Happily Married but in love with another

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Happily Married but in love with another
15
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:07pm

OK.. I will save everyone from a long drawn out story and try to give just the important stuff.

I've been very happily married for almost 10 years.. (I'm 30) I have a 9 year old daughter and life was great. Started a new job last Sept. and then in February, like a slap in the face found myself attracted to a co-worker. We realized about the same time and we spoke about it. (which I guess was our first mistake) He's not exactly happily married but he does love his wife and their son 18 mos old. He is a godly man who cherishes his vows. I have the most wonderful husband in the world.

We've kissed once and that was it. We've met after work and talked and hugged...no making etc. I have been at the point where I offered myself to him and he turned me down because he can't hurt his wife and son. I'm glad he was strong enough for the both of us. We talk every morning on the way home and every evening after work. He has confessed his love for me but says if we're meant to be it will have to happen the right way, not the wrong way. I agree but I'm having a much harder time letting go. He just found out his wife is preg again and I'm furious. Why, if he's so unhappy, would they get preg again. I love him, but I have to let him go. He says he can't continue "this" with me but that he still wants to talk to me from time to time. Oh gee thanks.... How do I get over someone that has captured my soul but that I can't have. Esp when he works across the hall from me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:15pm
JMHO... All this time and energy you have put into him put into your husband. Instead of thinking of this other guy think of how great your husband is. What you'd like to do to your husband for your husband. Think about your child and how she will be affected with your wrong doings. Stop focusing on what you want and start thinking of the others affected by this. This man has shown you his words and actions are different. Life so unhappy at home but you are expecting a second child less then 2 yrs after the first. Don't fall prey and just move on.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:45pm

All I can say is this. If he's a "godly man" he wouldn't have even started anything with you. Falling in love with another is adultery also. As is kissing another.

I agree with Marie, put all that energy into your husband. If you are "happily married" act it and live it.

Secondly, if he's a "godly man" I doubt he'll leave his wife, happy or not, because another baby is now coming into this world. And a "godly man" will do the right thing and stand by HER side.

Hugs. I know it's hard, but realize, you have a wonderful man at home. He deserves a good woman. If you can't be it. Let him go. It may take time to let things go, but attraction isn't love. And I doubt what you had with your OM was love. Regardless if it's meant to be, it' CAN'T be, if you both are married.

Think about what you want in your life, in your marriage, with your child. If you are underneath unhappy in your marriage, then get out. If you're not, then redirect all your thoughts to your H.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 3:41pm

I know you guys are right. Please know that he really is a Godly man that succumbed to temptation. He and I have prayed for together and cried together. We have prayed on our own for god to take all of these emotions away and for the last 4 months it's done nothing but become stronger. Until now. Once he found out she was preg he began refocusing on his marriage, which he should. But I'm totally devasted. I can't figure out if I'm more upset that he's so easily able to let me go or if it's because I don't want to let him go.

I have began to refocus my energy on my husband please know I'm making every effort. But, my heart is torn. Even if I up and left my husband 6 mos from now, I still wouldn't be happy because I know this OM will never be with me. He's doing what is right. He's sticking by her side. Which is all the more reason that I love him. Because he's good and kind.

My husband adores me. We have a strong sexual relationship even after 10 years. We get along. He pampers me. I don't know why any of this happened. I wasn't looking for it and didn't want it. I was happy exactly where I was at. But I don't have or feel the strong connection with my husband that I do with the OM. The OM that I can't have. I've never wanted someone that didn't want me back and it's a major blow to the ego not to mention the heart. I guess in order to get over him I'm going to have to cut off all contact??? Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 3:51pm

Right.

And don't confuse "connection" with love and what will make a marriage work. For all you know, you could end up with the OM, only to have him cheat with another women, cuz SHE made him feel even MORE connected and alive than YOU.

If a person, as religious as you two say you are, can fall to temptation, then either one of you can fall again. No amount of connection, or perceived perfect love will change that, because if there is one better or more person out there, you'll fall to temptation again.

