Feeling Pathetic

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Feeling Pathetic
5
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 12:30pm
I come here when I'm at a loss, so here i am today....I'll try not to babble...Been on and off with this man for a year now - mostly off...we are both divorced with kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: ppgm3
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 6:23pm

Hi ppgm3. I do not think you are pathetic at ALL - though this man may be, a little bit. I do think, however, that you are chasing after less than you deserve. After almost a year, it is not good to still be so in the dark about where you stand and what his feelings are. He is emotionally unavailable and, it seems, addicted to the "thrill of the chase". He clearly has no interest in commitment or dedication. When things work, they just do - There is no "on and off", the period of "how does he feel about me?" is relatively short, and things click with minimal effort or headache. You're getting a lot of mental anguish for a very small payout. The investment in this man is a risky one and you will probably end up having wasted your time. I would not say immediately that he is "playing" you but he certainly isn't after anything serious, and you are sort of keeping yourself open to whatever he wants from you without demanding better. Ask yourself why you keep letting him come back every time he pursues you again.

"he keeps coming back to me!!!!"
No, you keep taking him back. That is under your control.

If you decide to have this "non-date" then you should clearly outline that you're not going to do on-again-off-again and if he wants to disappear, it will be the last time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
In reply to: ppgm3
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 8:41pm

You need to point out his pattern of behavior to him and ask him what it all means. You can do it very matter of factly and see what he says.


When a man displays that type of behavior .. I have seen it be as a result of not wanting a serious relationship with the person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
In reply to: ppgm3
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 6:09pm

Hi PPGM3,


I agree with the previous post that the power of you accepting what he dishes out to you lies with YOU. You are not pathetic but you can get smarter about it. After reading 3 pretty good books that I recommended for you, I would like to share with you that it is important to ask him "What do you THINK of me?" and "How do you FEEL about me? Both questions are not the same but they are crucial to you understanding what his motives are for you.


If he gives you a perfect answer like your such a great mom, whose patient and very smart and beautiful that could all be true but he could be giving you what you want to hear. What you do is give him follow up questions such as oh you think I’m that , what about you thinks I’m that way and listen to see if he can provide concrete examples. If he doesn’t then you see how "fond" he thinks of you. And as for the other question, listen to his answer and if his answer doesn’t cut it with you, you have some good information to back up whether you should continue this or not. The worst thing is to fear confronting a man about your needs for fear that he will go away because when a man really values you or wants you he will want to commit to the woman who sets boundaries and standards for herself. The three books that have set me on a great balance is Sherry Argov’s Why Men Marry Bitches and her other book Why Men love Bitches. Dr. Phil McGraw’s Love Smart (This is an amazing book for finding confidence in your relationships) and Believe it or not, Steve Harvery’s new book, Act like a lady think like a Man, in which I provided you with an example. I can really relate to you in being in relationships where I wasn’t really dating the person and I had severed contact but it felt like it was going somewhere at times but that was only to keep me in the game when he felt like I was slipping away. Good luck and I hope you can update us with positive news J

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: ppgm3
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 7:41pm

It seems pretty clear to me. You are a booty call. I mean, he only seems to come calling when he wants to have sex. No real dates. No plans made.


I wouldn't give him the excuse of being "terrified of commitment". It's more like he has no honor and integrity.


Mars and Venus would say that I should go with the flow...this is not atypical of men in early dating stages....I just have no idea.


It's not atypical of BAD men in early dating stages. It's not atypical of creaps in early dating stages. It's not atypical of men who are full of empty words. It's not atypical of men dating a woman who ALLOWS it.


You just have no idea? You should most definently have an idea if this crap is what you want to accept and volunteer for. You m'dear need higher standards.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
In reply to: ppgm3
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 4:38pm
Well, things are feeling a bit better...He was sick and there was no date...I was doubtful at first, but then learned he was indeed not well.