Friendships Changing b/c of Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Friendships Changing b/c of Boyfriend
14
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 8:40am

I have been with my BF for four months. Prior to meeting him I was single and dating casually for the past two years. Everything with my boyfriend is great but I'm writing because I've noticed many changes in my friendships since we started dating. It's really bothering me because I know that it's not an isolated incident - I believe that it's common, especially for girls, to experience problems with their friends once a guy comes into their life.

Suddenly my girl friends who have boyfriends are calling me more and asking to us on double dates. Unfortunately, also suddenly I have noticed that my clique of single friends whom I used to spend most weekend nights with (at bars, parties etc. looking to meet men) feel distant from me

The "singles" and I are still making the effort to get together for catch up nights and I've continued to go out with them once in awhile on the weekend to those same singles bars but obviously things have changed - they're still looking around for men and I'm bored out of my mind in those bars now. And when we get together for dinners etc. the conversation still revolves around their summaries of the last dates they went on or why men suck (a la Sex and the City) and I end up just sitting there silently, feeling as though stories about my loving relationship with my BF do not belong at the table.

I know that friendships are supposed to adapt and you could say that my singles friends are being immature or jealous. But in any event, the suddenness of change is upsetting. For the past two years I was one of the "singles" and I feel like in gaining my BF, I lost something from some of my friendships.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 7:33pm

That's the second time you've called your single friends "immature" for their views on dating and men. And that's two times too many. People go through many different stages in their life and oftentimes it is easier to bond with people who are in the same stage as you. It takes an extra effort (a very worthwhile effort, in my opinion) to stay friends who are doing something different than you are. There is nothing "immature" in your single friends talking about being single -- no more so than it is "immature" for a girlfriend to discuss having a boyfriend.

From what you've written, they treat you the same. *You* treat them different. And perhaps that's the real problem...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 7:36pm

Why do you have to be prodded to tell them how happy you are? If you want to share about your happiness, you should share. If they are your friends, they will be happy to hear your stories. But you shouldn't feel like you can only discuss your boyfriend when someone asks. You should feel free to speak up and contribute to the conversation with what you have to offer.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 1:07am
i totally hear you. this is what i've observed. friendships that are based solely on talking about guys guys guys - they tend not to last. those friends are really just glorified wingmen (wingwomen?) who hang out together because it is mutually beneficial to do so. the friendships where you talk about your jobs, interests, politics, and just generally everything that's going on in life (whether that means guys guys guys or not) - those are much more likely to last. of course, they are also much harder to come by.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:37am

You know, this thread made me really think hard about my friends, single, married, w/kids, etc. And I have been sitting here and thinking and thinking and evaluating my friend's, friends. And thinking.

And here's my two cents. I DO think that women do change. But it's not them, it's you. We have some major groups of friends (I don't, but most women I know, do). The groups go like this....

Single friends: the ones you hang out with, go to clubs, go bar hopping, party, male bash with and ignore or make fun of all the involved women in your life. And how you can't STAND to be around them, cuz they make you SOO sick with their MUSH.

Single GOOD friends: these are the ones that listen to you male bash, hell, they'll help sometimes. They'll hang out with you, but not normally at bars. You'll go to coffee houses, dinner, lunch, shopping, etc. Anything BUT bars. Okay, maybe a club or bar once in awhile, but not every weekend. Either way, they're there for you, to hear the male bashing, and to hear you gushing about your new guy.

Involved friends: These are more happy with the man than without. They'd rather double date, than hang out with you alone. They'd rather now talk to you, because now you BOTH can brag about your SO's or gush about them all day long. Instead of male bashing, you go out as foursomes, and everyone enjoys each others time. And when alone with the other woman, you talk about how great your men are.

Involved GOOD friends: These will listen to you male bash, even tell you a story or two about how their SO can be irritating too. They will give you hope, if you're single, and talk about how it's good and how it can be better, if you're not. They're here for ya, either way, to go out to a bar once in awhile, or just catch a movie. They don't care if you're single or involved. They're your friend.

So, after all that thinking, I've come to realize, you have SINGLE friends and INVOLVED friends, but not too many GOOD friends in either catagory. Your clubbing friends, were just ppl to distract you from being single, and to hate every man. And now you are calling them immature (that was you 4 months ago), jealous (that was you 4 months ago), and basically saying they've changed (when in fact, you've stated you've changed over and over again). People don't change because they have a bf or not. And your friends shouldn't either. So go take a good look at yourself. Why do you feel you're better than these other woman all of a sudden? does having a bf, or being in a r'ship make you better somehow?

Personally, if I were you, I'd evaluate my friendships. I'd start picking out the ones that are there for me, when I'm single and when I'm not. Like I said, above, I don't have separate groups, that I hang out with while single or not. ALL my friends, listen to me male bash, listen to me gush. THEY ALL are there for me, whether I'm single or not, or if they are. We still do the same things, yes, we may involve our SO's, but for the most part, we do our own thing. We go shopping, watch movies, play mini golf, go to a concert, bar, whatevers....with or without men. And we continue to do it, even if our status has changed. To me, THOSE are friends. ALl the others, are just women to keep me busy while I'm "bored".

Good luck. I don't think it's just them. You've stated you've changed too. Friendships don't "adapt" to a new person in your life. They shouldn't have to. And if your friends need to "adapt" then ask yourself, in which group do they belong? Are they just "friends" or are they "good friends"?

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