friends w/ benefits question
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| Mon, 05-01-2006 - 6:05pm |
I know no one can really tell me this and I have to figure it out with him by myself but I'm just curious about other peoples perception and experiances.
There are 2 guys (not at the same time) that I've had friends with benefits with. One was last summer and fall and the other is right now. The one last summer/fall is still a very close and dear friend who I saw today and who is trying in his own way to help cause he doesn't want to see me hurt again like I was with him.
I've been friends with the new guy a few months and it started out over the internet. Talking on MSN mostly. Let me say that I'm 25 going to be 26 and he's 31 going to be 32 so there is almost 5 1/2 years difference. We talked about being friends and sex and friends with benefits and both said we were interested. He admitted he'd like to meet me and I admitted the same. So we went for a coffee and a drive and just talked. At the end of the evening he asked me how I felt it went. I said great and that I felt totally comfertable the whole night. I was unsure what to say "now" tho. He says "lets break the ice" or something like that and then kisses me.
2 days later we go out again and we have a good time and see a movie. We cuddled and held hands through the whole movie and he kissed me again at the end. We talked the whole next week on MSN and then a week later went out again. This time for another drive and we eneded up parking and fooling around some. But not gaing all the way. We also taked before and after this happened about lots of things. Conversation with him in person is very easy going.
This went of for a few weeks getting together about once a week and doing something then going for a drive and "parking". Both of us live at home so getting privacy to do anything at either one of our places just doesn't happen.
The sex is really great and I love being around him and he seems to like being around me. And he's a pretty good friend. The other night we were going to go to a movie and I was sick but decided to go anyways. I got almost to his place. Probably 10 minutes (driving) away when the car broke down. I called him to let him know and he said to call him back after I made arangements with the vehicle. In the end my father ended up coming to fix it but since it was about 6 when it broke down and about 9:30 before my dad would be there and I couldn't go back home (to far away) I called him back to tell him and he told me to take a bus and he'd meet me and we'd go to his place for a few hours. It was hot, sunny, and I had an ear infection and chest cold. By the time I got to the bus stop I was feeling rather sick and dizzy. We got to his place and he layed me down on the couch in his room. Grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around me and held me and we watched tv.
I started to fall asleep at one point and I kinda slid down some and he repositioned be so I was laying with my head in his lap and face turned towards him and he just rubbed my head and let me sleep a while. I woke up a bit later and he asked how I felt. I had a terrible caugh and he just rubbed my back under my shirt when I caughed and couldn't catch my breath. I don't know why but I think I feel for him right then and there.
No one has ever been that kind to me. Other then my other friend that I had from the summer and fall (who used to give me massages and stuff to help with my arthritis). A couple of times during that night while I was semi asleep he'd rub my head or the side of my face and kiss me lightly on my head and face. And he was so gentle and caring.
I just wonder if maybe he feels more... and is scared to say it. I've tried to let him know how I feel without saying the words just in case he doesn't agree. My other friend and I talked openly about it. And he kept telling me he had no feelings for me other then as a friend he cared a lot about. But this guy is different. And it's confusing me. I'm not sure what to do...

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Don't go down that road...a guy can be kind, sweet, compassionate, all those things, and STILL not want more than a FWB relationship.
You can ask him if you like but don't read ANYTHING into his behavior, given that he's TOLD you that he's only looking for FWB.
Actions might speak louder than words..but not always. When you don't like the words, you need to pay more attention to them than to actions.
If you are falling for him, you owe it to yourself to speak up and find out if he's changed his mind.
Sheri
Ok, before getting to the FWB and feelings part ... I'm confused about this: << I got almost to his place. Probably 10 minutes (driving) away when the car broke down >> and he << told me to take a bus and he'd meet me and we'd go to his place for a few hours. >>
He told you to take a bus!? Seriously, I'm stuck on that part. You were 10 minutes from his house, your car broke down, and couldn't come pick you up?
I'm sorry, no matter how NICE he was to you while you were sick, the reality is that he didn't have to take ANY intiative to offer you that "care" ... meanwhile, you're ill ... going to HIM (hon, you should have stayed home and taken care of yourself ... was seeing him while sick with an ear infection and chest cold THAT worth it?) ... he's not coming to you to take care of you or keep you company while you're feeling down ... given all of that ... broken down car and being sick ... the guy tells you to take a BUS!
