Friendships Changing b/c of Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Friendships Changing b/c of Boyfriend
14
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 8:40am

I have been with my BF for four months. Prior to meeting him I was single and dating casually for the past two years. Everything with my boyfriend is great but I'm writing because I've noticed many changes in my friendships since we started dating. It's really bothering me because I know that it's not an isolated incident - I believe that it's common, especially for girls, to experience problems with their friends once a guy comes into their life.

Suddenly my girl friends who have boyfriends are calling me more and asking to us on double dates. Unfortunately, also suddenly I have noticed that my clique of single friends whom I used to spend most weekend nights with (at bars, parties etc. looking to meet men) feel distant from me

The "singles" and I are still making the effort to get together for catch up nights and I've continued to go out with them once in awhile on the weekend to those same singles bars but obviously things have changed - they're still looking around for men and I'm bored out of my mind in those bars now. And when we get together for dinners etc. the conversation still revolves around their summaries of the last dates they went on or why men suck (a la Sex and the City) and I end up just sitting there silently, feeling as though stories about my loving relationship with my BF do not belong at the table.

I know that friendships are supposed to adapt and you could say that my singles friends are being immature or jealous. But in any event, the suddenness of change is upsetting. For the past two years I was one of the "singles" and I feel like in gaining my BF, I lost something from some of my friendships.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 8:53am

Well, you didn't mention anything specifically about your friends not wanting to hear your stories about how happy you and your boyfriend are. So if you haven't why don't you start sharing them and if you don't want to hang out at bars with them go out to dinner or lunch instead.

Just because you're happy now doesn't mean you can't still contribute to the man bashing a little or even stand up for the guys.

Hopefully, your friends aren't so shallow that a differring view point is a threat to them. Maybe you can give them advice on how you found a good guy. Maybe you can offer insight into the male point of view.

I'm about to get married adn I still hang out with all my single girlfriends and I positively gush at times about how happy I am and they just want to know how I did it. So I share my stories the good and bad from my past dating experiences and the good and bad from my realtionship with my fiance. I talk to them about how I grew and learned and finally found the right guy for me.

Sure some of it they ignore, but that's just because that wouldn't work for them or isn't right for them yet.

Give your friends a chance. They may not be as closed off to hearing your stories of dating bliss as yoou think. ANd remember you're still a girl. It's still okay to pick on the boys a litlte now and then no matter how happy you are, just look back to your last dating disaster.

And when they go on and on and on about their lastest dating high and lows congratulate them or commiserate with them. After all that's what friends are for, single or not. It's not as though you can't remember what is was like, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 9:59am
This is what gets me. People get into relationships and then it's as though they can't remember what it was like to be in those shoes. All of a sudden going out to a bar or club is boring. It's as though now that you're in a different "better" position the things you used to do are so past tense. It's as though you hung out with your friends only because you were in the search for something and now that you found it you move on. How is that right? Me and my girlfriends constantly discuss this issue. I have been on both sides of the fence and whatever side I am on I play fair. I have learned that youmay have a boyfriend now but he may be gone tomorrow and then what will you do b/c remember those bars are now boring. Unless they will stop being boring once you are single again. I feel taht you can still have good times with your single friends and sahre your stories. You can go on about your boyfriend or on about how your past relationships sucked! Also keep in mind that you say that your friends that are in relationships are now coming around...iss that right? It's as though now that you can relate to them they welcome you but you weren't welcomed when you were single. You are doing the same thing to your single friends. Well I hope you see things from another perspective. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 10:04am

Thanks for the advice. I definitely do commisserate with the single gals still and ask all the time about what's going on in their dating lives. In fact, the problem I think is that they still treat me as one of them.

Some of them certainly make the effort to ask me how things are with my BF, but others definitely don't. And sometimes I feel that their "guys suck" conversations are meant to exclude themselves from all the "happy relationship people" whom they hate (read: are jealous of).

I unfortunately think that for girls, an "us" (the singles) vs. "them (the girlfriends) mentality can arise. I was certainly guilty of it at times when I was still single. Yes it's immature and it's stupid but it's natural to be jealous of someone who has something that you can't seem to find for yourself. Dating can be a bitch so girls cling together for support. And when someone leaves the hell of dating for the happiness of a relationship, not every friend takes it so well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 10:10am

I think everyone is misunderstanding me (I find this happens a lot when I post on ivillage and it's def making me not want to return!) I don't at all feel better or different from my friends suddenly. I still go out with them all the time and I still ask them what's going on in their lives. They treat me just like they used to. But the fact is that things are different in my life now. I am happy to guy bash and listen to their dating stories (and I do it daily) but I'm not quite sure they're reciprocating and asking me about my BF and wanting to hear my happy stories. They want me to still be a part of their "we hate guys" club!

As for being bored in the singles scene, maybe you haven't been to a NYC club. It's loud and it's packed and people go out soley for the purpose of finding someone to bring home for the night. I found it pretty awful when I was single and now that I have a wonderful boyfriend to come home to (or see the next day), I have no interest in that. Frankly I think my single friends should have no interest in it either b/c there's a very slim chance of meeting a quality person in such an atmosphere.

