Good Relationship, Major Problem HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Good Relationship, Major Problem HELP!
8
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:32am

let me start this off by saying that I've always believed that a relationship should be open and free to last. There shouldn't be restirtcions or limitations. so I created a behind your back rule. Basicially whatever goes on behind my back is fine as long as I don't find out and no children are concieved.However, I have found myself in a major dilemma.

When I first met Sam I told him my views that I'm okay with an open relationship as in dating someone else as long as It is not in my face and that I don't find out about it. He liked that about me. Well, I didn't think our relationship would be beneficial, I thought it would be I thought it would be a summer fling. He is known to be a player and he has serveral females, however he was fun he paid me a lot of attention, we had common goals, and I realized that we really clicked. He's very honest with me, he's even told me he has feelings for his ex. We get along perfectly. We aren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but I'm sensing that he's talking to other people. I want t to re-nig on my "behind your back rule" but I don't know if I should wait and see if we make it official or not, it's been 2 months, but in my heart I do believe we belong together.

There's really no reason for me to fret or think he's doing something he shouldn't he's not after of getting hickies from me, we'll go around together in public. But then it's his lack of concern of I'm talking to or datoing someone else that puzzles me. Am I overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:42am
Have you considered the fact that he's so good to you because of your "rule"? Any guy that wants a commitment is not okay with that sort of rule and doesn't tell the girl about his feelings for his ex. Sure, you could tell him you want to take back what you said, but I doubt you'll get the reaction you're hoping for.
It might be better that you start anew with someone else and figure out what you want before you make any "rules" that allow someone to disrespect you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 11:08am
I think you need to move on and find someone else. The way you have described his actions towards you I don't think he is thinking about having a relationship with you especially if he is okay with you dating other people. I think he sees you more as a friend with benefits...
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 11:18am
Why would you tell a guy that they can do what you want as long as you dont know about it? I know why b/c you want to keep the guy and you know that every guy would jump on that offer. I mean you could tell this guy that you want to be exclusive but chances are he won't go for it. I would look else where. goodluck and dont ever tell a guy that again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:18am
No you are defenitely not over-reacting. but when you said that you were looking for trouble, hes defenitely not showing you the respect you now want, its obvious hes really taking advantage of that rule and i highly doubt hes going to want to be serious with you and have his freedom taken away after you specifically said what you said. even if he did decide to try and work out a serious relationship with you most likely he'll cheat on you and as long as you dont find out which ofcorse was your rule in the first place he will not feel any remorse, it would be impossible to trust him. I dont feel too positive towards your situation and you should find some1 new and start completely new, since you are looking for something serious now i dont think hes going to take you serious or be good to you at all. you should talk to him tell him that you made a mistake and regret what you said about wanting an open relationship, youre now looking for something serious and bc of what you said you cannot trust him at all and you dont think it would work out. both of you want different things. Im not saying that things might not work out but i do have my doubts and also if you ever want to be respected and be able to trust in a relationship i suggest you never say something like that again. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:58am

I agree with the others. One of the things that attracts him to you is the knowledge that he can sleep around and not have to answer to you. And he doesn't care if you talk to others because your rule is exactly the type of relationship he wants. He doesn't want to commit to you and doesn't want you to have to commit to him. Let's face it, a guy who cared how you behaved would not have accepted your rule in the first place.

I would seriously reconsider your rule. And if you think you've made a mistake by choosing the rule, talk with him. If he doesn't want to change, then move on. Assuming that you're having sex with him, it's never too early to discuss being monogamous. Don't get stuck on how long it *should* be before you have that conversation. (My DH gave up an opportunity for an overseas job posting when we'd only been together for two months)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 7:55am


Thank you everyone for your advice....

I agree with all of you. What I said was immature and to say the least unintelligent. I think I because we both got out of relationships, I wasn't sure if I was ready for something more.We've been friends for over thirteen years, so I knew his status pretty well and I didn't want to get attached to someone whom I thought definitely didn't want to be attached to me. I am discussing this with him as we speak and I will post his reply later today. If he doesn't like it, well too bad, plently more fish in the sea. Thanks again !

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 7:56am

Just talk to him about how your feelings have changed. You were honest and open with him from the beginning why would you change that now? Explain that you'll be disappointed if he doensn't want to continue the relationship under different conditions but that you'll understand and move on.

If you're mature enough to handle telling a guy that you're prepared to be in a non-exclusive relationship, you should be mature enough to tell him you're feelings have changed and face the music if you don't like the response you get.

My relationship with my fiance started off as non-exclusive. We had an understanding from the begining that things were not exclusive unless we both specifically agreed to make the relationship exclusive. Neither of us was specifically lokoing to be serious at the time. About 4-6 in he started hinting he'd like things to be exclusive so I gave it some thought and a couple weeks later I brought up the subject. I told him I was getting the impression that he'd lie to make things exclusive and that I was prepared to make things exclusive if he was. He said he'd like that and that and more or less was the whole discussion. It took about five minutes.

You don't have to make a production out of how you're feelings have changed or reveal everything. Just tell him they've changed and you'd like to make your arrangemnet exclusive. He'll either agree or not.

Contrary to what some posters have suggetsed I don't think you've allowed yourself to be disrespected or that he would, neccessarily, cheat after agreeing to be exclusive. I don't think you'll neccessarily get the response you want, but I don't think that you've made a huge mistake or that you shouldn't begin your next relationship the same way. I think it's rediculous for a woman to expect a man to stop seeing and sleeping with all other women because they have gone on two dates together or even because he's sleeping with her.

Dating is by nature a non-exclusive relationship until it is agreed that it will be otherwise and assuming things to the contrary only leads to trouble and heartache. And for MOST people in this day and age dating involves sex, maybe not immediately but at some point. Personally, I think it's smart that you put it out there right form the begining that you understood the rules of dating and didn't expect exclusivity. In the future you might want to mention that you'll let him know when and if your feelings change about it and you'd expect him to do the same. That way the two of you can be honest and open about how you feel about each other and the relationship even if those feelings change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 9:55pm
I think your behind the back rule is crap... thats not a relationship..if you want a REAL relationship, be honest, talk to him about it and if he cant do that move on... KNOW what you want... dont settle