The Grass Isn't Always Greener

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
The Grass Isn't Always Greener
2
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 3:40pm
Warning: amateur psychologist at play. I kept thinking about
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 8:36am

That was very interesting and timely post for me. Before reading this, I intended to post a thread asking whether it was a bad sign that after 3 months of dating an absolutely wonderful man who loves me, I still find myself checking out other guys and evaluating their potential.

I think most if not all of what you said was very true, especially for those of us who naturally tend to question decisions/relationships. I just want to add two points that apply in my situation and most "grass is greener" situations

First, I think many people (including me) are searching for an ideal partner, when in reality perfection does not exist. Thanks to romantic movies, we look for a "soulmate" who always "understands us" and "makes us happy" -- but that is not possible! Each lover will have faults and strengths. The real question is finding a lover whose balance of strengths and weaknesses suits you (i.e. no "deal breakers" exist)

Secondly, there is a certain thrill and challenge that comes from casual dating. While scary and often heartbreaking, the ups and downs of dating around are exciting -- no week/month is the same. People in long-term relationships may take their partner's love for granted. They start to focus on their lover's faults, and begin to look outside the relationship for excitement, whether cheating or daydreaming.

This being said, when I talk to older relatives about dating, they unianimously say that it is most important to find a partner who loves you and treats you with respect and kindness.....so maybe wanting anything more (especially anything superficial) is just immaturity on our part???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 8:42am

I think the grass is always greener feeling, amoung other things, are signs of a person who isn't ready for a lifetime commitment, not really, not 100% ready. They may want one, but there is a world of difference betwen wanting one and being ready for one.

I wanted that kind of commitment since I was a little girl, then as I reached my mid-twenties I started to question if it really was good for me. I had been with my high school sweetheart from 17-24. I loved him, he was my best friend. I still broke up with him, becasue I just felt there was something else out there for me and I couldn't shake the feeling I was settling. Which I realized was not only horribly unfair to myself but horribly unfair to him.

Was I afraid of commitment, did I think the grass was greener? Yup. That doesn't mean it wasn't the right choice. Simply put, it easy for me to see now, I wasn't ready. I still had a lot of growing up and learning to do about myself, other people, and the world, and how to make those things work together.

The truth is I really believe the only way to experience lasting love is to do a lot of work on yourself first and to always be working on yourself and find someone who does the same thing and someone that you feel comfortable talking to about all the things going on inside you. We never stop changing in our lives. To have a lifetime commitment that is held together by more then stubborness and will power you have to have a partner you can talk to and share with even when you aren't sure of exactly how you feel or what to do about it.

Life really is all about you. To trust someone else you must learn to trust yourself. To have real faith you must learn to have faith in yourself. To love you must learn to love yourself. To accept others you must learn to accept yourself. The meaning of life is you, it is whatever gift you give to the world. You decide the meaning of your life. If you don't spend time knowing who you are and examining how you change; who you are now and who you are becoming... Well I think it was Socrates that said it, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

So if the grass is greener it's time to do a little examining and figure out why? Because you're absolutely right sometimes the grass really is greener and sometimes we're just being big scaredy cats, but either way that's no way to enter into a lifetime commitment. Anyone who feels that way owes it to themsleves and who ever they are with to get to the bottom of why they feel that way and resolve it before any lifetime commitments are made. Sweeping it under the rug certainly isn't going to make it go away.