g/f or FWB...opinions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
g/f or FWB...opinions?
7
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 9:45pm

I'm new here and I was just reading the BC/FWB post and wondering if what I thought was a realtionship was really FWB. The guy I thought was my bf stopped calling me about a month ago. I met him during my 1st senior year at college. We had a class together and became friends. Eventually we started hanging in groups. He would give me little clues that he was interested. One night we were talking about about my roommate I couldn't stand and how I got stuck with the supersmall room and was lucky my bed could fit in it. He would make different comments about my bed and I jokingly said something to the effect of you just like thinking about my bed and he replied I think about you more then just for that. He started making other moves like grabbing my leg while we were just hanging out. One night we were hanging out and we realized we liked eachother as more then friends he called me his gf and that was that. I had been denying that I had feelings for him because he was transferring at the semster break and didn't want to start a long distance relationship. After that night we started messing around some (everything but intercourse).

After he moved (about 3 hours away) we talked and emailed all the time. I went down to see him a few times. We hung out some of the times and messed around the others. We still talked all the time and he would send me little suggestive emails. About 8 months later we were IMing one night and I was joking with him that he better not be looking for any other girls. He IMed back that he "wasn't looking for a relationship right now" that "between school and work he didn't have the time" I thought that was a little odd, but really didn't think much of it. We continued to talk and email although not a frequent. I was doing my internship and he was taking a full load of classes. He emailed me to let me know his grandfather passed away and to vent about classes. Things were still kind of suggestive. When we talked he would talk about having kids and getting married. We made plans several times to meet, but they always fell through. We didn't get to see eachother during my internship (free labor I was working 6 days without pay and I couldn't afford to drive 4 hours to see him for 1 day and he was working to pay for school so he didn't get much of a break). I talked to him about a 1 1/2 months ago and we were talking and he told me to hang on that he was putting his pajamas on (I used to tease him all the time and would tell him that). When he came back he was like you know when you are finally in bed with me everynight I won't have to wear pajamas. I was like what. He was like when I have someone - You in bed with me everynight I won't have to wear pajamas. I was like what a third time and he started to repeat himself and was like you heard me...We hung up shortly after that because he had an early class. We talked like the next week for a little while and everything was fine we talked about our lives and a little suggestive things. After that he stopped calling and emailing. I emailed him a few times without response and called and left a few messages and he never answered. I heard through friends that he may have a g/f. Could we have only been FWB or a g/f that was suddenly dropped?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:06am
Dear girl, you were in a FWB deal with this guy. You both never had the serious talk about dating. You just hung out and fooled around. The suggestive messages and such were just a way to get you interested. He did say "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" when you said "you better not be looking for more girls"..In this instance you asked for more than he was willing to give you, so his way out is to disappear and not call/e-mail you. There was no verbal agreement between you two OR any responsabilities. There were no strings attached. It is possible that he's out to look for another girl who wants to hang out and fool around without the committment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 9:46pm
I believe that we were FWB even though he did call me his gf. What I don't understand is why he didn't just say so. It's not like he was even getting any. We never had intercourse, just did a few other things. Early on he told me that he wanted to have sex with me, but he didn't want to ruin both our futures (with a baby before we graduated college) so we would "let the future take care of itself and not rush anything." I don't know maybe he had another girl on the side. Why he kept asking to meet my parents and calling me and emailing me to discuss his life with me I don't know. I also don't get why he told me all about his past gf and how she broke his heart (maybe sympathy). If that's all men want why don't they just say so. It would be a whole lot easier to know that we were never really friends...My question is if nothing is said than how do you know if a guy is really interested or just wants booty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 1:18am

Well dear girl, to avoid these misunderstanding the best is to ask "what's our status here?....dating seriously and exclusively, casual dating, FWB, friends". Men know that if they come straight up and tell the girl, who is interested in them, that they are only interested in sex and hanging out, she most likely will kick their butts and move on to a guy who wants somethig serious. However, there are girls who are happy with this arraingment and it works for them.

Your guy called you his GF and he called you and confided in you because he needed some company and an ear to listent to him. You acted like a couple, but you were never one, as it was never stated in the open. The sex, whatever you did, was something intimate; something that you wouldn't do with just a friend; something two consenting adults did without responsability to each other; they enjoyed the moment and that's it. That's why you were in a FWB deal. These kind of relationships don't carry strings attached so it's "jump at your own risk" if one of the partners is not aware of it (in this case you). He knew all along what he wanted, he pursued it, he told you he wanted to have sex with you...perhaps he never said he wanted to date you before he asked you. It's possible that he didn't want to ruin the hanging and the fooling around by telling you that he was looking for something casual. He didn't want soemthign serious and if you were to get preganant he didn't want any part in it. You entered the deal and it was, hanging and fooling around.

