fished off the company dock... in deep

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
fished off the company dock... in deep
9
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 11:52am

I've committed the ultimate work faux-pas. Fished off the company dock. Let me premise this story... I'm from the NE US... this is my 2nd real job out of college... making GREAT money... good perks.. lots of travel!
This company I am working for operates in a male-dominated industry... so being attractive.. I have no shortage of guys hitting on me all the time.

Basically our head office is about a 4 hour flight away in mid-western US. I was there for training about a month and half ago and met this guy who is a senior manager (not in my division at all) and is 37. I am 24. Instantly, I felt a connection. A spark. But I ignored it. I came back to our head office a few weeks later, and he came out for drinks with all of us staying there and we definitely clicked. Our personalities... everything.

Last weeked at a business retreate to celebrate our suppliers and sellers at a resort... for four days.. all you can eat... all you can drink. People were commenting all weekend about how cute we'd look as a couple and blah blah. Then one night, he gave me a flower on the way back to the hotel and we hung out all night and then eventually hooked up. The next night, repeat except more intense (if you know what I mean). No one at work found out but one guy was suspect but got in trouble for even trying to start anything because his boss is the guy I hooked up with. I like him. I have feelings for him. But guess what? The fact that he has a GIRLFRIEND came out on Sunday morning. After all of this had happened. I don't get it. We were so passionate.. how could someone do all that with a girlfriend? and go back to them?

I think I have a mega crush on him.. and the thing is I liked him before but I thought he was way out of my league..possibly the age thing but now he is coming to my side of the country for a conference and will be in town for 4 days. I really want to see him but I know that is wrong. How do I get this guy out of my head? Even when I hear his voice on conference calls my heart jumps. I have his cellphone #... but I feel like I should just delete it. But then there is this chemistry together. I have to get past this.. I know he is a jerk for doing this to his girlfriend but there is something about him. I don't fall easily and now I've fallen hard.

Please help

kaye

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 12:52pm
wow. I would hold back from mixing business with pleasure for a while after this situation.. Basically, you're young and this may be what he does. I'm only 26 and have been in similar situations but I just avoid them 100%. If there is one thing I know it is that older men love to have us as bait b/c they assume we will fall since we don't know the trix of the trade. However, I beat them to the punch and so should you. I understand that you feel that you can have feelings for this guy but do to the workstyle you both seem to engage in I doubt this is his first time cheating on his g/f with a young business women. In the corporate world or in any for that matter people love to talk and you don't want your name slandered over a 2 night stand. I say just back off and keep professionalism. Trust me he is not expecting that. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 7:49pm

Hi Exzhellraisr,

Thanks for your feedback. You are right. I have to stop being so smitten with this guy - I don't think he does this all the time (in a work situation - or else I would've heard something) BUT I do agree that guys don't just cheat once so I'm sure he cheats on his gf all the time in other venues... truthfully, would I ever want to be with a guy like this? No.... I just have to get over how hot he is! AH... and move on.

Ick no.

I appreciate your thoughts.. this really does help give more perspective on the situation

best

kaye

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 9:42am
You need to be 100% professional, friendly and nothing more. It may be hard to get over it but try to concentrate on something else. What's done is done, lesson learned, move on. And if you haven't already, work on establishing strong relationships with other coworkers... should your integrity ever come into question, you want others to be able to support you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:37am

You konw how you can get over this guy? You can start by realizing you're just the hootchie mama that he comes to see, when he's in your area. Otherwise, you mean jack to him.

And btw, ppl cheat very easily. and are okay with it. I wonder how many other unsuspecting young women this guy has slept with, AT your company. In fact, I'd go ask the guy that got in trouble for knowing.

Big hugs. It IS a crush, do NOT contact him, do NOT go out with him. And I am sorry to say, but you ARE only a sex object to him. I wonder if he has others he sleeps with at other offices that he visits. If he does this with you, AND cheats on his gf. Don't think he won't and can't do it with others. No, you're not special, and NO, you're not different.

I know that hurts, but its best you get hurt now, by my harsh words, instead of getting hurt by him when he tells you exactly what I just said.

Hugs. Dump the guy and tell him you aren't settling for being "the other woman" and leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 12:17pm
Wow inkeddogmom that was true but a bit harsh. She is right though like I said before. In the business workd men get away with this kiind of stuff non stop. Don't be a victim! lol It sounds funny but so true. Dust yourself off and find someone who wants you to be their main squeeze like you deserve!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 3:03pm

I do wanna say I"m sorry, to the OP, because I saw your post about deciding to just leave the guy alone, AFTER I posted.

However, I still stick to my post. I see a lot A LOT of men doing this to so many women. and women alwyas believe they're special, they're different, cuz he loves her, NOT his gf. etc etc etc. I just wanted to make sure, she realizes she is't any of those things, and that yes, he IS using her, and she sooooo deserves better than that. ALL women do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 6:08pm

Inkeddogmom,

Yes.. that was harsh - but true. I agree!... I can't believe I got into this mess... I mean, I can... but I can't believe in a work-related situation. I don't feel used because I feel like I used him a bit too BUT it has just gotten worse.

The guy who was trying to start rumours (true but still none of his beeswax) - someone complained to HR about him about the rumours (it wasn't me but I think it was a colleague in my position but on the other side of the country - who I confided in - didn't say that I DID anything...just said Nick was trying to start rumours) and so the guy I slept with (Bob) called me this morning (since he is his boss) to talk to me about the situation...

I kinda feel a bit attacked. Bob... called me today and basically asked me how he would like me to discipline the rumour starter Nick. Bob is Nick's boss so in my opinion he should deal with it. I feel trapped in this situation because I totally think that stuff has gotten blown out of proportion and like broken telephone - it has gotten misconstrued. Which makes me look like an IDIOT... but my claims against Nick were justified (in addition to the rumours... inappropriate comments, divulging of personal information, abuse of IT privledges to read my email etc). BUT I didn't bring them forth so now they've gotten twisted and look like half truths. I guess I should've brought them forward....first. But I didn't think they were such a big deal.

I guess this is just proving how careful I need to be in a man's industry. Or Industry in general. But still. It's unfair.

thanks for listening gals.

kaye

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 6:27pm

Wow! Okay, that just sucks. And I am glad you don't feel used. I didn't say you should feel used, I said you were most likely BEING used. And if you didnt know he had a gf the day you met him and he flirted and came after you, then that's not 100% your fault. So do'nt think that's what I was saying either.

I just wanted to point out that in MOST companies, emails are NOT private, and IT/IS has every right to scan or go through your emails whenever they want. For whatever reasons.

And I think it was VERY inappropriate that Bob called you to ask YOU how YOU'd like him to discipline Nick. If he did break the rules, and imho, starting rumors is not breaking the rules, it should be done by the book, not out of personal gain. And well, it seems like Bob wants you to make Nick pay for what he did. SCARY!

BTW, I"m curious.....the "private information" that Nick divulged, was it stuff that he "heard" around the office, or stuff he got from gonig thru your HR file? If it was stuff he heard, that's not against the law either, if it's something out of your HR file, that's HUGELY wrong. I guess, what I"m trying to say is.....you can't "complain" if it's not illegal.

Good luck. I hope you can get out of this situation in a positive way. And definitely let Bob reprimand Nick in whatever way HE sees fit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 8:28am

I totally agree with the other poster. Let Bob deal with disciplining Nick.

Apart from that just ignore the gossip and it will go away. Don't confirm or deny anything. If someone asks you about it just say something glib about office gossip and change the subject. In a week or two some new tasty tidbit will surface and the office gossips will forget all about it.