freaking out

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
freaking out
2
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 3:33am

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been dating for 19 months and recently the topic of marriage came up. He told my brother that we wouldn't get married for a long time and we weren't ready. I questioned by boyfriend about this and his response was that I hadn't spent enough time with his parents and that would take at least a year.

Do I give him the year? He was ready to propose to his ex and his parents hated her. Therefore, I'm not sure how much their opinion counts. His parents have made no effort to get to know me in a year and a half. I am a medical student. I am going to have to make choices about my residency in the next year. If we are engaged, I consider him in my choices. If we aren't, I don't. Also, the 4th year of med school is the only time I will have to get married. It sounds weird but it is true.

I say if we are sure, why wait? If we got engaged in December, we would still have been together for two and a half years. I don't want to dictate things but I sure don't want to waste another year on him. This sounds like such a lame excuse. I can get to know his parents in three or four visits. It shouldn't take a year. And what if they hate me? Are we done? Is he just not that into me?

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: lgsz68
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 7:05am

"I say if we are sure, why wait? And what if they hate me? Are we done? Is he just not that into me?"

These are questions you need to ask HIM. You need to assess just how much his parents opinions influence his decisions. Frankly, I think if he NEEDS their approval then even if you do wind up being approved by them and getting married, it could cause problems later in your relationship. Does he also need their approval on big financial decisions? When to have kids? How many kids to have? Where to live? What job to take? These are things you need to find out before deciding if you even still want to marry him. If he absolutely needs their approval on the person HE'S chosen to spend the rest of his life with, are you really willing to accept the fact that not only might he have picked their decision over his own had they disagreed but that they will probably be in your business and having the final say on big decisions that ONLY you and he should be making together for the rest of your lives?

At some point a child needs to grow up and start making his (or her) own decisions. And parents need to let go and trust that they raised their child to make the right decisions for himself (or herself), not for them.

The fact that he seemingly dumped his last girlfriend when he was ready to marry her just because his parents didn't approve tells me that he and his parents still have not made this natural transition... he so desperately needs their approval that he's unwilling to do anything they disapprove of and they're not willing to relinquish that power either.

I can understand his desire for his parents approval. When my fiance met my family, I was SO nervous because I really wanted it to work. Luckily, they love him but even if they hadn't, it may have sucked but it wouldn't have stopped me from getting engaged to him. If you love someone enough to marry them then you should love them enough to tell your parents to accept this person you've chosen to be with for the rest of your life whether they like it or not because they need to respect the decision you've made. You really need to find out from him if he's capable of doing that and if he's not, only you can decide if you still want to be with him or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
In reply to: lgsz68
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 9:16am
For starters YOU and your B/F mutually should be making the decisions about getting married. As scary as it is for us women to think that way in your case you should def be asking him questions and sitting down for conversations about what the future entails. I get the feeling that you really want to talk to him but you are scared. Which, is completely fine but you honestly need to know what's up because this has to do with your life too! As for the parent thing, I understand he wants them to get to know you. Remember to be aggressive if this is what you really want. YOU should be saying, "hey we have this weekend free why dont we go see your folks?" And, if this is something you truly can't do then you can simply ask, "let's schedule a time to have your parents come over. I want them to meet the person that you are in love with" If there is no movement on his part then you know that he is simply not ready. You cant push something that he is not ready for. Marriage is a big deal and it does sound like his parents have an enormous influence over the decision he makes. So, you better believe that their opinion about you counts. But, you know what be yourself-your not gonna be marrying them your gonna be marrying him. hope this is helpful.