Give It To Me Straight Ladies...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Give It To Me Straight Ladies...
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 10:16am

Ladies... My ex is back! Well actually, i initiated contact with him a few months ago after nearly 2 yrs of not speaking. I never truely let him go and I always knew in the back of my mind that we'd speak again. But I didn't expect for it to go anywhere. Since we began speaking again, he's been gradually contacting me more. The reason I initially broke up with him is because I caught him online on a dating site a month after we became official. Although he admitted later that he never physically cheated on me, I don't like the dishonesty part. Anyway, I just started talking to a new guy about a month ago and I like him so far. My ex is unaware of this. Now where it gets tricky is that my ex is honestly the best relationship that I've ever had (other than the online incident). I have even found myself comparing guys to him while dating. We were so perfect together and had it not been for what he did, we would probably still be together. He is now admitting he was wrong and dumb for what he did and that he's sorry and he would like to keep talking to me and see where it goes. He said that he wants a relationship with me again and will keep trying. After we broke up he relocated to another state to jump start his career and with the long distance, i feel that even if I gave him another shot I don't know if I could have a LDR with someone I can't trust. But he told me today that he only plans to stay where he is for about a year or so longer and then he wants to move back here. He said until then, he wants to travel back and forth often to see me and his parents and he's coming down actually starting sept. He really wants to do everything in his power to win me back and It's hard because this man still has a little piece of my heart... The same heart he broke. My bff had given me her opinion and stated that maybe i should give him another shot since he seems really remorseful, didn;t actually physically cheat, and is genuinally a good guy. But she had her reservations when it came to the long distance and my trust issues with him. Now that he has since said he plans on eventually moving back, that changes things. So my question is, should I let him prove himself overtime and give him another chance or just focus on the new guy? If I should give him another shot, should we consider getting counseling to help ensure this doesn't happen again? Thanks!

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 3:06pm

A word comes to mind when I read your post: Layaway.

You know, when you want something but you don't have the money to pay for it right away, you put it on layaway.

Your EX is trying to put you on layaway. Which means, you're supposed to wait for him until he's ready to pick up your relationship.

Horse hockey.

You know, there was a reason he was on dating sites even when your relationship was "going good" there 2 years ago. He wasn't content, or whatever reason he gave you for the wandering eye. He wasn't committed and he was willing to risk a breakup to "look." 

Shame on him.

Shame on you if you're going to wait for him to grow up and act like a man now 2 years later.

Of course, it's tempting. You have a history together. At this point you're going to remember the "good stuff" over the recent negatives. You want to give him a chance because you want to be willing to see if he'll keep his word this time.

But wait another 12-16 months until he's ready to be in the same geographic area as you? Wait for what?

Get on with your life. Thank  your lucky stars you saw him for who he was 2 years ago. He needs you for "safe harbor" just in case whoever he's seeing back where he's living doesn't come back. Hence, the "year" wait. 

Phooey on that!

Date the fellow you now like. Tell the EX he's free to do what he's got to do. Just don't count on you being available for him like you're on  layaway. If you do, I think you'll discover he's not as committed as he's making himself out to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 6:52pm

I don't know.  I think I might give him a chance but I would tell him that you aren't ready to make it an exclusive relationship until he is back living where you are.  Then you keep dating the new guy and whoever else.  If you're not exclusive then you also don't have to worry about what he is doing when he's not with you.  Let him woo you & see how you feel about him.  You aren't even back with him so it's really too soon to be making any decisions about your future.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Wed, 08-28-2013 - 11:40pm

I think the man who still has himself out there when you're supposed to be exclusive shows he's not sure about you. I don't know why he had to rush. Was it he or you who proposed to be exclusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 9:36am

You say you contacted your ex a few months ago, yet you’ve connected with some other guy on a dating site and you like him.  Sheesh.  You have some dishonesty issues yourself.  Counseling doesn’t “ensure” anything.