(uh, sorry, I guess I don't get it ... he wasn't willing to get off his duff and come get you ... considering that you were on your way to HIS house to see HIM .... tells you take a bus ... I think he should'a been told to 'take a hike!')
Or, is that because he doesn't have a car or doesn't drive? In which case, he's 32 ... lives at home ... and no car? Hmmmmmm.
As for the FWB stuff ... I agree with Sheri.
Re: << The one last summer/fall is still a very close and dear friend who I saw today and who is trying in his own way to help cause he doesn't want to see me hurt again like I was with him. >>
Past precedent is a pretty good indicator of future results. If you were hurt by FWB before, you'll likely be hurt again, if lessons from the first time around aren't taken into consideration.
If you're looking for a relationship, a boyfriend ... it's up to you to not choose men who only want FWB ... it's up to you not offer that up in lieu of what you really want. Otherwise, you will be hurt again ... but, you'll really only have yourself to hold responsible for that if you don't see the signs and take things, and what a man says, at face value.
Good luck!
.... A BUS!!!!! (i'm still baffled by that ... 10 minutes away and he tells you to take a bus .... sheesh).
I'm with Sheri and starbuck on this, he's not being kind to you, and you're not looking for just a FWB.
A bus, seriously, and you were 10 minutes away.
Please don't take this wrong, but the other posters have nailed it. If you don't see anything wrong with a 32 year old living at home with Mom and Dad, you might need to reexamine your standards.
Exactly, WHY does he live at home? Is he in some way disabled? Is he recently divorced? Did he have a business venture fail? Is there some sort of reasonable explanation as to WHY he lives with his Mommy and Daddy or is it because he is unable to to be financially independant because he completely and utterly lacks ambition?
I mean I lived with my parents for a year after I graduated from college to help pay off my student loans, when I was your age; but, 32?!
Let's just say, he doesn't seem to be the knight in shining armor you seem to see him as.
All that aside, if you think this guy is a great catch and are falling for him, then screw up your courage and tell him so. Then do as Sheri suggested and listen to his words rather then examining his actions. If he tells you he just wants FWB, then take him at his word, and end it before you get hurt again. Because if you ignore his words, you'll have no one to blame when he hurts you accept yourself.
<< He doesn't drive (doesn't have a licence) and there was no one else home to drive him to get me. >> ... which is why I said in my first post << Or, is that because he doesn't have a car or doesn't drive? In which case, he's 32 ... lives at home ... and no car? Hmmmmmm. >>
So, ok ... I'll bite: why doesn't he drive? Let's see, a DUI? That's one reason why a grown man wouldn't have a license. Unless he has a disability, there's no reason why a 32-y/o guy shouldn't have a license. Even people I know who live in major metros like NYC or SF have driver's licenses (even if they don't have cars b/c of the cost of parking in the city). It doesn't COST much to have a driver's license, so what's his deal?
<< I think you guys got the wrong message there. He was being nice.>>
Nah, I really don't think we've got the wrong message there. I think that we MIGHT just have higher standards ... ie, 32-y/o, living at home with mom and dad, no car/license ... but, he works. Good for him on that one! Sorry, hon, for his age ... he doens't sound very responsible ... and if he doesn't have a DARN GOOD reason for being 32 and at home with the 'rents without a license ... well, I call it as I see it.
As for being nice, well ... you were there! What was he supposed to do, ignore you? I think you're giving him too much credit for this care and niceness ... you were at his house ... what's the alternative ... ignoring you? Of course he's going to be nice. But, he really didn't have to take ANY initiative.
Here's what would have been nice, considering that he doesn't drive and couldn't come get you: 1) instead of "take the bus" ... how about "stay put, I'm gonna take the bus to come meet you so you don't have to ride alone" ... or b) "don't worry about coming here, since you're stranded, I can come to you" ... and hang out and grab a bite to eat or something (that is, unless you were in the middle of nowhere)
Either one of those things would have shown some initiative ... since you were already taking the intiative to come see him ... take some initiative to meet you halfway (both literally and metaphorically) ... in light of being sick (and why were you going to see him considering you had a chest cold and ear infection ... did you REALLY need to see him while you were ill? Was it THAT worth it? ... hon, it's up to YOU to take care of you better ... why would you want to hang out with a guy while you're sick ... I don't get that, either)
Anyhoo, yes ... I'd agree with the others in that you might want to re-evaluate your standards. He doesn't sound like that great of a catch.
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