I am not really religious, but remember what happened when Adam and Eve fell to temptation. Maybe then, you'll look inside yourself for WHY you allowed yourself to even OFFER yourself up to this OM.

I'd seek help. Maybe from a pastor/priest and discuss how to save your marriage. If you and this OM truly are meant to be as God would've wanted you to be, it woudn't involve cheating, adultery, or even hoping for the end of a marriage. It would involve to people that have no strings. Divorced or not. Kids or not. It'd happen in the way it was meant to happen. Therefore, I'd look at the OM as a temptation that God put forth, and you failed....but you can still learn from the mistake and that in itself is the best thing for yourself. To LEARN about WHY you aren't truly happy in your marriage. WHY you fell to temptation. WHY. And when you learn why, you learn about how to fix yourself and your life so that it'll never happen again (I am not saying you should stay or leave your H).

But, you are very right about one thing. You need to stop ALL contact with OM unless it's work related.

Hugs and good luck. Learning is the best lesson....especially when you learn it from failure.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 4:15pm
Maybe all of this was God's way of putting your ego in check and forcing you to focus on His will be done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:00pm

Stop talking to him. I'm sorry but the only way to get over this is to stop contact. No emails, no lunches together, no long gazes across the workplace, unless it's work related you shouldn't be communicating.

Don't kid yourself, he doesn't just stay because he's such a godly man he stays because he wants too, he's still having sex with her or she wouldn't have gotten pregnant, so I doubt that their marriage is all that terrible.

You want to know how to get over him, imagine how devastated your husband that you claim to love so much, how his eyes would look if he ever caught you kissing this other man, the pain in his eyes should be enough to get you out of this selfishness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:12pm
I know I know... and I appreciate all of your honesty. I shouldn't have waited this long to ask for help. Maybe it wouldn't have come this far. It's ironic what you said Pineapple about it happening if it't the right thing because that's what the OM said. He said if we ever got the chance to be together he wanted it to be right. He wanted it to pure and not based on cheating hearts. He himself told me that if we left our spouses to be together we would never trust each other. He also said that if it's God's Will, it will happen, on his terms not ours. And if it's not, then we won't be together. I'm more devastated because before all of this he was becoming a good friend. We were even considering hanging out with our families etc. Now, any hope of that is gone. I will always love him and he will always hold a very special place in my heart. But I've got to let him go, believe me I know how selfish I've been. I am extremely ashamed and wish I could take it all back but really, how much control do we have of our emotions. I look in his eyes and I see a place I "should've" been. But I look in my adorable husbands eyes and I know I don't deserve him esp now. That alone is enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die. All of your advice and input has helped me more than you know. I should have wrote back February. Maybe it never would've got this far.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:38pm

Humans actually have quite a bit of control over our emotions and, more particularly, over the ACTIONS that we take in response to those emotions, IF we choose to exercise that control. "I can't help how I feel" is a load of hooey, IMO, and a failure to take personal responsibility.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:47pm

"how much control do we have of our emotions."

I think we don't have a lot of control over emotions, per se. However, I feel we have control over our actions.

I always hear people say God does strange things and can test you. Well, he tested you. Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed, learn from it. instead of feeling sad about what you lost, why not concentrate on what you have. Instead of thinking about how you lost a best friend, why not look at your H to be your best friend?

Obviously there is something missing in your marriage, which is making you not so happy. Be in a intimate connection, a friendly connection, or passionate connection, it's not there. Now, that's not to say it can NEVER be there, or what not, but have you thought about therapy? Not couples therapy, but just for yourself. To look inside of you, as to why you felt justified to cheat, to leave your H for another man, to do damage to your family by leaving for another man. It's one thing to leave for your own reasons, but for another man, it's a whole other story.

Hugs. It's time to do some soul searching.

~pineapple_girl

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:32am
My advice is to find a new job NOW. If you truly do respect and love your husband you will do everything possible to get away from this other man, AND find out why you are finding yourself attracted to someone else when you have a husband at home.
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