Forgiving past mistakes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Forgiving past mistakes
5
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 11:37am

I dated a guy for about 6 months back around the end of 2001 beginning of 2002. To make this as short as possible, he cheated on me back then, the first time when we were only about 6 weeks into seeing each other. He begged, I forgave, he did it again, and then I broke up with him for good. He cheated with the same girl who was a long term thing that he had recently gotten out of prior to meeting me.

Over the past 4 years we have run into each other several times and have always been pleasant with each other. A few times he has asked me to consider getting back with him again. The whole "I've been out there dating and realizing exactly what I lost when I had you, etc." thing. I did go out with him last Saturday. I told him that dating me at this point would be like dating an FBI agent, because that trust in him is not going to come easily. Not that I would act like that with any new guy, but with him, I would. He says he knows that and is prepared to deal with it.

We had a good time Saturday. He didn't even try to kiss me. I just don't know. Do I try this, or is it ridiculous to think he would change? I am 39 and he is 33 if that gives any additional perspective. You'd think I would be able to figure this out on my own by now!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 1:00pm

People cheat because their morals and values allow them to. If he were saying that he has completely changed his morals and values so that he no longer feels capable of cheating, that would be one thing...but he's not saying that...just that he misses the benefits of dating you.

Dating him again would not be a very smart risk, IMO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:41pm
Thank you Sheri. I hadn't thought of it in those terms before. He hasn't come out and really said it that way yet, and I think I need to ask him that in point blank terms and see how he reacts. Good advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:31am

I would never give an ex-boyfriend who cheated on me once a second chance -- let alone who cheated on me multiple times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:20am

I think that is an EXCEEDINGLY smart move on your part. People do change, but only for their own reasons and through their own personal growth.

I also agree with Sherri, the fact he said he wanted to get back together with you becasue he's been dating and he realizes what he lost, while romantic sounding, is usually anything but. It is usually a sign that the guy has been out there dating and either hasn't found anyone he likes better then you and is getting sick of looking so he's willing to "settle" for you OR, even worse, he hasn't found anyone who would let him get away with what YOU let him get away.

The guy could genuinely have changed, but IF it were me it would take some MAJOR convincing and a LOT of honesty and openness on his part regarding just how he became "a changed man". Once upon a time I fell for a similar line of bull, I'd hate for you to do the same.

Just be careful and if your gut tells you to turn and run as fast as you can, listen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:44am
if you want a boytoy go for it, but expecting anything beyond that is a mistake. he's definetly not bf material. best wishes.