I have continued to be a very good friend to all of my single friends over the past four months. But things are different now. I'm in a loving relationship. So I can't guy bash all day and I'm sad because I don't think my friends want to hear about how happy I am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 11:28am
I actually live in NYC and have been to the club scene being that I'm 26. You are right to feel that they are crowded and all that you feel because I feel like that as well. I agree with guy bashing is not that cool when you have a guy b/c you realize they are not all like that especially when we found that needle in the hay stack. Just remember what it was like to be single and if your friends are your friends they they will welcome your stories with open arms. I mean it shows that there is hope of finding a good man. I can relate b/c I felt that way too. I was like why go to these dive places when my man is home and I am madly in love BUT keep in mind that your friends are still in that mode and they're just waiting to reach your level of happiness. I apologize if you felt I was being hard on you...keep posting :D
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 12:03pm

I don't necessarily think anyone is misunderstanding you, just realize that *maybe* you are behaving differently and therefore it's possible that is why you feel your single friends are acting differently. I'm not saying that's the case but you keep referring to your single days as if they were terrible and how you feel so much differently because you've been dating someone for 4 months so realize it might be a possibility...

When you go out with your friends are you one of the girls or are you the girl that talks about her boyfriend all the time? Again, I'm not saying you are but just be honest with yourself. Sometimes there is a fine line between being happy and making your friends feel like they're missing out because they're not as happy as you are (sort of like the "smug marrieds" from Bridget Jones). I've had friends who start dating someone and while they still hung out with the girls they just kept talking "we" and it was like they were making it a point (although I don't think intentionally) to emphasize just how different things were now because they had someone. Or they would call their boyfriend throughout the evening or make going home to their man a priority instead of spending quality time with their friends and making their friends a priority. Of course it's entirely possible your friends are cynical or jealous but I think more often than not it's both parties adding to an issue so I'm just saying, be honest with yourself and make sure you aren't doing things to add to the single vs. involved gap.

There are times, especially if someone is going through a break-up where we tend to be a little bit cynical of the guys and commeserate with each other but most of the time when I'm out with my friends we just have fun and cut up, even when I've been involved with someone seriously I still went out with them and hung out until all hours of the night and I will never give that up, there are times when I just want to be with the girls.

So, just be honest with yourself and think about the time you do spend with your single friends..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 12:48pm

Thanks for the post. As I have said in my earlier posts, my problem is that I feel that I cannot talk about my BF or how happy I am when I am with certain single friends. So I'm 100% definitely not one of those girls who talks about her boyfriend non-stop and makes her single friends feel like they're missing out. The gist of my problem is the opposite -I am holding back in telling them how happy I am for fear that they don't want to hear it!!

They still want me to engage them in the "boys suck" conversations and I do b/c it's fun and I was single very recently so I know what it's like. But I would like some reciprocation. My BF told me he loved me about a month ago and a couple of my single friends still don't even know this happened b/c I haven't felt comfortable enough to tell them. And last night I went out to dinner with a single friend. We were out for a good two hours and I heard plenty of stories about some prospects she has for a date and where she thinks a cool party will be this weekend but never once did she ask me how my BF is doing!!

In any event, I'm surprised that no one has agreed with me yet in believing that friendships with single friends may certainly change when a guy comes into the picture. It seems so common to me. Even my BF has gotten slack from some of his guy friends when he occasionally misses a night in a bar to instead have dinner and drinks with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 12:57pm
just to give you the full picture, i should mention that my BF is from NY too but goes to med school in philly so we're long distance. we go all week without seeing each other and i spend most every monday-thursday catching up with friends. the weekend comes and if he's here, we might spend a full night together or we each go out with our separate groups of friends but eventually meet up. so i'm SURE i'm acting differently in my single girls friends' eyes - on the weekend nights i'm not always around and sometimes i bring my BF out with us. but this is the best i can do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 2:12pm
You shouldn't feel that you can't tell your friends about your relationship. If they're not holding back then you shouldn't either. Once of my friends lives in LI and her fiance now lives in NJ and she is ALWAYS in NJ and when shes not she wants to stay low key and bring him. Everyone else is like okay what's this? You on the other hand seems to be trying to spread your time so I don't think your friends will be complaining about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 7:07pm

I completely understand. I basically went through the same thing. when i left school i was basically only left with 3 good friends. we were all single, flirtatious and always had fun just talking about guys. Now, I have been with my love for 3 years steadily and things have completely changed, especially my mentality. mainly bc of the fact that they still have the same mentality, i felt i didnt fit in anymore im not that single,loud, flirtatious girl i used to be, and i find it very disrespectful to be hanging around a bunch of guys w/o my bf or making comments about if a guy is hot so i dont join in on their type of fun anymore. im extremely respectful when it comes to my bf. "i dont do what i dont want done to me". it seems i have become more serious and not fun to be around, now i basically have no friends also due to my jealousy its hard for me to trust women so i felt good at times w/o them in my life.

I hang around with him and his guy friends and its great i dont have to go thru competition, jealousy or all that nonsense, but its nice to have a girl to talk to and just relate too regardless of how much my bf is my bestfriend. To be honest, i find my friends ridiculous, immature and they make extremely bad choices when it comes to guys they just never want to listen to my advice, its like im always lecturing them about how to gain respect, faithfulness, etc, I feel i grew up and they didnt. I literally threw one of my friends out of my life mainly bc she was too concieted, thought every guy would fall in love with her and had a dream about my bf, i no longer trusted her and disliked her personality, its funny but she was the same way when i was single i didnt care, but now being with my love i didnt want her to even assume anything towards him. since your situation is different than mine maybe you should talk to them and try not overanalyze things. i tried to have girlfriends but they all did something i didnt like its not easy for me to trust, but if you have trustworthy friends try your best to keep them in your life, and go ahead talk about your life with your man who cares if one of them is being rude about it, luckily me and my bf agree on how a relationship should be and were bestfriend so i dont go through what the majority of other couples go thru (the whole u hang out with your girls i'll hang out with my guys thing) we hang out together unless i dont want to, but i still feel lonely at times so its not a 100% wonderful feeling no matter how good a relationship is, i say stick by them regardless of how things changed unless they are disrespectful or something.. wish you the best, good luck..

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