friends w/ benefits ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
friends w/ benefits ?
9
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:02am
I hope someone can help me with this. I started to have realationship with my best friend, we met at work 5 years ago and hit it off pretty quick. We became friends at work only then things started to change about 2 years ago, i realized that i fell in love with him but kept it to myself and a few close friends. So one day i was talking to him and told him how i felt and he said he knew for a while about my feelings. So everything started to change from there but slowly, he would call me more often cause we didnt work together anymore, and we became better friends. So one night i called him and asked him if he had dinner yet, and he asked me if i wanted to come over with the dinner i made .and so i went there and had a few drinks and soon we were all over each other. We had only oral sex and it was great cause i hadnt been with anyone for quite awhile. So fast foward to now, We are still getting together every once and awhile but not as much and here is the problem he wont have intercourse with me we do everything else but have real sex.So ive asked him why and he always says hes to drunk or he wont say anything at all.I have to say all the time he wants me to come over hes had a few drinks which i didnt have a problem with at first but now i dont know? I know this isnt normal behavior for a man but and a few times ive asked if he wanted me when hes sober and he says yes , but the only time he calls me for sex its when hes drunk! Now I know i shouldnt go over there when hes like that but i cant help myself hes so hard to resist. So what can i do to have him make love to me the right way ? so if anyone out there has any suggestions please feel free to let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:40pm

This is only my guess, but maybe it's because you're NOT his girlfriend. Sadly, to too many guys oral sex isn't sex (thanks Clinton) but on the same par as kissing. Sooner or later you've got to decide for yourself what you will and will not put up with. As it is now, you're willing to settle for what he's giving you because you keep answering the call.

Just something to keep in mind though, guys used to have to pay for what you're handing over for free. Guys used to have to commit to get the goodies, now they only need to call. Just like a child, they will do what they're allowed to get away with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:43pm
Thanks for your input to this, your right on a few things, first he has told me that he doesnt want a girlfriend, which i understand. Hes not in a place right now where he is ready for it, he has had a few bad breakups with others and still not over one of them.Even though he says he is, he still talks about her and talks to her and her family,which i think is kinda wierd cause they broke up ten years ago!! So i know hes carrier some baggage and dont we all, but i do think thats why he wont give him self completely to me if that makes sense because hes still holding on to the past and hes trying to find someone just like her. I have resisted a few times hes called for a quickie but its hard to sometimes, so i guess im a glutton for this punishment .
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:45pm

Dear cclaudiab:

I'm sorry that you are having difficulty resisting this guy. If I read you correctly, he calls you infrequently, only when he's drunk, and then will not have regular sex, only oral sex. Sweetie, this is a booty call from a guy who won't give you what you need and want.

My question to you is, "Why do you put up with this?" Truly, this is not your childhood dream, is it? Walk away! Date other guys, and don't give up your gifts. Don't be low-hanging fruit for guys who will take from you and not give back or provide an emotional base for you.

Have you ever visited the Mars Venus board? There are hundreds of women out there who are trying to build their self esteem from user loser guys like yours. Be high up apple girl! beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:22pm
Sounds like the poster situation for the saying "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." He still has hope that his XGF and he will get back together, but until that happens he's perfectly happy taking your body for a spin. I'm going to spell o ut for you what he is saying and doing. Brace yourself because it ain't pretty. He is "not in a place right now" where he can be giving and selfless, he's only in a place right now where he can treat you like an unpaid whore. Do you see the awfulness of what he is saying when it's written out that bluntly harsh? It's really not hard to say no to his indescent proposal when you remove the fluff and fantasy of it and break it down to just how heinous it truly is.


Edited 5/4/2006 4:23 pm ET by dansfoxywife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:25am
Thank you for what you said, because im starting to feel like a apple on the low branch for him to take. The likely hood of him getting back together with the ex is nill cause shes married and hes told me that he thinks of her more like a sister now.But i do think hes holding her up on a pedalstal(spell?)still and is trying to find someone like her.He has told me in the past that he loves me but i dont know if its as a friend or more? We have been through alot together in the past 2 years, both my parents became ill and he was always there for me , when my mom pasted away he was my shoulder to cry on. So you can see i have a hard time stepping away from him because he is my best friend and I know we will always be friends .But im going to have to learn to say no to him when it comes to sex even if im horny as hell!!! lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:24pm
But it all begins with the mindset that you need to come to. Now this is just me, but if I were in your shoes heck no we couldn't be friends, let alone best friends! Someone who uses me, toys with my emotions, and gives me the run around isn't a friend. Sheesh, if he was a girl, doing the things he's doing to you, would you want to be *friends* with her?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:10pm

Dear ccc:

I've been there, honeybunch, I know how tough it is. Like you, I believed my FWB was my FRIEND first. But, you know what? He wasn't. He didn't care for me or about me and didn't treat me like a friend.

The bottomline for me was I loved him, he didn't love me. I'm still "friends" with the guy, but not with benefits since mid-Sept. Just always know, the power is yours. Your place on the tree isn't his to make of you, it's yours. I took myself off the ground and put myself at the top of the tree. I'm out of purple-shirt, back-burner status and out of his closet and off his stove altogether.

I believe, ccc, that REAL love is trying to get to us, but can't make it through when we've got ourselves in these muddled half relationships. Come out to the mars venus boards--there's so much love and support for us out there! The women there have helped me rebuild my self respect....Beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 11:57am
Thank you ladies for your advice about this. I know I have alot to think about with this situation. Iam not ready to walk away from him because weve been through alot together, he is someone i truly trust and love and i know that he feels the same way about me .Alot of this is also my fault cause i did start the whole thing with the sex,He was the one saying no to my advances and i kept pushing it till he gave in. So im not the complete victim here, for about 5 monthes we didnt do anything but talk and just be friends. Then one day i asked him if he wanted to get together and he said he would let me know,so later that evening i called him and he said that he would call me back cause he had a friend over. He got rid of friend and asked me to come over which i did with the intent of it beening just sex and nothing else.It was nice and fun cause we hadnt been together for so long, but my issue here is that we didnt have intercouse and that was my whole point in this . I know some people will say that he is useing me but i think im doing the same to him sometimes, so after reading some of your responces ive decided to start to think about all of this and reevaluate my realationship with him.One thing i know is that we cant lose each other right now and stop being friends. So now i have to learn not to call for sex and learn to be more of a friend and start from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 12:11pm

Dear ccc:

Definitely, keep the friendship--it sounds like a good one. Step back from the sex, especially your pursuit of him for sex. Enjoy the friendship quality. Who knows? Perhaps he'll want to initiate sex. I would just caution you to use your wisdom if he does.

You deserve a man who will love and support your emotions and will be devoted to you. You deserve a deep and loving connection that flows freely between you and a man. Maybe this guy can fit the bill. beyondmeasure