Feeling Unsure & Confused
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| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 5:39am |
Tell me what does one do with a man that doesnt like to have conversations about a relationship? He avoids them at all costs. So in turn that makes me unable to feel comfortable about bringing anything up for discussion.
Hes either always calling or not calling for a day or two. I dont feel at times like much of priority in his life somedays. Like last night, he instant messaged me on yahoo and said hi. I said hi, and that was it he was gone. He's had trouble with his pc alot lately so maybe he did last night. But I called his cell and told him I think I lost him so just call me back, that was at 715 PM, well he never called. Alot of times he leaves his phone in his truck at night, but was it too much trouble for him to think to go outside, get the phone and call me??? Guess he didnt want to talk to me that badly after all. At least that is how Im left feeling.
Weve been dating about 8 months, never had an exclusive conversation, just things were said that left it as a "you understand". Ive had a guy ask me out lately and I just keep putting him off. Im wondering if Im doing the right thing here, or if I should just go.
I have feelings for my bf, but sometimes I feel like Im doing a majority of the work, and just like last night, Im left feeling unimportant. What do I do?

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I'll give you the straight up truth and you can see evidence of this in many posts around iVillage.
First off, not many women will actually ask for what they want, yet they will get upset or disappointed when they don't get what they want. This puts a man in a compromised position. Honestly, we really do want to know what you want and we want you to ask. You have seen the positive results of this through your example. Keep up that great work and expand on it over time.
When a woman wants a "relationship talk" many men will have fear that it will turn into a negative criticism event. Many men will fear that the main discussion will be about how he doesn't do the right things or doesn't do enough to ensure your wants, needs and expectations are met. But since it is rare for a woman to actually ask for what she wants, men are left being blind-sided through lack of knowledge.
This is why it is valuable to express appreciation when a man is offering value. That way a man can learn and be willing to do more in the future. Honestly what we really want is a positive environment in which to share with you. The "a little at a time" approach will result in a positive environment.
Yes spiceman Id like to know the anwser to that question too??
You have given me some wonderful advice here. I realized that I was forming a list of questions and topics in my head that I wanted to talk with him about. TALK ABOUT OVERKILL!! LOL So I sat down last night and decided that I needed to pick one thing for now that I felt was worthy of a discussion and toss the rest aside. Now Im waiting for the right moment. I dont like phone chats or emails or instant messaging chats about important issues and feelings. I do face to face. So when the moment is right, and I have a good idea of when he is more relaxed and talkable, I will then bring it up, but very gently. I also have to watch those tears, Im emotional, and those tears make him a wreck!! LOL
Thanks so much for the advice. I also realized that your right Spiceguy, there are things Ive never asked him about or told him I wanted, I just wait for them to happen. How is he ever to know if I dont tell him. I think Ive been a bit unfair myself. When I get these things across to him, and if he cant give me what I want, then I can proceed to decide what to do next with this relationship. Think I got what you were saying ???????
Yes spiceman Id like to know the anwser to that question too??
You have given me some wonderful advice here. I realized that I was forming a list of questions and topics in my head that I wanted to talk with him about. TALK ABOUT OVERKILL!! LOL So I sat down last night and decided that I needed to pick one thing for now that I felt was worthy of a discussion and toss the rest aside. Now Im waiting for the right moment. I dont like phone chats or emails or instant messaging chats about important issues and feelings. I do face to face. So when the moment is right, and I have a good idea of when he is more relaxed and talkable, I will then bring it up, but very gently. I also have to watch those tears, Im emotional, and those tears make him a wreck!! LOL
Thanks so much for the advice. I also realized that your right Spiceguy, there are things Ive never asked him about or told him I wanted, I just wait for them to happen. How is he ever to know if I dont tell him. I think Ive been a bit unfair myself. When I get these things across to him, and if he cant give me what I want, then I can proceed to decide what to do next with this relationship. Think I got what you were saying ???????
Much could be said here that could fill many screens full of ideas. I'll bring forward a few concepts that I personally believe have substantial relevance on how communication works in an equal partnership.
Jerseygirl - you do have a unique influence in your situation. Since your status is in a state of change, that alone can be a factor. Please temper your expectations as you deal with your status change.
MANAGED EXPECTATIONS - Men and women are different. We have different biological characteristics and life experiences. Do not expect any man to think, feel, say and do just like you - it's not going to happen. We have to understand that no single person on the face of this earth can provide to all of our wants and needs. We will need others in our lives to have a fulfilled life.
