Feeling Unsure & Confused
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| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 5:39am |
Tell me what does one do with a man that doesnt like to have conversations about a relationship? He avoids them at all costs. So in turn that makes me unable to feel comfortable about bringing anything up for discussion.
Hes either always calling or not calling for a day or two. I dont feel at times like much of priority in his life somedays. Like last night, he instant messaged me on yahoo and said hi. I said hi, and that was it he was gone. He's had trouble with his pc alot lately so maybe he did last night. But I called his cell and told him I think I lost him so just call me back, that was at 715 PM, well he never called. Alot of times he leaves his phone in his truck at night, but was it too much trouble for him to think to go outside, get the phone and call me??? Guess he didnt want to talk to me that badly after all. At least that is how Im left feeling.
Weve been dating about 8 months, never had an exclusive conversation, just things were said that left it as a "you understand". Ive had a guy ask me out lately and I just keep putting him off. Im wondering if Im doing the right thing here, or if I should just go.
I have feelings for my bf, but sometimes I feel like Im doing a majority of the work, and just like last night, Im left feeling unimportant. What do I do?

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Every situation has its own layers of complexity, it's hard to say what's going on with him - he might not know enough about his own emotions to be able to talk about it with you.
But ask yourself if how he's behaving is fair to you, and is that what you want out of a relationship.
Honest conversations are always the hardest to have, especially if you don't have an "equal partner" in the communication department. Bear in mind that even with you expressing that you're at your wits' end with his inability to meet your needs, he might not have it in him to change his behavior.
In my own experience, I tried to make the best of situations that were not right for me - from 5 months to 7 years. But in the end I only prolonged my own unhappiness by ignoring my real feelings and "settling". In hindsight, I treated each relationship as a 'learning experience', and identified what I wouldn't repeat in the next one. Finally I found someone where it wasn't a question that it was "right" for both of us.
Be honest with yourself with what you want from a relationship. When you've been able to resolve these feelings for yourself, the path forward will become very clear.
Take it one day at a time...but don't prolong your uncertainty for too much longer.
I agree with the previous poster...you need to figure out what's acceptable to YOU and go from there. I'd have a really hard time being with someone who wasn't able to or willing to have conversations about our relationship and/or someone who doesn't give priority to returning my calls, personally (BTDT, and it's really stressful).
You could try saying that this is really important to you and you need to see *some* effort at compromise on his part (as you are compromising by not talking as much as you'd like about the relationship, being ok with some unreturned calls, not talking every day, etc) and see if he's willing to make an effort to meet you in the middle (and then actually make the effort, not just SAY he's going to), but if you do that and nothing changes, then you either need to find a way to be ok with things AS IS, or move on.
Sheri
" he might not know enough about his own emotions to be able to talk about it with you."
I honestly think you hit the nail on the head with this statement!! I truly beleive that he fights his feelings for me. He told me once that he loved me, a few months ago, but never said it again. But he shows it at times. He just has such a hard time dealing with questions and responses. I honestly think hes afraid of a relationship. I also can beleive that it stems from his divorce. I think that level of trust that was broken has effected him more than he choses to beleive.
He has always told me, he will never be married again. That the word "marriage" is not in his dictionary. Well last week we were talking on the phone about our lives and our respective futures. He said he could see himself married 5 years from now. That surprised me!!
I think he rollercoasters his actions, in hopes of avoiding feelings, and dependency on me. You see hes either very attentive or not attentive enough. Theres no medium!! LOL
Ive done alot of thinking and as far as my having what I want in the relationship. Sometimes I do, but at times I dont and the dont's are more than I would like them to be. I guess all I can do is wait a bit longer and see where things go, or set a time frame in my own mind and then sit him down for a serious talk. If the relationship isnt going to be what I want it to be then I suppose its time then to move on.
Thanks to both you and Sheri!!
" he might not know enough about his own emotions to be able to talk about it with you."
I honestly think you hit the nail on the head with this statement!! I truly beleive that he fights his feelings for me. He told me once that he loved me, a few months ago, but never said it again. But he shows it at times. He just has such a hard time dealing with questions and responses. I honestly think hes afraid of a relationship. I also can beleive that it stems from his divorce. I think that level of trust that was broken has effected him more than he choses to beleive.
He has always told me, he will never be married again. That the word "marriage" is not in his dictionary. Well last week we were talking on the phone about our lives and our respective futures. He said he could see himself married 5 years from now. That surprised me!!
I think he rollercoasters his actions, in hopes of avoiding feelings, and dependency on me. You see hes either very attentive or not attentive enough. Theres no medium!! LOL
Ive done alot of thinking and as far as my having what I want in the relationship. Sometimes I do, but at times I dont and the dont's are more than I would like them to be. I guess all I can do is wait a bit longer and see where things go, or set a time frame in my own mind and then sit him down for a serious talk. If the relationship isnt going to be what I want it to be then I suppose its time then to move on.
Thanks to both you and Sheri!!
Thanks for your post. I too know in my heart that he truly does care for me. I also know that he has a very busy life, as I do too. But are we different than men in that department??? I mean I always find the time to talk to him, when he calls and anyone else, be it family, friends etc....
Just how do you approach and start a relationship conversation with a man thats hates to talk. Im honestly to a point where I want to say, "I know you dont like to do this, but I need you to do this for me. We need to sit here and talk about a few things". Maybe the next time I see him thats exactly what I should do. What do you think??
You said - "Because, I know what I want in life, and I know what makes me happy."
That is a very key phrase and the onus is on you to let him know these things so that he has a reasonable opportunity to add value to your relationship.
There is a common mistake that many women make here. Some essentially try to boil the ocean with one big talk about everything related to the relationship. This doesn't work well with many men. A better idea is to spread the topic out over many days, easing into things as you go along.
For instance, lets say he does something that you really enjoy and makes you happy. Acknowledge that and tell him you really do appreciate and like it when he does that. Using this approach softens the context and lets your thoughts come out over time.
Thanks for the mans point of view. I like that suggestion. As a matter of fact, Ive done that a few months ago. We had dinner here one night, I shipped my kids to grandmoms. We spent hours and hours together, wine, candles, dinner etc......... I let him know the next day how much I enjoyed that evening and how I thought it would be a great idea if we made a night like that for us once a month. So a month later when he finished up his long two weeks at work (shift work---4 nights, one day off, 4 days) he suggested we do it again. I let him know how happy those evenings made me.
So I guess your theory works. Maybe a little at a time would be best with a man that really doesnt like too much "talk". Tell me if Im right here, but I suppose most men dont like too much "talk"! LOL
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