Found "The One?" ?HELP!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Found "The One?" ?HELP!?
8
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 12:08am

How do you slow your own brain down when it comes to feeling like you found "The One"? I have this overwhelming sensation that won't go away. Everything in me tells me... HE IS THE ONE.

Here's my story:

I recently reconnected with an ex-boyfriend that I dated for almost 2 years(16 years ago!) In talking to him for the past few months, we have recently stared talking almost everyday for the past few weeks. It's mostly in text which I love because I am not a big phone person and neither is he. Though we have talked via phone, just to hear each others voices, we both prefer to text. The text messages just seem to flow, we flirt and we are just connecting on a level that has left me with this overwhelming sense of joy and happiness with a hint of perfection!

So my question/concern is, I am already getting sucked back into the Love that I have for this man. How do I slow my brain down in thinking and feeling that this is the man I am suppose to be with?

How and when do I ask him how he feels about me? I mean I think I know he feels very deeply for me but of course we have not really talked about our feelings yet as its still very, very new to both of us. I have said to him, "I can't believe we have reconnected. I've miss you so much" and he responds, "I feel the same."
Then after our first phone conversation I texted him and said, "It was good to hear your voice. Just thought I'd say goodnight!" and he responds, "I agree, I was just laying here thinking the same thing."

Is it true that if you let something go and it comes back to you its yours forever? Does us reconnecting mean he has come back to me?

Any advice to help me slow down and to keep taking things one day at a time would greatly help. Also if someone has any help in how I can ease into the conversation to how he feels about me, I'd appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 9:47am

To really find out for sure if he's got additional feelings, you need to back off of the texting for a while and limit your conversations. Instead, tell him that you would prefer hearing his voice more by phone instead. Keep this in mind, I know you said you don't like talking on the phone...but if he likes you enough...and the more you tell him you want to "hear his voice" instead, he'll jump on that phone more and more. The idea here is that you want him to be making the plans, and chasing you, and not the other way around.

Also, The more you limit your conversations, and the less "available" you are on text, the more interested he will become. When I mean being less available, you need to not reply back right away to text's or not answering the phone and let it go to VM. You want to make it seem as though you are busy, and do NOT spill your feelings to him until he starts making his moves and starts chasing you more.

You aren't there quiet yet as to if he's "the one" or not. Limit your expectations from him, and try to act as though he's not going to call or text, as hard as that may be right now. The less you put into it right now, the better off you will be, and you may be suprised at how much more you will get out of this. Sounds weird, but it does work!

But you are in a good position to see what his true feelings are and if he's got some interest in you. As far as trying to figure out his feelings, you should have the "mindset" right now that he needs to show you his interest in you, by taking you out, calling you on the phone, and taking the intiative first. Let HIM do the work and show you how he feels. If he starts doing that more and more, then you are on your way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 11:49am

I think you need to talk on the phone more often (personally) to really get a feel for how things are going. Text messages can often be mis-interpreted. When you speak on the phone you get a better sense of what someone feels from the tone of their voice.

How far apart do you live? Can you meet face-to-face to *really* see if the spark is still there?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 2:47pm

Texting is easy...it doesn't mean anything IMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 4:20pm

I'm sure you are very excited and to have this young love feeling is quite intense.

However, you are putting the cart before the horse - BIG TIME. In what way/shape/form does he appear to be "the one" for you? What is so wonderful about him? Or are you in love with the feeling you have when he texts you?

Texts are kind of like online chatting. You can't see the person, you can't feel the person, you can't hear the person. You are falling in love with texts and ideas, not a real person because you can't see them! It's very easy to build a not so real relationship this way. It is really easy to get carried away in texts/chatting because it's almost like a fake world.

I suggest you move this relationship into the real world if you want to see if it holds ground. Have you even seen each other in person? Has this man taken you on any dates? Where does he live in relation to you?

How long have you been "reconnecting?"

"Is it true that if you let something go and it comes back to you its yours forever? Does us reconnecting mean he has come back to me?"

This famous quote needs some interpretation. "If you love someone and they do not love you back equally, then let them go and don't settle or throw yourself at them. If they come back (16 years later) it's just a coincidence." Really. Don't get too hung up on the meaning of this. It's just something that girlfriends tell other girlfriends in high-school when a guy wants to dump us to make them feel better.

Lastly, please get your self a copy of this book (libraries are free!)

"Are You the One for Me?" By Barbara DeAngelis

Lots of people make stupid love moves. This is a good book that sets you straight in a lot of love myths. Learn how to make smart love moves with your brain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 7:07pm
We currently live in different states. So I know a "relationship" is out of the mix right now.
What I want to know is, how do I slow my brain down in thinking that he is the man for me?
I agree with you all when you say that we need to talk on the phone more and see each other face to face and all that is in the works. I am suppose to go visit him in January. But if its anything like what I am feeling right now, then I am only going to get sucked in further. I don't know how he feels about me and I don't know when or how to bring it up to him or if I even should yet since its just too soon.
He knows I want to move out of the state I am in and have wanted to for the last 20 years. So he has recently started telling me how good his weather is where he is. I tease him and tell him, he better be careful or he might have an unexpected roommate. To this he replies there's more then enough room!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 2:12pm
Keep reminding yourself, 100 times a day if necessary, that right now it's all fantasy not reality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 3:31pm

Like the above poster said, tell yourself over and over exactly what he said.

Then I also think you need to read "Are You the One for Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis to get yourself grounded. After all you THINK he is the one for you, so why don't you read about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 8:39pm

Like everyone else is saying, you need to talk on the phone more.