Is This Going Anywhere?
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|Sun, 04-12-2009 - 11:33pm|
I've been dating this guy since January and I worry that we aren't making any progress. I know some women complain that the guys just want sex, and I've been in relationships like that, but here the problem is that he doesn't seem to be all that excited by me.
It took him four or five dates before he gave me a good night kiss. He has yet to hold my hand at the movies (or anywhere else). We will often hug in greeting, and he will sometimes touch the small of my back or my elbow to guide me when we are walking together, but it is all very proper.
When we first met, he told me he thought I was pretty, but he hasn't said it in months. He praised the necklace I was wearing the other day, he said nothing about the low-cut blouse or the bust that the necklace and the blouse were supposed to call attention to.
We go out almost every weekend, but only one night (usually Friday or Saturday). We e-mail during the week, and he phones, usually on Wednesday to plan where we will go on the weekend. Each date he asks me about next weekend and then tells me he will call "during the week" to make plans.
I'm not used to this. Every man I've dated in the past has either let the connection end after four or five dates (unless we ended it first) or gotten more and more interested, wanted to see me more often, etc. Three months with nothing major changing is strange to me.
When we are together we have a great time. He is good company, we click. I find him attractive, but I don't want to throw myself at him, so I let him set the pace. Now I can't tell if he is shy/inhibited or if he just isn't attracted. But why is he dating me if he isn't?
We are both lapsed Catholics and we have joked about the inhibitions of our backgrounds. Early on he said something about wanting to go slow with me because he could tell I was a woman who deserved respect. That sounded good then, now I wonder if it was just an excuse because he isn't interested.
I keep coming back to why is he dating me (instead of doing the "let's be friends") if he isn't interested. I don't think he's gay. I've some gay friends, and I think I could tell. I don't think he is in another relationship or still married. Wouldn't the whole point of it be to "cheat"? I may be good company, but who sets up a regular dating and e-mailing connection without wanting sex or something else? (If he is gay and using me as a cover, wouldn't he want to introduce me to people? He doesn't avoid meeting people he knows, but he doesn't go out of his way to take me to work functions and so on.) Is this making any sense to anyone?
One day (three weeks ago, I think) he was kissing me goodnight and instead of the usual peck on the lips he actually got into it, and even put his tongue inside my mouth. I didn't french him back because he caught me by surprise and it was very, very quick. The last couple of times, I haven't had a chance to do more than peck him on the lips in return. What happened?
One part of me thinks that he is just shy and I should encourage him. Another part of me thinks that he just isn't all that interested, and that he would think less of me if I encouraged him (the old Catholic upbringing about "fast" women and the double-standard).
We are both divorced, both in our 50s with grown kids and grandkids (his). I feel that it is adolescent of me to wonder if he is ever going to do more than kiss me. It's not just the sex (or lack of it). I want to know where we stand. (I don't know how to ask him straight out without sounding like I'm making a demand.)
Sorry that this is so long.