Fear of dating the wrong guy, again

Avatar for toasty95
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fear of dating the wrong guy, again
13
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 3:19am

Well, not really. Right now I'm really bummed out about dating. I always end up attracting the same type of losers who wants to date me (or less) just for kicks. (And, I also don't want to date any men anymore, who just can't get over their ex from at the very least from 2 years ago.)

Is a nice, normal relationship too much to ask for?
One where he's not just interested in me because he just wants to have sex with me?
And, not a "yes, man"?
And, not a jerk?
And, is attentive to me because he truly does care?
And, will take me out on a date here and there?

I'm sick and tired of being the girlfriend that all the friends of my boyfriend say "I wish I had a girlfriend like that" or "I wish my girlfriend was like her". I want a boyfriend, whom my friends say "wow, she's lucky to have him", instead of the jerks that I usually end up dating.

I'm not griping about being single, it's just that I want to date someone WORTH dating. I rather be single now, than be with some worthless bum, even if I might get depressed because of it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 8:19am

It's not neccessarily about being a "gentleman" it's about being considerate and thoughtful.

Guys like this DO exist. They tend to be older and ready to settle down and they tend to be the type who is mature and may not be very expressive about their feelings but they actually do a lot of self-reflecting even if they don't talk about it the way us girls do.

I also highly recommend military guys who join up becasue they WANT to. I've dated several and ALL were GREAT guys. There are downsides, but they tend to have the sort of values a lot of women like: gentlemanly, masculine, protective, noble, brave... Of course, I also like macho guys. Macho meaning a "man's man" type not a misogynisitic jerk. The downsides are they can be deployed, it can be a dangerous living, lots of moving (if they are active duty), they tend not to be big on talking about how they feel (after all they are taught to value action over talk), they tend to have traditional values and like traditional gender roles, but most also know how to cook and clean and take care of themselves and if they're asked nicely don't mind helping with household stuff, ironing their uniforms sucks (I recommend finding a good dry cleaner)...

They certainly aren't for everyone and they certainly all aren't like the ones I've been fortuante enough to date but the two best long term relationships I've had have both been Army guys. So, I've got to put in a good word for them. :)

Avatar for toasty95
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 3:03am

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Well, I haven't been getting either from the guys I used to date. So, I benefit from having a guy like that already.

nick91171, I have thought about dating a military guy once, but dismissed it because I'm like "where am I going to find one of those". I never had a deep thought about it. They're gathered in bunches somewhere and I just don't know where "where" is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 11:30am

Well, they seem to have just found me for the most part, but bars near military bases are a good place to start if you want to seek one out specifically.

I had a LOT of success dating online as well. Of course, you do have to take the good with the bad (lots of emails from lots of guys you wont be interested in) and you do have to be ready to go on lots of first dates that wont turn into second dates. So you hae to be pretty thick-skinned. If you consider yourself to be pretty insecure online dating is NOT the place for you. Also, if you're the type to make excuses for a guy it's probably not for you.

For example, if you might actually have any of these thought, "Well, so what he's been married four times, maybe he's changed" or "Well, so what if he's 35 and lives with his Mom and Dad after all he just declared bankruptcy because of that shrew of an ex-wife." or "So, he mentioned his ex-gf 8 times in his profile, I'm sure he wouldn't be dating if he wasn't over her."

These are all signs online dating is not for you, for that matter dating might not be for you, at least not until you fine tune your loser detector by doing some serious reflecting on your past relationships and the signs you were dating a loser that you missed or explained away in your past, beacsue there are ALWAYS signs, sometimes we just decide to ignore them.

And trust me I would know, I have on more then one occassion ignored gigantic, flashing neon signs that a guy was a loser. We all do it, usually because we are inexperinced or because the old self-esteem is flagging.

But whatever you do, DON'T give up there are good guys out there and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs and you may to swallow the bitter pill of self-reflection to teach yourself how to find the good ones and toss out the bad ones, but you'll do it if you just keep trying.

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