Girl online wants to meet my fiance,help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Girl online wants to meet my fiance,help
9
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 1:36pm

Posted this on some other Ivillage boards as well to get more respones.

My fiance and I have been together 7 years, engaged for 4 of them. We both like online games, The EverQuest type of games. There is a game coming out in about 6 months he reads a board about a lot called Vangaurd.

Ok, So last week he gets this message from some girl that lives sorta near us. Saying she just came to NY for school and is single and looking to meet people. They message back and forth, general talk. Then they talk on Icq, and she ask to meet him.(he told me they talked and what they talked about)

He said he would ask me, so he did. I said I was not comfortable with that as she told him she was single and looking for guys to meet. They also do not have anything in common besides this game that is not even out yet. He said he would not want to meet her without me for sure and would really only want to meet her as a friend, since well he has me.

So today I go and look at his account on the board, I have his password and he has all mine and I see she sent him a message saying well I guess you didn't want to meet me, to bad you would have gotten more than you expected? What does that mean?!
He replied back it was nice talking and says "Please don't think I had something against hanging out with ya though, that wasn't the case"

I am not sure I understand what is going on here. From what he has told me they have nothing in common but an intrest in this game that is not even out yet. Why would he want to meet her or was he just saying that to be nice knowing that he never will meet her and didn't want to be mean?

She sent a reply back he has not seen yet as he as at work saying that if you met something great could have happened and maybe you did not want to meet me because you might like me better than your fiance and that after being together 7 years and not being married something must be wrong. (we just graduated college together and are planning on getting married and moving out very soon)

I am not sure what to make of all this. So was my fiance just being nice? I just don't see why he would want to meet her at all. And why the part about,"Please don't think I had something against hanging out with ya though, that wasn't the case" What is the case? I know he won't cheat on me but why meet someone that has nothing in common with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 2:05pm
I think your fiance was being friendly and may not have had a problem meeting her but you did. Though they have nothing in common doesn't mean meeting in person you can't find out more because they may. It seems you guy sensed something wasn't right with her wanting to meet but still trying to be nice on the board. It is no big deal just move on from it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 2:17pm
Yeah you're right, thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 2:36pm

Marie is right. I really think your fiance is just trying to be nice. And, frankly, I wouldn't want her near my guy either.

I don't care how secure you are it is never fun to have some girl chasing after the guy your with. It brings out the old territorial instincts predatory instincts and stresses you out.

Men just don't see these girls that flirt with married and otherwise spoken for guys as the um , we do. For some reason their judgement is completely clouded by the euphoria of being found attractive to a woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 2:42pm
Yeah, the thing is she was not really flirting with him at all, it was just normal what do you like to do and I like to do this type talk. Only today did she send him a message about how if she wanted to meet friends she would meet girls too and how since we have been together for so long and not married there must be something wrong. I guess we were supposed to get married when I was 14 or so lol! Geez I am only 21!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 4:08pm

If she wasn't flirting with him what DO you think she meant by "she sent him a message saying well I guess you didn't want to meet me, to bad you would have gotten more than you expected? What does that mean?!"

Trust your instincts. It means exactly what you think it means.

It's a thinly veiled attempt to entice him into betraying your trust and meeting her anyway. Lucky for you your relationship is built on trust and respect and your fiance didn't go for it. Don't let him convince you she's harmless, she isn't.

Listen to your instincts and follow them, just like you did. If you get a bad feeling about her, there's probably a reason for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 4:19pm

Oh yes, I meant up until that comment she was not flirting! I talked to my fiance on the phone while he was on his lunch at work, I told him about the message and he was pretty shocked at what she said. He said all the talk before that was just general stuff, and she was even asking how we had stayed together for so long and what we did to have a good relationship. I know before that comment it was all the innocent I like animals and I love fantasy stuff and such talk like that.

I know now she is not innocent, so does he. He said she is going to her birth state for the summer so he hopes he will just stop messaging her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 12:28am
Depending upon how much self-control your bf has, this , (personally I would use *skank*), may present a problem. She is a threat IF he continues to IM or e-mail her. In light of what she wrote, I would insist that he no longer engage in communication with her of ANY kind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 7:19pm
I think your fiance should block her IM's. She sounds flaky.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:32am

Judging by your post, I think I have at least ten years on you...Men are tricky business from what I've experienced and though I'd never advise you not to give him the benefit of the doubt...I have to tell you that amongst my friends and myself we've learned that if you suspect something is up...then something usually IS. He may just be insecure and suffering from a very commen male trait of keeping something "on the back burner".
I think your guy needs to be honest with you. Any questions you have SHOULD be answered by him upon your asking...and if they aren't answered...then he probably isn't being honest with himself anyway. Women's intuition is a powerful thing. Listen to yours and I hope your guy is worth sticking it out for...but, I'd say if your gut is telling you something else...like, he's not worth sticking it out for...CUT BAIT! My friends and I have learned that the most important person you have to answer to is YOU. So go with your instincts...we have also seen many women igonre their gut and they're in relationships with men who lie to themselves and to their girlfriends/wives and that's no way to live. I hope he deserves you!

Good luck sweetie!