ... set them up ... hoping he would like you more? Hon, I'm sorry ... you have some issues here. That's very manipulative. Hurt you? The only people it's going to hurt is your fiance and her!
If its hurting you ... what's truly hurting you is the realization that you probably don't like what you're feeling ... that it is hurtful to have secret crushes and it is hurtful to use other people for the possibility of your own gain (ie, that he would like you more if you set him up with someone else).
<< Any advice on what to do? He also said that he wouldn't date someone that is his boss or someone he works close to daily. >>
Get out of this situation. Transfer departments, get a new job or whatever you have to do to NOT be his boss. Your fiance deserves that much. You said << My sister and other people tell me that he is perfect for me, and I also think the same, but I think it is going nowhere!! Please help....>> ... your sister and other people are nuts ... if your fiance isn't "perfect for you" ... you should end it NOW. He deserves better. Secondly, it's going nowhere because this isn't a situation that SHOULD go anywhere ... the other guy is right ... to not want to date someone that is his boss or works closely with ... mixing business and personal isn't a good idea. But, that's besides the point ... because YOU are otherwise spoken for.
Truly, decide whether or not the man you're engaged to is the man you want to be with. If so, distance yourself from this other man.