First boy I kissed- 18 years ago

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
First boy I kissed- 18 years ago
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 10:59am


no idea where to start without worrying about being judged.

So here it goes.  I have been with my husband for 18 years.  Well, technically he was my ex.  We were divorced in 2005  because a year after we were married, he went nutso.  Diagnosed as bipolar.  It has been an insane time, but we had our son who just turned 2.  For that, I am forever thankful.  My ex died (suicide) 2 months ago. 

When I was pregnant, I started having dreams about contacting my high school boyfriend.  I could never get through, phone was broken, facebook wouldn't find him (even though w are friends on facebook), or I wouldn't have a dial tone.  I have no idea what the message was though.  I never told anyone about these dreams. 

Anywhoo, I reached out to him on facebook a few days ago.  He got back to me and we have been sharing memories.  His wife died 8 years ago.  He has been living with his current girlfriend for 4 years (he thinks).  But he said that they aren't getting along as well as he would like. 

And yes, my husband died 2 months ago, but I really "lost" him many years ago when he was diagnosed.  He was never the man I married.  We were divorced because he wouldn't take his meds or be proactive about his illness.  We got back together because I still loved him and I wouldn't want someone to leave me just because I was sick.  I really did love him, I just didn't like his illness.  But I stayed.

Well now I am seeing all of these coincidences.  And I know, anyone can find coincedences when they are looking for them. 

why did both of our  loves die?

when I bought our house, the neighbors have the same last name as the high school boyfriend

his current girlfriends name is the name I had picked out for a girl if we had had a girl

Now that I am typing it out, it sounds silly, but were we meant to be together?  I can't even remember why we broke up. 

How do people know?  And why is my brain convincing me that he is the one for me?  why even return to an old love.  But I am seriously wanting to hook up with him.  And we haven't spoken in 18 years.  Except for this last week. Why am I convincing myself that he is the one I am supposed to be with?? 



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 11:56am

I think you are convincing yourself of this because it would be a nice fairy tale ending and of course you have those memories of an innocent time with him.  It has nothing to do with today.  First of all, he has a live in GF--if he's unhappy with her, then let him break off with her first--otherwise, you'll end up having an affair with him which probably won't end well for you.  I'm not saying that it could never happen, but you have to live with the reality of now, not what was years ago.  You have both changed a lot and you have to get to know the person he is now and not live on memories of the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 10:19pm


Hi. He is with a girlfriend now. He's cheating on her by going after you. If things are really over with her, let him end officially with her, move out, etc. Until and unless this happens, I would be very wary about seeing him as your soulmate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 9:59am
The first sign to look for if you're "meant to be" is.....he is single and not feeding you lines about his live-in girlfriend so he can get some on the side. If that relationship is so bad, then he needs to become a man and resolve that first with her before starting anything else.
If that happens, then the second universal sign to look for is that you two begin to date and find compatibility, respect, trust and traits such as these that are beyond a high school crush.
Dreams are a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings - so your dream sounds very much like it was about you wanting to go back to the more simpler time of high school when there weren't many responsibilities and probably a lot more hopes, but you now are feeling cutoff from those. Both that dream and this guy represent that high school time, but the thing about having people represent your wishes and fantasies is that they often end up being a huge disappointment.
Sorry, I can't let this last one go - do you think that your neighbors' family has existed for generations simply so they could end up being neighbors with the same last name of him to give you a sign? Reality is tough to live in sometimes, but I encourage you to become a little more grounded in it so you can live stronger in the present rather than clinging to the past.