Guy Needs Help Understanding Girl
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| Tue, 11-01-2005 - 10:37am |
Ok ladies, help me out. I will give you plenty of info so you can have the full picture. I think I know women pretty well, but this one has me a bit confused.
I'm 38; she's 33; both divorced once. I am a financially successful, descent looking guy, well built/muscular, great dresser - a little bit metrosexual; think Jeremy Piven with glasses (not a hunk, but not bad) - I would give myself a 6 to 7. She is very attractive, by anyone's standards, at least an 8 to 9 on the 10 scale.
We met online (Match.Com). We had a lunch date (met there). I asked her to a dinner date (I picked her up); spent 3 hours together; good time. Next 'date', I invited her to hear a band I'm friends with. We were just meeting for that, and she brought her Mom by to meet me (she told me her Mom said 'I was a good one'). I passed the Mom test. Lastly, a couple nights ago we went to a great concert together (Rob Thomas). BTW, she gave me a picture of herself before the date. On the way back she brought up me taking her to a banquet/ball a couple of weeks from now. She has initiated emails and calls with me between dates. Sounds like it's going really good, right?
Here is my massive confusion. I don't touch a woman until she initiates it in some way. You girls grab my arms (I have large biceps), give that big smile like "gosh I'm so glad to be with you right now". This woman has occasionally touched me, rested her arm on my shoulder for two seconds once while we were in the car, but that's about it. No, I haven't tried to kiss her; it just hasn't felt right. I date a lot; I kiss on first dates if it's right; I'm not a shy guy. I can tell when a woman wants me to kiss her. She has talked about a couple of 'experiences' in the past, so I know she's not a prude or just totally shy. We've talked about future stuff, likes/dislikes. If I bring something up that a girl might would think would 'disqualify' her as serious material (for me) she covers her bases. For example, I scuba dive. She said that she's not sure she would want to try that, but she would be happy hanging out on the beach or boat while I did that. Make sense?
But something is just weird here, and I can't put my finger on it. My gut tells me she just doesn't have emotion for me in a 'sexual' way (because I haven't gotten those glowing eyes too many times or been touched), but on the other side, she sees all of my great qualities and is afraid to let me get away. Is she just hanging around to see if she can fall in love with me??? Or is she just taking it REALLY slow because she met me online (and maybe since we have so much in common - it seems too good to be true). She told me I'm the first guy online that she has really dated. She's made contact with a couple, but I'm the first to go out with more than once, and I'm the first that she has given directions to her house to pick her up for dates, etc...
So, do I need to give this more time, or he she just killing time with me until someone better comes along? Please ladies, be brutally honest. I would like to get tons of replies.
Jeff

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So if I understand correctly, 3 dates so far? It's hard to say. In my own personal experience, I usually know pretty fast if I'm physically / sexually attracted to a guy. And while I'm not one to rush into intimacy too quick, if I'm really attracted, I at least want to try kissing / cuddling you know, to see if the chemistry is there for real.
However, some women have been burnt, and might want to take their time. In this current relationship, at one point I thought I wasn't feeling it so broke up with the guy after about 2 weeks. But he was so nice, that I decided to reconsider just to see.. and now I'm head over heels in love with the guy. And I've heard other similar stories.
So my advice would be- give it some time. After 3-4 weeks if you see that there is still no sparks beginning to fly, I would maybe broach the subject and try to see where she stands.
That is just my 2c.
She may just not be an emotionally expressive person. That's the way I am. Beneath the surface, I'm actually a very emotional person, but it just doesn't really show. My boyfriend has even said that he can never tell if I'm bored or if I'm enjoying myself when we're out together because I have the same expression on my face either way. I'm also not touchy feely at all until after I've gotten comfortable with a guy. I've found that guys can never tell how I feel about them even when it seems to me like I've been sending pretty strong clues that I like them. It works both ways. Sometimes I really like a guy and I start trying to send him clues and then I find out that he wasn't picking up on them as much as I was expecting and hoping he would and sometimes he wasn't picking up on them at all. Then there are times when a guy likes me, and I try to clue him in on the fact that I only like him as a friend, and he doesn't pick up on it.
The other thing is that not everybody gets completely caught up in the romance when things are still so brand new. There are lots of people who need time to really get to know the person before their feelings start to really develop. It sounds like she is one of these people. Just because she's not madly head over heels in love with you and thinking that you're greatest thing since sliced bread when she's only been out with you four times doesn't mean that she's just using you until something better comes along. When I was younger, I used to get really caught up in the excitement and the romance of meeting a new guy who seemed interesting before even the first date, and then there wouldn't even be a second date, and the whole thing would seem silly and pointless. Nowadays, I believe in being friends first and reserving your enthusiasm for after you've really gotten to know the person pretty well so that it's more meaningful when it happens.
