foolishly read his email.he loves his ex
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| Fri, 12-02-2005 - 8:13pm |
Dear whoever reads this...
I did something really stupid (as you can see by reading the discussion title). My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we are living together presently. We have a dog and are talking very seriously about building a life together which I was very excited about. Sure, we've had our issues over the past two years, but I always just thought that love was just hard at times. But for over a year now, things have been perfect. We haven't had ANY problems (which is why I haven't seen the need to write or post on ivillage).
But then I went and did something not so smart. In August, he bought me a gold ring just out of the blue and I wasn't sure what it meant. I guess you could say I went temporarily crazy and I logged into his email and I accidentily saw that the ring he gave me was just a "tester" ring for when he planned on proposing in January. This was the best news of my life. I cried, I was thrilled, and I've known in secret until now. I didn't want to tell him I knew because I felt it would break his heart (he's planned a vacation to Maui to get down on bended knee under a waterfall...my goodness) and I wanted him to be happy. Yes, what I did was wrong there.
Since then, things between he and my parents hadn't been going well. They've never ever liked him (For no apparent reason) and in the past month, he asked for my dad's email because he wanted to talk to him. I didn't know why, so I just gave him the email. Then, the curiosity like in August set in again, and I checked his email. Well, he wrote my Dad the sweetest and most sincere "permission" letter to ask for my parents' permission for my hand in marriage. It was so beautifully written explaining that he knew that they didn't like him and that he would do anything so that they would because he knew that it would make me incredibly happy and that that was all he wanted: to see me happy. Again, I cried when I read that.
At the same time, I wanted to see what my dad wrote back (a sick spiral), and he wrote back a letter like any dad would right: how do you plan on supporting my daughter, and on and on. It was so surreal that I just felt so loved by my parents and him at the same time. In fact, even though my dad objects to my boyfriend, he even wrote to him that he and my mother we "excited" which really eased my heart.
Then, I opened up an email which I thought was his response back to my dad. But when I opened it, it was an email he sent last night to his ex girlfriend. In it, it started off saying, "how are you, how is your life? Mine is great. My job, gf, dog, etc are all fantastic." Then all of a sudden, it said, "I wish the best for you in everything. When I think about the time we spent together, I am filled with joy and regret...more joy than regret. We were just dumb kids. I love you to this day and wish the best of everything for you in your life." MInd you, their relationship, as far as I have been told ended 7 years ago and he had said he was over her.
However, throughout our time, I always felt like he was holding something back. He was hesitant to tell me he loved me and didn't want to really commit until a year ago (when we last had a serious problem). Even, early in our relationship (first couple weeks) his ex was still calling him and they were still talking...as friends he said. I never felt like he has cheated on me...he spends all of his time with me. But now I'm feeling that he's always held back emotionally.
Right now, I feel disgusted and disgusting. I am angry at him because I feel like our entire relationship is based on a lie. I feel like he's just "settled" with me and regrets not having someone else. That word regret is just such a harsh sounding, and LOADED word. I feel like he never wholly loved me and still doesn’t to this day despite the fact that he's planning on proposing. And if he is proposing with these feelings, then what the HECK is he doing? My pride tells me that I cannot take second to another woman.
I am also, obviously, very angry with myself. I know that I deserve reading what I read to his ex because what I did was deceitful and dishonest. I opened up his email, I know more than I should about what he's planning, and now I know about his true feelings for her. I'm so torn because I don't know what to do. I feel like on the one hand, I deserve to know the truth about his true feelings for her and me and etc. I feel like I deserve to know whether or not our relationship has been a lie and why he's still saying such strong things to her that at this point, I feel, should only be said to me. On the other hand, I realize that in telling him the truth in all of this, I risk losing him, our trust, our future, everything that he was planning, hurting him about knowing about the proposal, and etc etc etc. I know that now that I’ve opened Pandora’s box, that I can’t ever close it or just bury the hatchet because I will always feel like there is a little voice inside me saying that he loves her and contradicting his every action and move and everything he says. I feel like he’s constantly comparing me to someone else and not just loving me. I feel like he’ll always be longing for “the one that got away.”
And by the way. He cheated on her from what I’ve heard and she’ll never take him back. Its not physical distrust as much as it is emotional distrust right now. I don’t know what to do. If I’m blowing this way out of proportion, then someone, please tell me that I’m being stupid and to shut my big mouth. I will never, however, open his email as I have learned my harsh lesson all too well. If this was just him saying goodbye to her, then that is great. What I have written, although I am ashamed, is ALL true because I’m hoping for the best possible opinion or advice that anyone can give. Please help. I can’t look him in the eye, and I don’t want to keep lying to him for why I am continuously crying and extremely upset. Should I tell him (write him a letter, talk to him...although I don't know how to do that) or just keep it inside.

