Feel so lost, did I do the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Feel so lost, did I do the right thing?
6
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 2:55pm

Two days ago I almost broke up with my bf of 5 months.. during this whole time I have never felt "in love" with him... I can't recall many times when a feeling of love for him have flooded over me... we don't have any common interests and it hasn't been that good with anything.. but he's been there.. I have had someone to go to...

We didn't break up because I couldn't tell him I've been thinking about this for so long.. it would just be too mean to him.. so he convinced me into thinking about it..
I said I would and I would call him when I want. He said he understands that he has been too negative, that he hasn't appreciated me enought etc and that he could change.. that he understands he has to do that.. I just don't know if that would work.. because I don't think that special feeling would be there anyway.. I don't think he's ever been in love, even though he's 23 years old.. but it doesn't sound like it, so he doesn't have anything to compare to.. but I do and I know it shouldn't feel like it has done in this relationship.. Am I too picky.. is there a thing like real connection that lasts? Should I be happy just for having someone?

It was so terrible teeling him this... he cried and I cried... It just feels so wrong to smack him in the face with all this.. maybe it would be easier for both of us if we gave it another try just to see that it really doesn't work.. what do you think??
I guess I just feel lonely now.. it feels like these 5 months gave me nothing except me feeling down for something that wasn't good.. Of course I like this guy, but not enough it seems.. we don't really have that connection..
This affects my studying and I have felt so bad today.. it's like I don't think I will ever fall in love again...
Any comments?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:07pm
No, do not stay with him thinking that your feelings for him are going to change. If it isn't there it just isn't there. Five months is a long enough time to have special feelings for someone and the fact that you have been unhappy throughout the relationship is a clear indication that it is not meant to be. Yes, it is extremely hard to break up with someone especially when the other person is not ready to let go but the sooner you deal with this the sooner you will began to feel better. You should never be in a relationship with someone just because you don't want to be alone because in the end you will not be happy.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:10pm
Hi and welcome to the board... I think that if your comparing him to and old flame then of course it isn't going to feel right. The love you have for one is not going to be the same for another. The same sparks do not fly and the time frame is different. You will fall in love again when you open yourself up to possibilities instead of a set way of how it should be. Love in 5 mos well that is still lust and infatuation or fond feelings if you want but it is not genuine love that happens over time from knowing someone yrs and that lasts a lifetime. So why were you dating him to begin with? Were you feeling sorry for him then? Was there anything that made you want to be with him, what has changed? From your post I gather he was never given the chance because you never had the giddy feeling some people feel. Well let me tell you it is not everyone. Heck I have been dating my guy for over 6 mos now and I never had a giddy feeling. Actually we were total opposites but he is a great guy that I enjoy being around as any friend. Over time I am seeing my feelings grow but I am not looking for this abundance of feelings to succumb to know this is right. He and I do what he likes and we do what I like and we do things separately. We still talk and continue to know each other which to me is much more important then to have the giddy feelings and think everything is blissful only to see his true colors once the romance has worn off. I see him for who he really is and he sees me the same and go with it with no expectations but what we know of each other as we look to keep learning and growing.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 7:43pm


I don't completely agree that love develops over time. I mean I think that's partially true. But, I feel that there has to be chemistry and enough common interests in the beginning, otherwise the relationship is bound to fizzle and feel too much like hard work. I mean don't you want to feel like when you and your guy are in a crowded room, your in still in your own little world? But, of course even the most compatible and passionate relationships require hard work.

I promise you will find the right person in time and you won't have any doubts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 8:39pm
I will say that over time. I am for chemistry and that is why we began dating because it was something about him. Not lite fire type that I have had with many that didn't last this long. It was more hey he is interesting let me get to know him after hanging out and getting to know him did I think wow this can be something and at 6 mos did I even think hey I really care about this guy. It could be just me but I have many (what most will call relationships but I consider) dating experiences that only last a few months and the majority was the ones that I was hot under the collar each time I saw them. I got bored because the newness had worn off and I was like where am I now. I want to go out have fun now instead we are doing the same thing each time we are together. WIth this one it is always fun because I let it grow instead of my normal needing that fire right off bat. I would consider this friends first because when we began we were just having fun dating and seeing where it was going now it is like wow I am with you and still enjoy it this could last. Now I have not been in it for a year or more but will check back on when that happens to see if this works but so far it is much better then fire then trying to spice it up later. We keep the spice because we are looking for the fun in it and know each other in and out so far to enjoy. Just my take on it

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:00pm

Small world - a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months essentially b/c I felt we were missing that certain spark. The decision was VERY hard b/c he treated me really well and on paper he was everything I was looking for. We got along great at first but after a month or so, I just didn't feel that we were growing closer. I was never super excited when I was around him and our conversations were never mind blowing. The break up was the right thing to do. I have been (and will again some day be) in a relationship where I was head over heels so I know that I'm capable of being in love and I know that this one wasn't right. Of course, now that it's cold and gloomy out, I do get lonely and thoughts like "did I make a mistake" sometimes loom in my head. But in the long run, I know this was for the best.

If after only 5 months you're already bored or unhappy in a relationship, it's time to get out. Relationships only get harder and more difficult with time. Right now you should be in your honeymoon period. I think deciding who you marry and spend your life with is the most important decision we all must make so even though it is hard to be alone sometimes, better to be alone and ready for the right guy then to be unhappily attached.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 12:34pm

I think 5 months is plenty of time to have tested the waters and come to an honest decision about things. It is true that sparks are not always immediate but I don't think they would take this long to develop, even if they were slow. I think you did the right thing, if after this long you don't feel excited about him then it's best to end things so you can both move on. To me what separates a friend and a lover are the romantic feelings you feel for them and if you don't feel those he is essentially just a friend to you.

It's like I've told another poster, don't mistake general loneliness for missing him. I'm sure you miss aspects of his company but that doesn't mean you guys were happy together or would make a good couple. Do not get back together. I think you've given this enough time. Just get through the next few days/weeks and keep yourself busy. If after a while (i.e at least a month) you realize you do genuinely miss *him* then maybe contact him. Otherwise you create the on/off cycle that so many people get trapped into, they get back together because they're both lonely but then they feel trapped and unhappy again..