Forgive his past?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Forgive his past?
5
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 1:30am
I've been dating my boyfriend now for just over a year. We are still in college and he is my first real relationship (and the first person I have slept with), but we are so very close and I really do see us together in the future. He has even said that he wants to get married in the future. So I have no concerns about him not loving me anymore. My only concern had been his past girlfriend. He went to high school overseas and dated one girl for 5 months before he came to college here. He even admits that he was closer to her than me, but says that we have a healthier relationship and he feels that he sees so much more in me than he does in her. I really believe him--he is always about opening up communication between us. I know he is so good to me, he always tells me he loves me (and truly means it), never ignores me, and is completely devoted. But tonight, he told me that he got his last girlfriend pregnant (about 1 year before we started dating). She did get an abortion but it still bothers me. He used to smoke cigarettes and pot (two things I absolutely hate--both of which he quit using to be with me). He says I should be be happy that he was open with me, because in the end, it will make us closer. I guess that I have trouble forgiving his past--the cigarettes, the pot, the sex, and getting his past girlfriend pregnant. (Now I realize to some of you that the cigarettes and the pot may seem a little overboard, but it is just something that I've been brought up to stay away from and something that I feel so strongly about.) I really do love him, but I need some advice and support on why/how I should forgive him and really move on, instead of just saying everything is ok without really meaning it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 9:46am

There's nothing for you to FORGIVE. His past has nothing to do with you.

But, you DO have to decide whether you can ACCEPT his past. And if you can't, then you need to move on for both your sakes.

Only you can answer this question. Think about what his past says about his values, think about whether you believe his values have truly changed or only the circumstances. And think about how important it is to you that your life partner have/do not have those values.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 5:25pm

I couldn't agree more. You need to ACCEPT his past, not forgive him. We forgive people when they wrong us. But your boyfriend has done absolutely nothing wrong to you.

And I would go further and say that he's done absolutely nothing wrong with his previous girlfriend either. Having sex would have been a mutual decision made between them. And pregnancy is a risk one takes when they have sex.

Smoking pot and cigarettes? That wouldn't have harmed anyone. He was doing what he was comfortable with at the time....and he's not doing it now. Again, nothing to forgive.

Try looking at it from a different angle. Our pasts make us what we are today. If he didn't have the past he has, then he wouldn't be the person he is.

**edited to add: You will never find a man who's past you are completely comfortable with. So your choice is to remain miserable with whoever you are with or to work on yourself. Tolerance and acceptance would be admirable qualities for you to add to your personality.




Edited 4/9/2006 5:49 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:12am

I agree with the other posters that there is nothing here for you to forgive. I'm wondering if that was just bad word choice on your part.

If what you are wondering is how to deal with your fears that he may not share your values, but may simply be doing these things to keep from losing you, THAT I might be able to help a little with.

You see good relationships are built on trust, compatability, and communication. It sounds like you are afraid he doesn't actually share your values and that if you stay with him he may go back to smoking pot and/or cigarettes and treating sex in a manner you consider to be to casual. IF I'm correct, the best way to address your concerns is to speak directly to him. Ask him why he stopped doing those things. Ask him how he feels he has changed and grown as a person and why he would no longer make those choices now.

People do change and it may be that his values are more in line with yours now then they were in the past. BUT if the only reason he can give you is that he loves you/loves you more and wants to be with you. Well, then I would argue that isn't a good enough reason and you may need to consider breaking up with him.

Here's why... It is HIGHLY unlikely that a person will actually change a core value (seeing nothing wrong with smoking) for another person. They have to want to make that change for themselves and for their own reasons. Even if it DID happen, it isn't emotionally healthy TO change who you are to please another person. Which would be a sign he really needs to do some more work on himself before getting involved in a serious relationship.

Also, if you disagree with these things and his values haven't changed for his own reasons, these things or other things, will likely become issues in your relationship in your future.

It is a difficult thing to accept, but we would all be very wise to acknowledge that love doesn't not resolve all problems in relationships and sometimes even when we love someone very much they really aren't a good match for us.

I had a VERY difficult time letting go of my first serious relationship, the first man I ever had sex with. I think I stayed with him becasue I had always been raised that you don't have sex unless you are in love and are going to get married. At the time, I truly believed I loved him and I felt we probably would get married. I stayed with him for about 6-7 years. He was my highschool/college sweetheart. He wasn't a bad guy; but, as it turns out we really weren't an ideal match for each other and I really wasn't ready to get married.

It was hard to admit I had given my virginity to the "wrong" man, but over time I realized that I did give it to the right man. A man who loved me and whom I loved; but, who over time I grew away from and eventually accepted that I just wasn't compatible with.

It was sad for both of us when it ended, but it was the best thing, there were too many things we just didn't agree about.

Now I've found the right person for me and things are wonderful; but, that never would have happened if I hadn't been able to let go of someone I loved very much but just wasn't meant for me.

I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:10am
Thanks so much for your reply--it is very appreciated! You have no idea how much this helped me out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:54am
I'm really glad to hear that. Feel free to email me my handle at yahoo is the same as it is here.