Feelings for ex...what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Feelings for ex...what do I do?
6
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 10:01am

This may be a little long...but I am desperate for advice. Please help!

It's been over 2 years since I have seen my ex. We were together for 6 years (with about 2 on/off periods). We were high school sweethearts and very much in love. We both went to college hours apart. My mother passed away from a car accident my first year of college and I went through a long period of depression. During our time at college, things got VERY rocky between us. I was overly dependent on him, and he was trying to have a good time in college. Obviously now that I am older I realize that trying to maintain a high school relationship through college is damn near impossible. In any case, near the end of college we split up. I was unhappy with him because he was not being the boyfriend I wanted him to be and there were rumors of him cheating swirling. I had met someone else that seemed great and I decided to move on. It was a terrible breakup that lasted months. We were very much in love and did not want to be apart, however, it obviously was not working. A year goes by and I am single again. We start to hang out again and all the old feelings are coming back, when he drops the bomb that he is going to Australia for a year and he cannot be with me. I basically break all contact at this point. We dont speak for over a year. We began exchanging emails about a year ago just to see how eachother were doing. During this time in my life I am happy and we discuss our relationship and all the things that went wrong. He admits (after YEARS of denying it) that he did cheat on me in college. I am over it at this point and admit some mistakes on my part (nothing of that nature) and agree to forgive and try to be friends again. We were, after all, best friends for a long time and I miss that friendship. For the last year and a half I have been dating someone. This guy is great, but not neccessarily my type. I really cannot say anything bad about him. I trust him more than anyone. I never worry about him cheating or not calling or whatever. He is dependable. He has a son who is 5. The mother of his son passed away suddenly from cancer a little less than a year ago (they were not together). He now has full custody. He is a very hometown guy...he doesn't have much desire to move away or anything. I am just itching to get out and see stuff. His goal would be to get married, build a house and raise kids. That isnt quite what I had in mind. Im not done having fun yet. Sometimes I wonder if I should continue the relationship. We obviously do not want the same things right now, nor am I ready to raise a child, much less one that is not my own. At the same time, I still carry feelings for my ex. I love my boyfriend, but I never really feel like any love with live up to the love me and my ex had for eachother. Everyone around me would think I am NUTS for even considering my ex due to our extremely rocky past (hence me asking for advice here). Its just that no matter what I do, or how long I go with out talking to him...he never leaves my mind. I could easily be setting my self up for emotional disaster by letting him back in (my life and heart). Its just that I think about if it did work out...it would be that sort of love people dream about. You know, the whole "greater the risk, the greater the gain" idea. I dont really even know what my question is. Basically that is my situation and I dont know what to do. Leave the ex in the past, break up with my boyfriend, risk it all??! Any advice on my situation would be appreciated. Thanks in advance...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 10:16am

So here goes my advise.....You say that you want to go out there and see what's out there so that is why you feel like you should not stay with your boyfriend. BUT then you ask if you should work things out with your ex. It's not that you want to see what's out there but you want to be with someone besides your b/f. Sometime women date people just to kill time and ease the pain of another relationship which is what I think you were doing here. Personally, I do that. I'm not saying that it's right but it is what it is. Maybe you are done with his time and want to move on. You see I always feel bad leaving people as well but think about it men don't feel bad leaving our asses so why should we feel bad?

As far as the ex, most people will say leave him in the past and that you are not over him b/c you wont let yourself, etc. I thin differently, I believe in fairytale endings and I also believe that when you know you know. You can't help that you think of him after all of this time. If you think of him it's for a reason. If you know that he is still interested and you are as well then why not try? People do change for the better I know I did when me and my ex broke up. Like you I believed and 8 months later he came back to me. I cried b/c I always believed! Right now we are apart again but my situation is all mixed up. You'll never know unless you try now that you're both older and wiser. Good luck : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:06pm

My two cents....

Definitely end thigns with your bf. You both want different things out of life. He wants a wife and mom. You want neither of those things. Just because he's a good guy, doesn't mean he has to be the one, or someone you HAVE to be with. It just means, you're not the right guy for him, and he's not the right one for you.

As for the ex. Let me ask you a question first..........

Let's say your ex said, he wants you back in his life, he's ready to settle down, get married, buy a house, have kids, and he wants to marry you. YOu specifically said you're not ready for that because you want to do other things....what if your ex says he doesn't want that anymore? would you still date him? would you date him if he said, he only wants to be in a serious r'ship? The point is........do you not want to be with your bf because you YOURSELF is not ready for what he wants (marriage), or do you not want him because of who he IS?

Otherwise, I have seen this with many couples recently. And let me tell you. Those that got that ONE LAST CHANCE shot, was able to get closure (as it didn't work with all of them), and finally move on. Sometimes, we NEED that last "adult" chance, to give it our all, to know we did what we could.....sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but at least, if it doesn't, it's easier to move on.

BTW, I was like this with two men in my life. I loved one and wanted one for almost 10 years. The way I finally got over them? Realizing that I was idealizing our r'ship. What I THOUGHT we had, was just the good times. I glazed over the bad. Yes, we changed, we grew up, but guess what, some of those problems were still there, because we fall into old habits. If you do try things with your ex, all I can say is that BOTH of you need to realize you HAVE TO start over at the beginning. No preconceived notions, no hopes, no expectations, nothing.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 11:44pm

I am in the same boat. My ex and I shared that "SPECIAL" thing and everyone used to coomnet on our relationship. I mean you could just see it. We were sooooo close and to this day, he will contact me if we are not in touch for a month.

Unfortunately, my marriage to this man (after 6 years) ended when he lied and got caught stealing at work. He went to jail and I divorced him b/c I was scared that he would get me into some big trouble from his bad choices. He lied to me alot through our relationship, but it's weird, it's like he even lied about things he didn't have to lie about, so therefore, I was a bit shalken when all of this stuff went down.

I remarried and he is getting married in a couple of weeks. We STILL miss each other and say I love you and wish that we could get a "do over"!! But we can't and what's done is done, for us anyway. But my point is that you are not alone and I beleive in soulmates. I love my husband, he is wonderful, successful, trustworthy, but I yet to experience the spark and the closeness i shared with my ex.

I would say that everyone is different and what is good for me may not be good for you, so you should explore these options and discuss your past, present and future with HIM. Only you know him well enough to know if this will end up even being a "risk" and only you know that feeling you get when you talk about it with him. It's either you feel it can work or you don't. Explore your doubts and why you have them. Is it b/c you don't feel the sincerity and trust that you can truly trust him again?

The answer lies within you. It is in your "gut", feel it and don't over think it....you'll get the answer you're looking for. However, be prepared, it may not be what you want to hear, but listen to your instincts and you'll never go wrong.

BTW, I am fianlly allowing myself to let my ex go and I read this post somewhere in here and it says to ask yourself: Is this person in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. This was amazing and this helped pull me out of a possible lifetime of confusion. Try to find this...search on here reason,season or something and if I find it, I will put on here for you, but you have to read this.

Good Luck and lots of hugs! I know what you are going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:50am
You can't be a day over 24 right? Have you ever been without a boyfriend?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:21am
Actually, I am 26 and I have had years go by where I have not had a boyfriend. I have gone out and dated and had my fun. This is not about being alone. This is about still thinking about a particular person after having done all that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:55am
Age has nothing to do with experience. I have had a 4 year relationship (HS), a 5 year relationship which I was engaged in (college+), and a 1.5 year relationship. I'm 26. I have been alone and have been in love. lv2srf I truy believe that the situation you are in goes beyond being alone. I hope you had the chance to read my post.