AUTHORITY VERSUS INFLUENCE - The best relationships are equality-based and mutually-beneficial. Within that structure, authority can not exist. Authority suggests that one person is better than or more important than the other person. If a woman's intent is to make the man wrong and have him pay a price, then the authority issue comes into play. Making a man wrong is the fastest way to have him shutdown. However, woman do hold tremendous influence. You can influence positive direction by asking for what you want within a positive context. Men honestly want to offer you the best the world can provide as long as the request is fair and reasonable. Treat a man with respect and honor within the context of equality-based and mutually-beneficial and you will see dramatic improvement in your relationship.
BALANCED SCALES - Think of communicating your wants, needs and desires as a set of balance scales. On one side you have positive weight and the other negative weight. The goal is to ensure that the positive weight is substantially greater than the negative weight. If a woman becomes overly critical because a man doesn't think, feel, say or do exactly as she demands, then the scales get tipped towards negative weight and the man will shutdown.
NEGATIVE BALANCE - ATTACK DOG - The following comes from the Dr. Phil website and this article - http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/22 There is some very useful information in that article. When you get in an argument, do you have a killer stare, a harsh tone and hurtful words? Attack dogs may experience short-term gain, but the target of the abuse becomes filled with bitterness and resentment. While it's easy to fall into viciousness, it's much harder to repair the resulting consequences.
NEGATIVE BALANCE - BOTTOMLESS PIT - Another on from Dr. Phil. Are you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation? Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to "fill you up." We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.
POSITIVE BALANCE - RESPECT & ACCEPTANCE - Respect and acceptance are two critical components of an equality-based and mutually-beneficial relationship. Both people need to bring these attributes to the table for there to be success. With these attributes, your influence is great and the positive balance in the scales takes precedence.
ACCOUNTABILITY - Finally, accountability is very important. At a personal level we are 100% accountable for our happiness. If a persons attempts to shift that accountability onto their partner, then they are setting themselves up for failure. Own your happiness and invite your partner to be a part of it.
If the things above become part of your relationship, then a man's communication style and capabilities will evolve over time. It won't happen over night, but by staying focused on creating a Positive Relationship Environment, you will have positive communication as a direct result.
"Jerseygirl - you do have a unique influence in your situation. Since your status is in a state of change, that alone can be a factor. Please temper your expectations as you deal with your status change."
By this I assume you mean my pending divorce?
"By this I assume you mean my pending divorce?" - YES
I doubt he is worried that you may reconcile. His most likely concern is your emotional response as the divorce is finalized and the role he will need to play at that time. Many of the women I know that have gone through divorce, make the decision to not have any type of relationship for a period of time. They tend to focus on themselves and invest time to develop a fresh direction in life. I think that is an important thing to do, but it does come back to the role (if any) that he would play in your new life.
It's just hard for me to be patient to wait for when the guy I'm seeing comes back from deployment in 3.5 months. It's tough to start that environment to facilitate open communication when all you have is mainly email and once in awhile phone calls.
Spiceman,
I enjoyed reading your post. It shed alot of light on the situation for me. When I sit and think about it, the more comfortable he has become with me, the easier it is for him to talk with me. Communication isnt just a form of talk, its actions and deeds too. Maybe he's not always willing to express himself to me, but he shows me by the many little things he does, and says that I am important to him and that he cares about me.
As far as the divorce goes, I will be careful not to have any expectations. At this point I can honestly say, Im not expecting any big changes with him once my divorce is final. Its just that I think sometimes, he has kept the relationship at a certain level until I totally a free woman.
As far as myself goes, yes I have feelings for him, I never meant for this to happen at this point in my life. It just happened. Ive dated other men since my seperation, which Ive been seperated for 18 months. I know its not a long time, thats why sometimes Im very scared. I know I still have alot of work to do on me, and finding my way in my "new" life. I think my biggest hurdle is building my self esteem again. Ive come a long way, but Im not done yet. I know that, because of the fact that Im scared at times of my feelings for him. Sometimes if I dont hear from him, my mind starts to wander and I think the worst. This stems from what Ive gone through with my stbx. His affair crushed not only my self esteem, but my faith and trust in others. I try everyday to allow myself to trust, and judge each person for who they are and not compare them to a bad situation.
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