expecting too much
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| Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:49pm |
On a recent thread, there was a comment >>I read an article recently that suggested that women have set our bar SO very high for the PERFECT mate that no one can reach it.<<
I see this in my (single) girlfriends all the time. They want Mr Perfect, and will settle for nothing less. Likewise, I see it on the iVillage relationship boards frequently.
So, in your views, what things are unrealistic to expect of a partner?
My thoughts? Three things pop into mind.
Some women only want a very handsome man who also has a great personality. Sure, I agree with the personality bit, but our looks are what God gave us and shouldn't contribute towards a man being perfect or not.
Perpetual romance. OK, I'll admit first up that I'm not a romantic...but some women expect a man to wine and dine them and give flowers forever. However, unless he's a romantic at heart (not that common for a man) it's likely that the romance will die in due course. However, I also think that if he's not a romantic, he shouldn't start things that he won't continue. That was DH's theory, so I never got used to something that wasn't going to continue.
Expecting a man to pay for all the dates. I believe that we should contribute what we can. Not that I like to keep formal tabs on it - and I'd hate to have to split a bill at the table - but if he's taken me out a few times, then I know that it's my turn to ask him out and I'll pay.

Hi iv_aisha2004...
"So, in your views, what things are unrealistic to expect of a partner?"
My thoughts on what's unrealistic to expect from a partner or what I think is just WRONG to expect.
1. to be perfect
2. to do everything
3. to not have feelings (some women think that guys can and should just take their B'ness coz they're guys)
4. that he needs to make a certain amount of money, drive certain car or dress certain way
5. he can't hang out or have boys nite out because you 2 are now a couple, married, live together, etc.
6. to do what you want all the time
7. cater to your every whim
8. to pay for your bills or take care of your obligations
9. for him to forget about him, what's important to him such as his friends and family
10. to be what you WANT him to be and eventually lose his own identity
It's one thing if one offers or simply just volunteers out of the kindness of their hearts and another thing to expect or demand it.
IMHO, there's only one realistic expectation a woman can have: to hope to find the perfect man for them.
Unfortunately, sometimes we get so caught up in trying to "figure out" what would be the perfect guy for us that we miss the perfect guy right in front of us. Maybe he isn't the perfect guy to spend the rest of our lives with but he might be the perfect guy for the moment, the week, the year...
Life has a way of placing what we NEED (not neccessarily what WE think we need let alone want) right in front of us. We just have to be open enough and smart enough to take advantage of it.
Case in point, when I was about 25 I started to let go of my own ideas about a "perfect" guy for me. I threw out the list of criteria I thought he must meet. I decided that if a guy seemed to be a nice guy and he was someone I might become attracted to (meaning he wasn't a complete troll) I would at least go on a date if he asked. I did draw the line at going out the guys that just seemed like jerks right from the get go, thta's just a waste of time.
I met a lot of nice guys that way one I spent three years with and I don't regret a moment I spent with him. We loved each other and even though it didn't workout he was EXACTLY what I needed at the time.
Later when I was 32 I was doing some online dating at lavalife intimate encounters and I was mostly intersted in finding something pretty casual. You have to limit the pool somehow so I was searching for guys in my area between 5'9"-6' no sagitaruases (I had BAD experiences with those in the past), no smokers, no heavy drinkers. This guy who was 5'8", and "smoked occassionally", sent me a message. I read his profile he seamed to have a good sense of humor and wasn't looking ofr a relationship OR a one night stand (which was pretty much the same as me), but he didn't have a picture posted.
We chatted a little and he had a webcam so he let me get a look at him, but it was kind of tough to really see what he looked like, but I was pretty confident he wasn't a wart covered troll. We chatted for a while, and we set up a first date at a restaurant near where I live.
When we met he was a little shorter then I expected. I think the 5'8" was probably closer to 5'7" (but hey I'm only 5'2"). He wasn't great looking, but he had nice eyes. We ended up shutting down the restaurant. When he walked me to my car he gave me a hug and a little kiss and said he'd like to do it again. He messaged me the next day and I agreed to a second date because I enjoyed talking to him even though there wasn't a ton of chemistry.
Well, one thing led to another and 18 months later, as some of you probably already know, I'm engaged to him now and couldn't ask for a guy who was more "perfect for ME" then he is, but he wasn't the guy I was looking for. He wasn't what I thought I needed or wanted. He was an opportunity that life put in my path that I choose to give a chance and he turned out to be EXACTLY what I want for the rest of my life.
I wouldn't say I lowered my expectations. I expected true love and someone who was perfect for me and I got it. I just opened my eyes to the fact it might not come the way I expected it to.
There is a way to self-evaluate if you are expecting too much.
You know, it was only last night that I was telling my DH how comfortable I am with him. Finding a mate who you are comfortable and happy with is not asking too much. My DH and I have rarely disagreed in 13 years! And we have this weird thing of saying what the other is thinking......it's like the two of us have become one.
>>I tend to try and try to make things work, but a friend of mine told me that it shouldn't be this hard. Of course you have your problems, but you shouldn't be working or trying hard too much to make someone else fit with you. Most of all it's just that feeling of comfort and happiness and knowing that I'm looking for, and I haven't felt that yet with any of my boyfriends for any long period of time. I guess I still have a big hope that one of these days someone who is a really good fit for me will come into my life.<<
Your friend is so right. If you are in a dating situation, you shouldn't need to make things work. Mainly because if dating is difficult, imagine marriage!! My theory was to weed out the wrong ones quickly so that I'd be available for Mr Right when I met him.
I think iv aisha made a good point. Don't waste a lot of time trying to make soemthing fit that doesn't feel right to you. Because it's just that, a watse of time.
A square peg with round edges is still a square peg, don't try to cram it into a round hole. Go back and look for a round peg.
I probably went out with at least a dozen different guys in the year and a half between the anti-christ and meeting Pete. We'd go out on a date or two and I'd just sense this isn't it and I'd just say "I'm sorry you're a great guy and if you want to be friends that's cool, but it's not going to go anywhere else, so if you've already got plenty of 'friends' I understand."
I just learned to listen to my instincts and with Pete even though there was no instant chemistry my instincts said, "This is a cool guy get to know him", so I did.
If it doesn't feel right, if there is nothing in you saying "Hey, don't count this guy out just yet." it's because he isn't right for you and there's no sense trying to make it work when you feel that way.