freaking out
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| Sat, 05-13-2006 - 3:33am |
I am 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been dating for 19 months and recently the topic of marriage came up. He told my brother that we wouldn't get married for a long time and we weren't ready. I questioned by boyfriend about this and his response was that I hadn't spent enough time with his parents and that would take at least a year.
Do I give him the year? He was ready to propose to his ex and his parents hated her. Therefore, I'm not sure how much their opinion counts. His parents have made no effort to get to know me in a year and a half. I am a medical student. I am going to have to make choices about my residency in the next year. If we are engaged, I consider him in my choices. If we aren't, I don't. Also, the 4th year of med school is the only time I will have to get married. It sounds weird but it is true.
I say if we are sure, why wait? If we got engaged in December, we would still have been together for two and a half years. I don't want to dictate things but I sure don't want to waste another year on him. This sounds like such a lame excuse. I can get to know his parents in three or four visits. It shouldn't take a year. And what if they hate me? Are we done? Is he just not that into me?

"I say if we are sure, why wait? And what if they hate me? Are we done? Is he just not that into me?"
These are questions you need to ask HIM. You need to assess just how much his parents opinions influence his decisions. Frankly, I think if he NEEDS their approval then even if you do wind up being approved by them and getting married, it could cause problems later in your relationship. Does he also need their approval on big financial decisions? When to have kids? How many kids to have? Where to live? What job to take? These are things you need to find out before deciding if you even still want to marry him. If he absolutely needs their approval on the person HE'S chosen to spend the rest of his life with, are you really willing to accept the fact that not only might he have picked their decision over his own had they disagreed but that they will probably be in your business and having the final say on big decisions that ONLY you and he should be making together for the rest of your lives?
At some point a child needs to grow up and start making his (or her) own decisions. And parents need to let go and trust that they raised their child to make the right decisions for himself (or herself), not for them.
The fact that he seemingly dumped his last girlfriend when he was ready to marry her just because his parents didn't approve tells me that he and his parents still have not made this natural transition... he so desperately needs their approval that he's unwilling to do anything they disapprove of and they're not willing to relinquish that power either.
I can understand his desire for his parents approval. When my fiance met my family, I was SO nervous because I really wanted it to work. Luckily, they love him but even if they hadn't, it may have sucked but it wouldn't have stopped me from getting engaged to him. If you love someone enough to marry them then you should love them enough to tell your parents to accept this person you've chosen to be with for the rest of your life whether they like it or not because they need to respect the decision you've made. You really need to find out from him if he's capable of doing that and if he's not, only you can decide if you still want to be with him or not.
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