Is This Going Anywhere?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Is This Going Anywhere?
16
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 11:33pm

I've been dating this guy since January and I worry that we aren't making any progress. I know some women complain that the guys just want sex, and I've been in relationships like that, but here the problem is that he doesn't seem to be all that excited by me.

It took him four or five dates before he gave me a good night kiss. He has yet to hold my hand at the movies (or anywhere else). We will often hug in greeting, and he will sometimes touch the small of my back or my elbow to guide me when we are walking together, but it is all very proper.

When we first met, he told me he thought I was pretty, but he hasn't said it in months. He praised the necklace I was wearing the other day, he said nothing about the low-cut blouse or the bust that the necklace and the blouse were supposed to call attention to.

We go out almost every weekend, but only one night (usually Friday or Saturday). We e-mail during the week, and he phones, usually on Wednesday to plan where we will go on the weekend. Each date he asks me about next weekend and then tells me he will call "during the week" to make plans.

I'm not used to this. Every man I've dated in the past has either let the connection end after four or five dates (unless we ended it first) or gotten more and more interested, wanted to see me more often, etc. Three months with nothing major changing is strange to me.

When we are together we have a great time. He is good company, we click. I find him attractive, but I don't want to throw myself at him, so I let him set the pace. Now I can't tell if he is shy/inhibited or if he just isn't attracted. But why is he dating me if he isn't?

We are both lapsed Catholics and we have joked about the inhibitions of our backgrounds. Early on he said something about wanting to go slow with me because he could tell I was a woman who deserved respect. That sounded good then, now I wonder if it was just an excuse because he isn't interested.

I keep coming back to why is he dating me (instead of doing the "let's be friends") if he isn't interested. I don't think he's gay. I've some gay friends, and I think I could tell. I don't think he is in another relationship or still married. Wouldn't the whole point of it be to "cheat"? I may be good company, but who sets up a regular dating and e-mailing connection without wanting sex or something else? (If he is gay and using me as a cover, wouldn't he want to introduce me to people? He doesn't avoid meeting people he knows, but he doesn't go out of his way to take me to work functions and so on.) Is this making any sense to anyone?

One day (three weeks ago, I think) he was kissing me goodnight and instead of the usual peck on the lips he actually got into it, and even put his tongue inside my mouth. I didn't french him back because he caught me by surprise and it was very, very quick. The last couple of times, I haven't had a chance to do more than peck him on the lips in return. What happened?

One part of me thinks that he is just shy and I should encourage him. Another part of me thinks that he just isn't all that interested, and that he would think less of me if I encouraged him (the old Catholic upbringing about "fast" women and the double-standard).

We are both divorced, both in our 50s with grown kids and grandkids (his). I feel that it is adolescent of me to wonder if he is ever going to do more than kiss me. It's not just the sex (or lack of it). I want to know where we stand. (I don't know how to ask him straight out without sounding like I'm making a demand.)

Sorry that this is so long.

Any clues?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 8:26am
By trying to french kiss you he was trying to get closer to you. He even said he wants to go slowly with you. I don't understand why there is ANY confusion about him, he's acting exactly according to what he told you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 9:49am

Misgiggle,


Welcome to the board! It sounds to me like he is being a gentleman, which is rare these days. What is it that is bothering you exactly? I think the moment when he tried to french kiss you and you got surprised that he may have took it as you weren't into it. He may be trying to feel you out right now, to see how you feel about him.


Does it really bother you that he hasn't initiated sex by now? Is that what you want? If he says he wants to take it slow, then I can't really see what the confusion is. Maybe you need to discuss your expectations with him. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 1:12pm

What confuses me is that he doesn't seem to want to see me or get in touch with me more often. I don't see this as "taking it slow," I see it as not being interested. If he were doing this and also pushing for sex, I would understand that he just wants a FWB.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 1:26pm

If you really want to know, then tell him you'd like to start spending more time together and ask him if he sees that happening.

At this point you should, first and foremost, evaluate what YOU want (a happy relationship) and whether or not this guy has a great chance of fulfilling that. If this works out, then eventually you will have to start growing together and getting a really good feel for one another as people and potential boyfriend/girlfriend. I wonder if you're getting a vibe from him that you're happy with? I'm sure you have a lot to learn about one another but it should be moving forward in a way you're happy with. This guy DID tell you that he prefers something slow, I am sure that as time goes on it will become more obvious whether or not you fit one another. A relationship is just a word until you can evaluate whether or not you work as a couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 8:46pm
Sexual chemistry is usually there or it is not there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 8:56pm
I don't know what you mean by your comment on "sexual chemistry." Are you saying he is not attracted to me? Or that he is not "sexy" or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 9:04pm

I'd like to see more of him, but what I want is for him to want to see more of me. It's not the same if I have to ask.

I also want him to phone me more often. Not everyday but a little more than once a week to make weekend plans.

I don't want to ask for these things and have him do them reluctantly because I pestered him.

And I want things to go a little faster than they are going. I don't want to jump in the sack in the next few weeks. I only want to feel that we're moving steadily in that direction.

I'm afraid though that if I say anything it will turn him off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 10:18pm
No it's not the same if you have to ask, but you can't expect people to read your mind or just magically act the way you want. I read once in a book that the desire for someone to do something you want without having to be asked stems back to infancy when a baby wants something but cannot communicate it, and his mother just instinctively knows how to fulfill him - Whereas adults, especially in the beginning stages of dating, need to communicate what they want and ask for their partner to make them happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 8:47am

This is JMHO, based on my experience dealing with the opposite sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 9:30am

Based on my experience, your assessment is correct. If the guy is really interested, he'd act more interested. But most of my experience (like yours) is from when I was much younger and the men were much younger also.

This guy and I are both in our late fifties. We have family obligations and busy careers. He has some health problems. Although he has said nothing about it, I know that one of the medications he takes has the reputation of interfering with sexual performance. Maybe he is taking it slow because he wants to delay the moment when he might have problems performing. Or maybe he is taking it slow because he gets tired easily.

I wish I knew whether to just let things ride (I have no one else on the horizon either) and enjoy the once-a-week dates or to push for something else and maybe scare him away altogether. And I also wonder if maybe I am misreading the whole thing and the guy just needs encouragement/reassurance that I want a companion, not a stud.

So it helps to talk about it here and get feedback. Thanks.

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