Happily Married but in love with another

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Happily Married but in love with another
15
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:07pm

OK.. I will save everyone from a long drawn out story and try to give just the important stuff.

I've been very happily married for almost 10 years.. (I'm 30) I have a 9 year old daughter and life was great. Started a new job last Sept. and then in February, like a slap in the face found myself attracted to a co-worker. We realized about the same time and we spoke about it. (which I guess was our first mistake) He's not exactly happily married but he does love his wife and their son 18 mos old. He is a godly man who cherishes his vows. I have the most wonderful husband in the world.

We've kissed once and that was it. We've met after work and talked and hugged...no making etc. I have been at the point where I offered myself to him and he turned me down because he can't hurt his wife and son. I'm glad he was strong enough for the both of us. We talk every morning on the way home and every evening after work. He has confessed his love for me but says if we're meant to be it will have to happen the right way, not the wrong way. I agree but I'm having a much harder time letting go. He just found out his wife is preg again and I'm furious. Why, if he's so unhappy, would they get preg again. I love him, but I have to let him go. He says he can't continue "this" with me but that he still wants to talk to me from time to time. Oh gee thanks.... How do I get over someone that has captured my soul but that I can't have. Esp when he works across the hall from me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:22pm
I actually have been looking for another job. I realized not too long ago that working across the hall from him, seeing him throughout the day was going to make it real hard to get over him. I've been putting resumes out there and hopefully something different and maybe even better will come along. Thanks again everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:33pm

In all seriousness, how is that possible. TO me the very definition of being "happily married" involves being madly in love with my spouse, so how can you be "happily married" and love someone else?

I mean maybe you can love how he "pampers" you and love your family and love having the appearance of the Cleaver household and the happy family, but that isn't really loving your spouse, that's loving the things you spouse does and provides for you.

It's time to do some MAJOR soul-searching as a another poster said, sorry is well and good as long as you learn and repeat the mistake. Guilt is a useless feeling unless it makes you become a better person.

Honestly, I'll I'm hearing is a lot of "Poor me, how do I deal with this? I'm in love with someone I can't have." Seems to me the question shouldn't be how to get over this OM, it should be "How did I get here? What kind of person am I to have an emotional affair and betray my husband and family and faith? Why did I do this? How do I make sure it never happens again?"

The truth is you can't help being attracted to a person, but you CAN help how you feel, because if you're attracted to someone you CAN make sure you're NEVER in a position where you could start to have feelings. You cna make sure you don't become "friends" with a person you're strongly attracted to, then you cna't develop a "bond", a "connection".

Maybe you understand that now, but it's time to stop putting yourself and your feelings first and focus on making ammends and how to make your marriage work or consider ending it. Because you might think you're happily married, but something tells me happy wouldn't last very long if your husband knew about "the lust in your heart" (as Jimmy Carter so eloquently put it).

Your husband deserves to be with someone who REALLY loves him and wouldn't betray him. If you can become that person, that's awesome, but instead of feeling sorry for yourself and your broken heart start thinking about how heart broken your husband would be if he knew. One thing is for sure you'll have a lot less time to focus on your own heartbreak.

And one last thing, I don't know where your religion falls on this or how your husband would feel but personally, if I had been cheated on and there was pretty much no way I'd find out unless my spouse told me I would be really hurt if they told me. Because to me that's just selfish. The spouse who did the wrong thing gets to feel better about themselves for having "told the truth" and is able to be "forgiven" and absolved of guilt, meanwhile I get to deal with the heartbreak of betryal and try to find a way to forgive and to trust again and see if I can't pick back up the pieces while they bask in their new found relief having dumped the burden of their betrayl squarely on my shoulders.

Just soemthign to consider before you tell or don't tell your husband.

