A guy I have known for almost 5 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2010
A guy I have known for almost 5 years
6
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 3:07am

So about 5 years ago, I was 17 and he was 24. We got along great, we dated for 2 years. With a lot of problems of course. Before I met him, he got his last girlfriend pregnant. He didn't know if it was his because she cheated on him. She came between us more than I would of liked. Finally we broke up after her threatening to take his daugther away from him. But we remained friends and we still hung out. She didn't know. He made all these promises and saying he still loves me but got to do whats best for his daughter.



So they broke up in May of 2009. And we start talking more and seeing more. We both agree we need to work on being friends, then we would talk about us. Like we always had a trust issue with each other. Me because of the ex. And then me because of something I did. Not cheating, but something else. But he says he just wants to be friends now.



But anyway..it's a long story. Just don't want to sit here and type it all. He's anti-social and has ADHD. We've some harsh words to one another. We threaten to stop talking to one another after fights we have. But recently I found out, his mom blames me for his ex and him breaking up and him losing his daughter. But he stood up to his mom about me. Then I guess his brother was talking crap about me one day and they got in a fight because of it. Then this girl who's been going around saying they are together, which I guess they are since recently. He did it to make me mad he says. But anyway, I guess he told this girl about me and how we hang out. She wanted him to stop talking to me. And he said he wouldn't.



Like if he wants to be just friends..wouldn't he kinda let me go somewhat and try to be with another girl? I mean I know stuff about him no one else knows. And he knows stuff about me no one else knows. He's my best friend. But he says he only wants to be friends. But does things to make me think otherwise. Like we were talking the other day and he said "She's petty and your not." Like why would you say that about your supposedly girlfriend but say I'm not?



I'm going to just go along with everything and be friends. He's the first guy I said I love you too. He's 28 and I'm soon to be 22. Right now were on two different pages. He's in his last year of college and getting this figured out in his life. I already have a full time job and just getting my life back in order.



Am I reading to much into this or what? We just had a big arguement and we both took time to think if we wanted to keep doing this. And we both said we wanted to be friends but things needed to change.



I've left some details out...well a lot, but it's a long story. Expands over 5 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 11:39am

Woo boy, this was a rather exhausting relaitonship to read about! I

"we dated for 2 years. With a lot of problems of course."

Do you know that there are guys out there that don't have so much baggage, that won't have so much drama following them around, and you can really have NO PROBLEMS for 2 years and more?

I really don't think you guys should be friends right now. Too much history, someone's got to have feelings still. Just give it a year break. You figure out who you are and do it on your own.

Since he's the only guy you have ever really know, maybe you THINK that this is normal, that all this drama-mama stuff is just par for the course? It is not. Date other guys, move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 7:14pm

I've dated other guys since him. I had rebound guys after him. Then I met a guy and we started talking marriage, kids, and even started looking at houses. But all his family didn't like me and that caused problems. We tried to make it work, but he kept questioning me about stuff some of his family member said. I just got tired of it and walked away.



The guy I'm orginally talking about, we did take a break. Once I met that guy I just mentioned we didn't talk for about a year. We talked a few times. But for a few minutes updating stuff going on in our life. Saying we were happy for each other. I know I still care for the guy. It's obvious. But I just don't know about him. He says he wants to be friends but does stuff like I mentioned before.



I want to walk away, I've been spending the last month going back and forth. The pros the cons. The past and what benefits keeping him around. He is my best friend. I don't know what I would of done without him in my life. Yes, I wouldn't of cried so much. But he was there for me when I lost my mom and he just recently lost his dad and I was there. And he takes me away from the problems I have at home.



But I know that don't make up for the things he's put me through. I just don't know. I can't see myself not talking to him. Like I told him recently we need to figure out what's going on. If we still care for one another, we should make it work. If we both agree it needs to be friends, then it needs to be strictly friends. Nothing added on or anything. I told him that he will always be part of my life, he will be invited to my wedding. The guy I'm dating will have to understand he's my best friend and just because he's a guy don't mean I would cheat on my boyfriend with him. If that makes sense.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 8:02pm

This has always been a toxic relationship, and always would be if you two became a couple again. People can have good qualities, but if the bad outweighs the good, and a couple is upset, frustrated, or stressed out more often than not, then it's time to jump ship.



I chose a man who doesn't remain friends with exes, and does not have a female as a best friend. Out of respect for my boyfriend, I don't remain in contact with my exes. It also prevents closure when you remain friends. It's okay to have a male best friend when you are young and unattached, but most often, when these types of friends get a significant other, that best friend gets put to the back burner. The dynamics are different when it's a male/female friendship, and usually the partner is uncomfortable with the arrangement--especially if the couple had a romantic past.



I feel sorry for any man you get involved with who would have to accept this situation, if you remain best friends with this man. Just the fact that you want a lifetime spent with "your friend" and would be very upset if you no longer could see him, shows that you want more than friendship.



For your sake, I would not be friends with this man. No good can come of it. You need to find a lifetime partner who meets all of your main needs. Write down your "must haves" and dealbreakers. Ask a friend with a happy and healthy relationship what that's like. Maybe you've never been exposed to loving couples who know how to communicate properly and build a nice life together. If a man you're dating doesn't meet your needs, move on and date someone else until you find the right one. I don't care what you think his behavior means, or the mystery behind his actions and words. What matters is your behavior. You have the power over your life to allow or bar people from your life according to how they treat you. Be your own best friend and listen to all of the similar opinions you're getting here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 8:12pm

If I'm in a relatioship, the guy I'm with comes first. But I'm not gonna end a friendship with someone just because he's my ex. When I do have a boyfriend, I don't talk much to the guy. I focus on the relationship I'm in. But he don't put his girlfriend first. He is in a relationship now. But he's admitted to me that it's to piss me off. And has stuff that's a compliment to me and is putting his girlfriend down.



So that's whats confusing me. He says we are friends and nothing more. But does that. I agree, if your in a relationship you focus on that and your life. You can spend time with your friends, but not as much time as we spend together. I have said before I care about this guy a lot. But he keeps messing with my emotions. But everytime I try to talk about this, he gets upset and just walks away. I point out factors like I am on here. And he just denies it and says I'm looking to much into it. But what guy puts down his girlfriend and compliments his ex - now friend, right in front of his girlfriend. If you didn't care, just as friends, you wouldn't do that. Hmm..I don't know. I haven't talked to him yet today, other than to tell him his brother sent me a message and to be warned he's mad and is about to go talk to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 9:27am

You ask, "what guy puts down his girlfriend and compliments his ex - now friend, right in front of his girlfriend."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 10:48am

"You ask, "what guy puts down his girlfriend and compliments his ex - now friend, right in front of his girlfriend." --A loser. What kind of guy messes with your emotions, and walks away when you try to express your unhappiness? --An uncaring loser. What kind of guy says he's in a relationship with someone else to piss you off? A psycho loser."

Ditto!