Anyway, I think if you want to know where things stand with this girl, you're going to need to pursue it with her. She's probably not averse to telling you if you give her an opportunity to. Try this line on her. Ask her, "So when will I get to kiss you?" Regardless of how she's feeling or whether or not she wants to be kissed, that should get some type of a response out of her that will give you a better ida of where things stand. You can also tell that she's very "mysterious". That way you can go on to talk about how she's hard to read and you have a hard time telling how she feels about you, and it won't sound like a negative thing. I've had both men and women tell me before that I seem mysterious, and it's always a nice compliment to receive, because it makes it sound like the other person sees something alluring in my stoicism. If you approach things like that, then you can find out from her how she's feeling without offending her or standing in the way of the romance.
We've been dating about a month, and we have another date this Friday.
she may be unsure about the chemistry. she may be waiting to see how a kiss feels before she decides one way or another. that's possible. if i were her, i probably would have done more to initiate the kiss by now so i could find out my answer. but maybe that's just me.
alternatively... you said you don't touch a woman unless she initiates it. maybe she's the same way? could it be she's holding back because she's not picking up any signals from you?
Well, I need to get to work so I'm not going to read the other responses, but here's my story.
I don't remember for sure how touchy feel I was with my husband when we first meet, but I will tell you sparks didn't fly for me until date three. He gave me a big hug and a kiss on the check on date one and we even made out a little on date two, but let's just say I've been much more into then I was during that second date.
I liked him enough to not rebuff his advances, but not enough to intiate one of my own. I know I really liked him but the sexual chemistry was just not there intially. Then he came over to my place for pizza and a movie for date number three. I was ordering the pizza and he made a wise crack and he was laughing nad he looked up at me and smiled and it lit up his whole face and WHAM, that was it there was the spark.
I had a similar experience with another guy I was serious about for about three years. Initially he seemed like a nice enough guy. I would have said yes to a date with him. Then we were out in group one night and he offered me his coat and as he helped me into it my hair was caught under the collar and he ran his hand along my neck to get it out and BAM suddenly I was plotting how to get him to ask me out.
Attraction can be a strange animal. She obviously likes you or she wouldn't keep seeing you. She obviously at the very least sees a lot of potential. Maybe she's just waiting for that spark.
My advice break your rule, that's what they're there for anyway. Make a move and see what happens. The absolute worst thing that can happen is she'll turn away and give you the just friends brush off. At least you'll know where you stand. Rejection sucks, rejection after you've gone out for a month thinking your dating while she's thinking "just friends" sucks more.
Ummm, I just thought of one other hint. Personally, if I'm getting a "just friends" vibe from a guy I will usually insist on picking up the check every other time. Not all women do this and some women do it even if they're totally into the guy. SO don't put too much stock in it; but, there it is, for whatever you want to make of it.
Great advice (as I've gotten a lot of from this site). I like hearing stories like yours.
What I haven't heard yet was what my concern was. That maybe she is just killing time with a 'good enough' guy. I thought maybe a couple of you would say that. If anyone has that angle, that what I'm describing you've done before, please fess up. haha
Thanks again for all the feedback... Jeff
Hi Jeff,
Now I'm just speaking for myself, but my time is too precious to waste with a 'good enough guy'. I would much prefer to be on my own than being with someone I don't particularly want to be with. Of course when you just met someone it's not always love at first sight, and you might go on a few dates not knowing if you're feeling it or not but wanting to give it a chance, but usually after a few weeks / dates, again personally, I make up my mind pretty quick. If I'm not into the guy I won't waste his time or mine. I concur with the other girls in that it might be possible she is not all there yet, but is slowly growing into it, and that would mean that she sees the potential. I personally believe you have a good chance. Like others said, she might be a bit 'old school', some women won't make the first move. I wouldn't. She might just be waiting for you to show some initiative.. who knows.
I honestly I don't think most women think that way.
Because most women don't disassociate sexual attraction and love all that well they wouldn't continue dating someone they didn't like in hopes "Well, at least maybe I'll get some." For the most part if a woman's in it for the sex she'll be pretty up front about it and she certainly wouldn't be waiting on you to make the first move.
Worst case scenario she's sizing you up for a mold and trying to determine if you'll fit or not. In other words she may be convincing herself she likes you more then she really does so that she can have a boyfriend just for the sake of having a boyfriend even though on some level she knows yout two aren't a good match. She'll hang on hoping to turn you into the image she has created for her ideal boyfriend. Once she determines you wont be molded she'll dump you. Might take two weeks might take years.
The good news if she's the psychotic molder type you would probably be able to tell within a month or so.
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