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 2:27pm

It sounds more like you were a GF that got dumped. The timing just wasn't right. Things were OK when you were together, but once separated he realized how close he'd gotten to you and it scared him. Another 'just not ready for primetime' guy.

How can you tell g/f from fwb? It's difficult because not everyone is honest in their motives or intent. If you want to be a g/f look for guys who seem more settled. Avoid party animals. Look for respect and honesty. Set some ground rules for what you're looking for in a guy, and stay true to what you want.

I have never been a FWB because I could size up the situation pretty quickly and got rid of a guy if I thought he was a waste of time. All of my relationships have been long-term and serious because of my choice of men. I think most women have that sixth sense of knowing where a man is going with a relationship, but many women don't pay attention to it. Then when they get used they cry foul. A little common sense would have saved them a lot of hurt.

In your case though, I think this guy cared about you, he just wasn't as ready to commit as he thought he was. When he replayed the situation over in his mind I think it scared him because he realized how close he was to setting himself up for a full-blown serious relationship. I don't think you were a deliberate fwb, I think it was just more of a case of things getting a little closer than he was ready for.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 11:26pm
To me the whole thing seemed real until the end. He would call me all the time. Wanted to meet my parents. We talked about what we wanted in life. Getting married, how many kids we wanted, etc (he was often the one to start the conversations). The whole thing lasted about 15 months and most of it wasn't said until about 8-10 months he started saying things that implied he might want more. We were always open and honest about any subject. Only one time did he say something that made me question him. When I joked about his "dating" other females and he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.
Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 9:11am

This should have been a red flag. Despite anything else he said to you, when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship you should have stopped right thenand had the "where are we going with this?" discussion. Instead you assumed too much. It's probable that you didn't say anything because you were afraid of messing up what you were creating in your imagination. You and he had two different realities.

I think everyone has been in similar situations. You want something so bad that you begin to invent it. In your case, this guy just wasn't on the same page with you. And this may not be all your fault. He may have led you on, having you believe there was more there than there actually was, then when he realized how far his game had gone he ducked out. It's not unusual for men to do this, and it's not unusual for women to get caught up in it. He may very well have liked you a lot, but he wasn't ready for a commitment; and he wasn't going to screw up a good thing by making that clear to you. He just let you go on believing he was as serious about things as you were.

I don't think you did anything wrong here except trust someone whom you thought felt the same way you did. Let it go and move on. You deserve better and you deserve someone mature enough to give you straight answers about how they feel about you and where things are going. HUGS

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:52am

From a guys perspective, I think all you girls need to understnad that although there are a lot of jerks and losers out there just looking for some T&A, many guys aren't doing it with quite the premeditated thought that you are giving us credit for. Yes some guys are like that. They sit at a bar/club/party and say, "who can I have a one night stand with". Other guys say that too, but they are willing to a relationship if they find the right girl. Most guys aren't dirtbags just looking for sex. Yes, all guys want sex, but not all just want sex alone. There a thousands of guys in real relationships that love their woman tremendously everyday.

This guy sounded like a confused little boy. It's unfortunate that he was just that... a boy, not a man. He isn't even sure of what he wants. He sounds like he's making the transition from boy to man, but he's not ready for something too serious yet. He's a nice guy, he wants to feel close to someone and have a girlfriend, but he wasn't sure if he was ready for a commitment. He did look at you intentionally and say, "Oh she's gonna be my FWB on the side." He really did like you, but he just didn't get around to loving you... or respecting you, which is what really differentiates the boys from the men. He Had true intentions on "seeing where this goes", and "finding out if you were right for him". But then he moved away, and you two couldn't get together, and when a relationship is strained like that for a long enough period of time, it snaps. He wasn't sure where if you were "the one" yet either (or if he was even ready for "the one"). He did want to meet your parents and explore g/f status with you. That part was legit. Once he moved away he stopped seeing you, and guys being visually and physically oriented, you faded from his mind enough to allow another girl into his life. Plus I agree with everyone else that when he said he wasn't looking for a g/f you should've stood up to him and questioned that. You didn't and he took that as a confirmation that you agreed. But at that time it was too late anyway. He had already moved away and you two had already grown apart. I don't know how any long distance relationships work. Sorry hon, look for a guy who is willling to be exclusive with you, and that can openly talk about you being exclusive. You deserve no less.

-Midwestflyguy