getting back with ex - can it work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
getting back with ex - can it work?
3
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 10:07pm
my ex and i were together for two and a half years. we started dating at 25 and the first year and a half were amazing. we traveled together, laughed together, and were completely in love. then issues concerning our future started to surface where i would ask him where the relationship was going and he could never talk about it. it was always "i don't know what i want in the future...i don't know if i ever want to get married...let's just take things day by day..." eventually after two years we broke up because he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and wanted his space to figure things out. that only lasted for five weeks b/c he came back and was like, i love you and you love me so let's just be together and see what happens. i happily went right back to him b/c i was so miserable without him, even though nothing had really changed in regards to being able to discuss where we were going as a couple. after seven months back together the fights increased because i was unhappy with his lack of commitment. he was always honest with his feelings and didn't make empty promises about our future. in every other way he was a great boyfriend...loving, affectionate, and loyal. but our relationship had no direction and he finally broke it off saying that he had to be on his own, that he couldn't lead me on not knowing what he wanted with his future, not sure if he could ever see himself commiting to marriage with someone. he wanted to focus on himself and his career and said he was being completely selfish. ten months went by with very limited contact, just an occasional holiday email. i tried to move on and date a little but i've never gotten over him and am still in love with him. two weeks ago he called and wanted to take me out to dinner. neither of us could eat, we were so nervous seeing each other. he told me that he's realized in this time on his own that every dream he has of his future involves me. he said that he thought working hard and being successful was the most important thing, but that coming home every night and being alone he realized that nothing in his life was special without me. now he talks about wanting to marry me and spend his life with me and talks about all the things regarding our future he could never discuss before...living together, children, marriage...he said it doesn't scare him anymore b/c he's realized that his life is empty without me. i'm so excited to hear all these things from him that i've always wanted, but also scared that he could change his mind again. is it possible for someone to change after only ten months?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 1:55am

I believe that it is possible to change. You could give it another shot, on the proviso that he makes a commitment to you. And I'm talking discussing timeframes and what you envisage your lives together to be like.

My only concern is that even though me might be ready to commit now, does his lack of communication rear it's head with other issues that you may encounter from time to time?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 12:28pm

I like the previous posters bit about making a timeline of sorts. I would go with that, and take it one day at a time. YOU need to not get caught up in the whirlwind of his words, and instead watch his actions in regards to a commitment. It can work, but he has to have really changed, versus him just "being lonely the past 10 months" and that's what he misses, is your body/company.

I would also suggest pre-marital counseling, to help you two to communicate and understand why he wasn't willing and why he is now. And yes, I"d start that now. In my own r'ship, I kept saying, "when we get engaged, we'll do pre-marital". well, it's been 3 years, and we should've really been in therapy over a year ago...to fix the issues we've had, versus letting them go on this long.

It can happen. Some men (and women) just need time to figure out what they want. Maybe he realizes it's YOU he wants, and now that he KNOWS that for a fact, he's not scared anymore. Maybe before, he wasn't sure, because you two were so young. Who knows. THAT is what you need to understand and accept.

If I was you, I'd go for it, but I'd take it slow. I'd ask him to go to couples counseling, talk about a timeline, about how it can be flexible, but it needs to have REALLY GOOD REASONS for postponements, I would also grab the book, "The Hard Questions" I believe the author is Sherry Argov. It truly asks the hard questions that "happy in love couples" really don't want to face, prior to marriage, because it'll kill the buzz. y'know. Start slowly, seek counseling, be PROACTIVE in making sure you two are doing the right thing and that you are compatible. Love doesn't conquer all, and just cuz he SAYS he's made up his mind, doesn't mean he can FOLLOW THROUGH with it. His actions will speak louder than his words.

I'd make some boundaries (metnally to yourself), set some ultimatums, guidelines, and let this be the LAST time you two "get back together" because if he can't make a commitment this time, he never will, and he'll continue to string you along.

Hugs. It can work, but it will TAKE WORK. Be proactive. Make sure he's willing to do all the work to make sure your r'ship will last and be strong. And make sure you both have the skills to make it work.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 4:09pm
I don't think that he really has changed. You said that he was a wonderful BF before and it sounds like he still is. He cared about you enough to leave and find out what it was he truely needed in his life, and now he seems to know. It is a life with you. A lot can happen in a person's life in 10 months. He has had a dose of reality and that is usually all it takes for a person to come down off their selfish ride and settle down. It is your relationship with him that is changing--not his personality. Now he is willing to move it into the direction you always wanted. Be happy for his new awareness and be happy in your new life together. Appreciate the thought he has put into things, because he sounds like he has returned to you knowing what he really wants. Had he stayed before on your terms he may still be with you, but always wondering "what if?" Remember the old saying "If you love something, set it free. If it returns it is yours. If it doesn't it never was." ? That fits your situation perfectly. Congratulations and good luck to you both!