Fighting all the time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Fighting all the time
15
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 10:55am

Hi, (sorry if this is long.Theres alot to get out)

So my bf and I have been together now for over a year and a half,generally it's the best relationship I've ever had....I guess more like the best boyfriend I've ever had.There isn't one thing I would change about him.However it seems there is alot he would change about me.Although it's not the type of thing were me being me annoys him or he hates the werid little quirks or anything like that.

Iam not the best financially.I've made mistakes in the past,many of which I've learned from,however I still tend to make the odd mistake when it comes to spending.I have trouble saving.But I have taken steps to improve that.

Basically it really starts because my bf put his career on hold when he was with his ex,and she screwed him over,she left him for someone else and him staying here in this province ended up being a big waste for him.Well then we got together before he had the chance to leave and go out west.He stayed for me,he could see a future with me and didn't want to let that go.We planned on moving to vancouver after a while but I just wasn't able to save the money.We had alot of fights over this because he could see staying here for me was slowly becoming a waste too.Well I eventually opened a savings account,and after a number of months

Hollie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 12:35pm
Hi pink,

I went back and read some of your old posts. Sounds like you were engaged, prior, but now you have a different boyfriend.

Do you think this "change" in yourself has something to do with PMDD possibly? You said over a year ago you were getting more moody with PMS. Have you ever had that checked out? What was the verdict?

"But I guess thats true love. Despite all I've done, he can't seem to leave"

No I"m not sure that's true love. That's him with nothing better on the horizion, so he stays put for now.

What were these last 5 fights about?

It sounds like you are trying to d things better/smarter, but they aren't enough for his liking?

A GREAT relationship should bring out the best in you - it makes you feel alive, proude to be who you are, happy to be with that person. I don't get this vibe from you. You constantly try to prove yourself and he never seems happy enough.

Why do you need to save this relationship? Is this the potsmoker who says he won't quit if he has a kid with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 1:14pm

Thanks for replying.

I was engaged at one point,I left a week before the wedding,he had cheated for over 2 yrs and spent our money on escorts...there were alot of lies.

Iam not quite sure what the change has to do with to be honest.The first 5 months or so we were together

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 2:21pm
"The last 5 fights were about me and how all the promises I've made to be me again and to save just went down the drain and nothing changed"

"I think him not being happy enough is him being frusterated because I tell him I'll do all sorts of things and then I don't"

Do you think this is true? Like what have you promised to do but did not do yet? Do you have examples?

And did you do those things back when you guys were first dating, and no all of a sudden don't do them?

or was he completely oblivious to your "faults" and wants to be back in lala land - the place we all are when we first date someone?

You never addressed my question about whether you saw a doc about the mood swings or not. Someone else brought up PMDD. That is serious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 6:15pm

I don't think this is "true love", either. You don't bring out the best in one another. That could be because you both have a lot of work to do on yourselves individually... And YES HE DOES TOO... But even though you think this guy is great, this relationship isn't really good for you. And it's really, really damaged.

I really don't like when he says that most people would have left a long time ago, and that he has cut you off from what makes you feel loved because of the way you've acted. That is manipulation. It's not right to treat you that way... pink, if he were so unhappy in this relationship then he would have left. Maybe he SHOULD leave. And if a guy can't stand up for himself by leaving a relationship that is unhealthy, there is something seriously wrong with HIM - Not just you.

Change isn't going to happen overnight. I don't like the way your boyfriend is handling this at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 9:18pm

"generally it's the best relationship I've ever had....I guess more like the best boyfriend I've ever had."

Perhaps you haven't had your share of healthy relationships, because all this fighting, fault finding and manipulation does not sound like it's the best relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 9:59am

Things that changed in me,meaning I wasn't like that when we first started dating,the first 5 months or so, were smoking.When we first got together I was a moderate smoker,a pack would last me a few days,then I somehow overnight started smoking ALOT.A pack would only last me a day or so. I didn't want to smoke that much and I was spending so much on cigarettes

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 10:18am

I wouldn't say he has cut me off from things that make me feel loved.He still goes above and beyond,yes he may not do the romantic things anymore,but I guess after all I've put him through all the lies and broken promises he just doesn't feel compelled.And personally I don't blame him,I wouldn't want to buy flowers for someone that makes me feel disrespected and someone that lies to me.Not only would I lie about saving money I would lie about smoking,I would tell him I cut back when really I was smoking just as much if not more.He'd accidently find a pack of smokes I was hiding and confront me and I'd lie right to his face about it despite the fact that he was holding the smokes.I hid behind exceuses.

When I asked him yesterday if the reason he is still here is because theres nothing better out there he said he's not concerned about what else is out there and that he knows he can leave anytime and he said he will go to whistler whether Iam ready by July or not.

And there has been an instince where he almost left,just over a yr ago we had an argument...and he sat in the hallway outside our apartment for two hours at 3am with his bags.I went out and sat with him,then he just got up and came back in.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:16am

I guess I'm not sure why, if you are struggling so much with money, you are taking 4-5k and going to whistler? That's an expensive vacation. I'm doing 10 days in iceland for half that. Does he really think that this is a good time for an expensive trip?? Maybe I am confused about this part but it seems to me that financial stress around this trip isn't helping this relationship...

It's ok to mix up posters, I read both your responses and have taken them in context :)

I suppose I wonder why YOU stay with him? If you think he has every right to leave, can't blame him for being detatched from you, then why do you stay with him? Is it because you are hoping to change? Do you feel like he's giving you a real chance to change? And I don't mean just by not leaving you. If he was giving you a real chance, he would be making an effort for you too. Forgiveness is active, not passive; for even though he still considers you his girlfriend, he's not emotionally or spiritually in this relationship unless he's making an effort to get past his feelings so that you can reconnect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:53am
Congratulations on being smoke free for 1.5 months!

I'm also glad that you're not flying off the handle moody now either. So you're not sure what changed for the better now?

So you've quite smoking, you have more money now to save, you're acknowledging you should be nicer at work...

Was there some sort of stress that maybe caused you to smoke more and be more moody? Was he getting on your nerves?

I just got back from Whistler last week! Yeah, it doesn't have to be $4-5k especially since you live in Vancouver and won't be doing any skiing in July.

I would also agree that it's not a wise time to be going on an expensive vacation like that. I mean my lawyer friend just dropped $5k on a trip to Italy, went all out rooms/food/etc.

I can't see how Whistler is that much unless you guys are renting a huge ass condo for the two of you. If that's the case then stay within your means, do something smaller budget, or postpone the trip.

Your boyfriend won't like that, but he's not being reasonable what someone at your age can afford. He's probably going to be upset that you're changing the plans on him, but be reasonable. July is 5 months away, are you reasonably going to sock away $500 a month (assuming the trip is split)? You probably have no emergency fund either (like for when your car breaks or you have to go to the hospital).

My bottom line is that if this guy doesn't bring out the best in you (by that I mean he doesn't have to pull it out of you and tell you what you're doing wrong and what you can do better), and it comes naturally and easily, then it's not the right relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:59am
I just saw that he's going to Whistler whether you have your funds gathered or not.

Do you feel like saving $500/mo from now until July will be a way of proving yourself to him?

Will he be disappointed in you if you cannot save that much or would rather build an emergency savings first?

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