grown woman with her own "Dear Abby"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2010
grown woman with her own "Dear Abby"
5
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 5:00am
As i sit here to type this, I can't help but feel like a school kid again, not being able to make a decision for myself and looking for the advice from my gal pals. One of the many problems is that i have guy pals and not gal pals so their opinions are a bit tarnished when it comes to helping me out of this dilemma. Anyway, I'm more or less new to the dating scene, coming from a long term marriage, not knowing whether men are still individuals or are they categorized and stereotyped to the point where i can say that if my man is doing this, he's not the one? a little over a year ago i met a man through a friend of mine while i was out of town. We seemed to hit it off right away and began a connection of phone and internet interaction for about five to six months before deciding to meet again. Things progressed as well as could be expected for a long distance relationship and low and behold we are "in love". Like other couples, we have had our challenges but there are a few "key" things that have stuck in my head and before i continue any further, i feel as though i need to make the right decision rather than what my heart thinks is right. Everyone has faults, i'm not ignorant to that but tell me if these things should concern me or am i being too paranoid and should i love and live or love and "let go?" First of all, he is way more private than i have ever seen a man be. For instance, his cell phone hardly ever leaves his pocket, he checks it all the time when we are together, rather than just putting the ringer on so that he can hear it and he never ever takes a call or stays in the room when he uses it. I have introduced him to my family and although he talks a good show, I still haven't met anyone from his. Some days i feel as though he might be ashamed of me and others, i feel as though he feels his family may say too much to me about him? I've caught him on more than one occassion ogling other women while we are together only to notice that these women don't resemble me at all though he assures me that he loves my type of woman? When we are in public together he always walks a few steps in front of me and will occassionally stop to wait for me to catch up, although i have to admit, since i've called him out on this, he has gotten better and now holds my hand and kisses me in public at times. When we are alone however, it's always about me and how he can't imagine his life without me. And lastly, but certainly not least, i have noticed that when we have spent time together, i've had money missing from my person after he has left to go home. I am a very kind and caring person, maybe to the point where it is detrimental to my relationships, but how would i handle this? I don't want to walk away because i love him and i certainly know that peole make mistakes, but i left one marriage because i was being taken advantage of. Who would want to do that again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 11:56am

You've raised a number of red flags in your post. My first thought when I read about how he keeps his cell phone on him at all times and won't take a call in front of you is that he has another woman. Then you mentioned that he won't introduce you to his family and that would be consistent with that as well. If he has multiple women in his life, he can't introduce them all to his family or they will find out about each other. Being affectionate in private, but not in public can also mean that he doesn't want to be spotted with you if he has somebody else. All of these behaviors can have other explanations on their own, but when you start putting it all together, it looks really suspicious.

Here is a good article about warning signs that a guy is married. If he has another girlfriend that he's not living with, the signs may not be as obvious, but you'd probably still see some of this:
http://www.edubook.com/signs-of-a-married-man/2700/

The missing money should definitely be a huge concern. If it's happened more than once, I would definitely dump him just for that. Once might mean the money was missing for some other reason, although with all of the other suspicious behavior, I would still be worried. Next time it might not be just some money that is missing. He could clear out your whole house while you're sleeping and then disappear from your life. I know a woman that this happened to after she'd let a long distance that she'd been living with move in with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2010
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 12:09pm
Thank you so much for your post. I am completely sure that he is not married.I am able to call him at whatever hour i want, he comes and stays with me whenever i ask and i have the names and telephone numbers of his family members,(thank god for caller I.D. lol) I've seen family photos and am able to be sure that they are his parents and siblings. The money issue yes is disheartening and could lead into big trouble. If he is that willing to do something as small as take me for 30 dollars, he obviously is putting himself first though why i dont know because i would and do give him everything i own. That's the type of person I am. I suppose all that is left is for my heart and my mind to do is to get on the same page and do what is necessary. thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 12:17pm

I also agree about all the red flags in his behavior being more than reason enough to stop dating him. And yes I'd also agree that the fact that he's stealing from you alone is far more than enough of a reason to get rid of him.

Something that you said seems disturbing to me, when you said you'd give him everything you own because you love him. This is the key to why you get taken advantage of. A good man would not demand that you give things to him. You being willing to give a man everything is likely to continue getting you the type of man who is looking for a woman who is gullible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2010
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 12:38pm
Ok well maybe i didn't say that exactly the way it should have been. He has never demanded that i give him anything. I am a caregiver by nature(nurse by profession) and thats how i treat people. We have both paid for things at different point and he has never made me foot anything i didn't offer to do. Nonetheless, i know what it is that i have to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 2:09pm

I believe it is not emotionally-psychologically healthy to want to give someone everything they own.