Oh and for the record I've never been cheated on, at least not that I know about. I just know how hurt and angry I'd be if I knew someone I loved was crying to a bunch of people about not being able to have the person the "really" loved while I loved that person whole-heartedly never knowing they didn't return that love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 5:27pm

Thanks for your advice and opinions. I wrote to this bored so I could figure out what to do. I'm lost. I never asked for any of this and I don't know how to fix it. I do love my husband and recognize how wonderful he is and how lucky I am. But, one thing is for sure. It's apparent that only one of us are truly, happily, married. I must not be as happy as I thought I was or I would have never gotten where I am now. We will celebrate our 10 anniversary this fall. Up until February of this year, no one, or nothing would have, could have or did tempt me. Why now, why at all? I'd cut off my leg to go back and change what happened.

I glad you mentioned the not telling him point. I've been tortured with whether I should or shouldn't. I want to do the right thing. If that means not telling, then so be it. It would absolutely kill him. I wouldn't feel better for it because he would just wither away and die. I know him too well. And likewise, if he were going through what I"m going through and he told me.... I would die. It would hurt so bad. I honestly, really, want to wash it away. But I can't. It may sound like a poor pitiful me scenario but I chose this bored because I didn't know who else to turn to for advice. I'm too ashamed to go to my preacher,or my family, or even my friends. I've gotten much needed advice and it's been honest so I thank everyone who has taken the chance to write.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 7:52am

Don't be too ashamed to get help, maybe go to a different church and talk to a preacher there, someone of the same faith but who doesn't know your husband and family. That way you don't ahve to worry about pittying looks or magnifying your guilt.

Get their take on whether you should eventually tell your husband or not. The opinion expressed is mine and there are a LOT of people who would whole heartedly disagree and have good reasons for doing so.

Yes, you screwed up, but you want to make it right and in order to do that you'll have to move past a lOT of really hard feelings. Feelings of shame and guilt and feelings of loss. Noone deserves to be tortured by another person or THEMSELVES because they made a mistake. It happens that's just life and you should forgive yourself.

What really shows a person's character is how they deal with mistakes and carry on afterward.

You may want to look into some books on how to stay connected in your marriage or reconnect in your marriage, the internet is a great resource for finding them. If you were ever head over heals in love with your husband there's a good chance you can rekindle soem of those feelings.

It's the easiest thing in the world to forget to be friends with each other and to be lovers and forget to make your relationship with your spouse the bedrock of your family, a safe place to go for comfort and support. We forget those things so easily once we fall into the patterns of daily life. ESPECIALLY, once you have kids, because WAY too many couples start always putting the kids before themselves and contrary to widely held beliefs that ISN'T healthy.

Dr. Phil is fond of saying the best gift you can give your kids is having a loving healthy relationship with your spouse and making that relationship a priority. Heck, check out some of Dr. Phil's books, he offers really good advice. Well, at least I think he does.

Hopefully, in trying to bring life back to your marriage the things you were missing before will return and you can fall back in love with the man you married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:45am
Dear Lost,
I felt compelled to respond to your post as I had a very similar situation in my life about 4 years ago. I was in a long term marriage (15 years) and had never even considered being unfaithful. I began to see a (married) co-worker of mine in a different way. Oddly enough it was my young daughter (12 at the time) that said.."Wow...he is really adorable and sweet".
Anyway...we started with lunches and emails and soon we were on the brink of a physical relationship. We promised we wouldn't have sex, or allow it to harm our families, jobs etc... but did it anyway. I ended up leaving my husband and he, well he did not leave his wife. In fact, they are still together. It was a very bad time for me back then, I decided that I could not fully recover if I was forced to see and interact with him every day. So I left the best job I have ever had, took a $3.00 an hour cut in pay to leave. I really felt like he was my soul mate at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight, I think it was more likely infatuation. I would never recommend getting involved in that type of thing...it destroyed my family, forced me out of my job and nearly killed me. I know your hurting...I feel for you, I was you...but try to let it go, put it behind you. You must remove him from your life, cut your ties, no communication. That will be much easier at a different job. My thoughts are with you.

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