Good Relationship, Major Problem HELP!
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| Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:32am |
let me start this off by saying that I've always believed that a relationship should be open and free to last. There shouldn't be restirtcions or limitations. so I created a behind your back rule. Basicially whatever goes on behind my back is fine as long as I don't find out and no children are concieved.However, I have found myself in a major dilemma.
When I first met Sam I told him my views that I'm okay with an open relationship as in dating someone else as long as It is not in my face and that I don't find out about it. He liked that about me. Well, I didn't think our relationship would be beneficial, I thought it would be I thought it would be a summer fling. He is known to be a player and he has serveral females, however he was fun he paid me a lot of attention, we had common goals, and I realized that we really clicked. He's very honest with me, he's even told me he has feelings for his ex. We get along perfectly. We aren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but I'm sensing that he's talking to other people. I want t to re-nig on my "behind your back rule" but I don't know if I should wait and see if we make it official or not, it's been 2 months, but in my heart I do believe we belong together.
There's really no reason for me to fret or think he's doing something he shouldn't he's not after of getting hickies from me, we'll go around together in public. But then it's his lack of concern of I'm talking to or datoing someone else that puzzles me. Am I overreacting?

It might be better that you start anew with someone else and figure out what you want before you make any "rules" that allow someone to disrespect you.
I agree with the others. One of the things that attracts him to you is the knowledge that he can sleep around and not have to answer to you. And he doesn't care if you talk to others because your rule is exactly the type of relationship he wants. He doesn't want to commit to you and doesn't want you to have to commit to him. Let's face it, a guy who cared how you behaved would not have accepted your rule in the first place.
I would seriously reconsider your rule. And if you think you've made a mistake by choosing the rule, talk with him. If he doesn't want to change, then move on. Assuming that you're having sex with him, it's never too early to discuss being monogamous. Don't get stuck on how long it *should* be before you have that conversation. (My DH gave up an opportunity for an overseas job posting when we'd only been together for two months)
Thank you everyone for your advice....
I agree with all of you. What I said was immature and to say the least unintelligent. I think I because we both got out of relationships, I wasn't sure if I was ready for something more.We've been friends for over thirteen years, so I knew his status pretty well and I didn't want to get attached to someone whom I thought definitely didn't want to be attached to me. I am discussing this with him as we speak and I will post his reply later today. If he doesn't like it, well too bad, plently more fish in the sea. Thanks again !
Just talk to him about how your feelings have changed. You were honest and open with him from the beginning why would you change that now? Explain that you'll be disappointed if he doensn't want to continue the relationship under different conditions but that you'll understand and move on.
If you're mature enough to handle telling a guy that you're prepared to be in a non-exclusive relationship, you should be mature enough to tell him you're feelings have changed and face the music if you don't like the response you get.
My relationship with my fiance started off as non-exclusive. We had an understanding from the begining that things were not exclusive unless we both specifically agreed to make the relationship exclusive. Neither of us was specifically lokoing to be serious at the time. About 4-6 in he started hinting he'd like things to be exclusive so I gave it some thought and a couple weeks later I brought up the subject. I told him I was getting the impression that he'd lie to make things exclusive and that I was prepared to make things exclusive if he was. He said he'd like that and that and more or less was the whole discussion. It took about five minutes.
You don't have to make a production out of how you're feelings have changed or reveal everything. Just tell him they've changed and you'd like to make your arrangemnet exclusive. He'll either agree or not.
Contrary to what some posters have suggetsed I don't think you've allowed yourself to be disrespected or that he would, neccessarily, cheat after agreeing to be exclusive. I don't think you'll neccessarily get the response you want, but I don't think that you've made a huge mistake or that you shouldn't begin your next relationship the same way. I think it's rediculous for a woman to expect a man to stop seeing and sleeping with all other women because they have gone on two dates together or even because he's sleeping with her.
Dating is by nature a non-exclusive relationship until it is agreed that it will be otherwise and assuming things to the contrary only leads to trouble and heartache. And for MOST people in this day and age dating involves sex, maybe not immediately but at some point. Personally, I think it's smart that you put it out there right form the begining that you understood the rules of dating and didn't expect exclusivity. In the future you might want to mention that you'll let him know when and if your feelings change about it and you'd expect him to do the same. That way the two of you can be honest and open about how you feel about each other and the relationship even if those feelings change.