Others might disagree with me here, but I think his email sounds like him saying goodbye to her. I suspect he's preparing himself for his marriage and tying up loose romantic ends. I have an ex that would never say the "L" word when we were together, but now he'll email or call me and say it all the time. I think it's easier to think a certain way about someone when you are no longer with them, you know the nostalgia thing.
I wouldn't worry if I were you. But I would try to talk to him about her without bringing up that you read his emails. He sounds sincere to me about you and is probably just getting his ducks in a row (emotionally) to becoming a married man.
Good luck!
Chick
Actually, I'd totally agree with you. And if he was not over his ex, he'd be filled with more REGRET than joy. I think of a few x's in my life, and a smile comes to my face. I think of the good times we had, the love we shared. In fact, yes, I would even tell those ppl that I do still love them and always will. HOWEVER, it's not an "IN LOVE" love, it's just a love. And honestly, if he was not over his ex, I doubt he would've said how everything with you and the dog are fantastic.
I agree with ichickpee. I think that was his good-bye, I'm letting you go forever email. So she knows that he did love her, will love her, but will never be IN love with her again, and that he's letting go and moving on.
I say.........leave it be, don't even talk to him about it. If anything, he'll lose trust of YOU, as you have CLEARLY done more snooping and mistrust than he has. His letter proves absolutely NOTHING.
And lastly..........I have a r'ship I regret. Nope, I don't want the guy back, I do love him, I always will. I regret that we were so young and immature, however, he's happy, I'm happy, and that's all I want to know. That he's moved on well, and found love and happiness. But no, I don't think about him all the time and say, "woe is me, I regret not having him in my life". It's just one of those, I regret that thigns were so screwed up. And MAYBE he regrets cheating on her and hurting her.
So.........again, you are overreacting. That email was never meant for you to read. I don't think he's cheating (not even emotionally), and I think you have learned a hard lesson.....stop snooping. I think if you talk to him about this, due to your OWN insecurities, you're going to ruin your r'ship, because he WILL lose trust for you. And then it'll spiral out of control, cuz you won't trust him emotionally, and he won't trust you, and it's over. Instead..............know that he loves you. Have faith that that WAS a good-bye letter. And saying "I will always love you" has nothing to do with WANTING TO BE WITH THEM. I nkow it's hard to read, but that's the truth.
big hugs. be strong. don't snoop anymore, and have faith that he wants to be with you. he's gone through a lot to get permission to marry you.
Marie
I also agree with everyone else. He wasn't asking her back, he was telling her goodbye so he could fully commit to you. You shouldn't have been snooping, but sometimes crap happens. You've obviously learned how damaging to a relationship it can be. But I think what you came upon is an innocent thing that you have, understandably, blown out of proportion. I think a lot of us would be hurt if we read our bf tell someone else that he loves them, but there are so many levels of love.
A quick example, when my husband and I were first dating we had a misunderstanding very similar to this. My first love and I were still close friends when DH and I started dating. Saul (DH) and I were very drunk one night, and Saul was getting very stupidly emotional, and he stormed out of his apartment for whatever irrational reason. I called my ex and we were talking and I told him I loved him. Not that I was in love with him, but that I love him as a friend, and I'm glad I still had him in my life. Well Saul's roommate overheard, and told Saul, and we actually broke up for 2 days because of it. Thankfully, I got the opportunity to explain, and as you can see it all worked out for the best.
I know if the situation had been reversed I would have been terribly upset with him too, but I would have been in the wrong, just as he was then too, and you are now. In my opinion, you should just take this as a grain of salt, stop snooping (let him surprise you hunney), and realize how much he really loves you and is looking to commit to you. If I were you I wouldn't tell him you were snooping, because it will make him question his trust in you, and I would really try to let it go. He's not settling, he loves you and wants to marry you. YAY!! Be happy.
I responded to the OP on another board, so I won't repeat my response here. I agreed with everyone that she is taking the email the wrong way.
However, where I disagree is in not coming clean to him. I am honestly shocked that so many people think it's ok to deceive him in this way. How can a relationship or marriage thrive if two people are not completely honest with each other? Keeping this side of herself from him takes away his choice of whether he's ok with that aspect of her personality or not. If they are right for each other, then they are right for each other warts and all. He deserves to know this about her, and to choose whether to rebuild trust or not.
Sheri