Having trouble with bf..............help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Having trouble with bf..............help
6
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 2:36pm

me and my two girls live with my boyfriend. I confronted him this morning that I wanted things tomove foward in this relationship and I got a crapy answer tell me what u think?

He works 12+ hours during the week and sometimes weekends so our time is limted together to grow into marriage . On the week nights he's home we have dinner and t.v and sleep we may cuddle but he's so dam tired that it's not the same. Onthe weekends he may work and I am usually alone because the kids go with their dad. He does not romance me or enjoy me as Iwould like him to on these days alone instead he's night out with me is calling his friend to join us or something with his co-workers. I am supportive in everything he wants to do I am realizing most of our plans are things he wants to do not with us doing couple things...........I am tired of being MISS SUPORRTIVE.

I asked him this morning about making us 1 prioirty in his life and told me i was controlling him. I told him nothing when he woke up this morning to drive with his frineds before work and made plans after work to visit a friend who was having football at his house today. I got fed up because he did it yesterday after work he went all over the place and i stood home alone until 6p then he wanted to go to hooters to see the USC game and I went to please him.

I told him this morning that i wanted him to make us ..NO 1 so we can move foward and get married.he kept telling me i was contolling him. I made it clear that I was not contolling him that i wanted him to make us #1 on his fun list and have his hobbies and friends second so we can grow........... no where in their i said anything about controlling him. He told me I was contolling and contunined to say he wasn't going to marry me if i was going to act like this...........I felt SABATOGED.

He hung up leaving me crying on the phone as I was tryed to get throught to him that I am not controlling him just want us to move foward after 6 years and I do not like being home, he hung up with this smerky good bye almost as if he was enjoying me cry. I haven't called him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 9:13am

chic-girl...

You're gonna hate Pianoguy's question....but he'll risk it!

"HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLE EXPECT A MAN WHO WORKS 12 HOURS A DAY DURING THE WEEK (& SOMETIMES ON WEEKENDS) EXPECT TO MAKE YOU PRIORITY #1?" This ISN'T gonna happen!

WORK is this man's #1 priority.

When ANY WOMAN tells a man that he has to choose between HER and the work that HE LOVES TO DO...the woman will usually end up holding "the short straw!" .

Here's the reason why:

Forcing ANY OF US to make a choice between OUR WORK and OUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU is a clear indication that you'll become 'a bully' after a few years of marriage have rolled over. It's an easier choice for many men to tell a woman to GET LOST instead of jeopardizing his income.

And....with sincerest apologies to my many ivillage lady friends...MOST OF US WON'T PUT UP WITH THIS SORT OF CRAPPY ATTITUDE...no matter how 'enchanting' the woman in our life may (or may not) BE?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:52am
In response to pianoguy, you must have misread the message. She asked if he could make her and her children #1 to his friends and sports. I'm sure she wouldn't be as bothered if he spent half of the free time that he spends on sports and his friends on her. I personally think that he is being selfish, and I know what you mean when you talk about the caniving and sheepinsh laugh that men have when they really don't care how you feel. I am no expert, but from what you posted it seems like he would rather play in the streets than spend personal time with you. If he thinks your trying to control him by asking him to make you the priority in his life, after you've been together for a long period of time, then maybe you should evaluate what this relationship means to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 1:01pm

zeek sunshynz...

First...Pianoguy thinks your ivillage name is VERY COOL.

Maybe a definition for the word: PRIORITY is in order here?

I always thought it meant putting something (or someone) AHEAD OF ANYTHING OR ANYBODY else?

The impression I got from this lady's post was that she EXPECTED his complete attention? If I misread this...you have my apologies.

There's absolutely NOTHING WRONG with a man prioritizing one woman over all the others who may (or may not) be available....but how can ANY MAN BE EXPECTED to provide 100% attention to somebody...when it's obvious that the work he wishes to do "is clearly his mistress?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 7:55pm

Hey there, chic-girl. Only you know what's really going on in your relationship, but this is my perspective from what I've read.

Your boyfriend is not interested in getting more serious with you. He doesn't even sound all that interested in the relationship you have right now. If it were me, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

Work is work, and sometimes there's nothing can be done about that. But nobody said "I wish I would have spent more time at the office away from my family" on their deathbed. This guy is clearly showing you his priorities, and it is obvious you are not one of them.

I would take some time investing in yourself -- is there a reason you'd subject yourself to someone who smirks when you cry? Take time to figure out what you want to do with life, and don't let him tell you where you're doing.

Regardless of what you choose to do in your relationship, I think that's an important step to take, especially if you have two children. You don't want to inadvertantly teach them to put up with a so-so relationship, or that they need validation from someone else before making decisions in their life.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I hope you're happier now than when you posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:29pm

Hi-

The priority was used in my posting was to make "US" A priority rather rather his friends on his days off of work because we rarley have time to spend . I know he works alot and no one ways asking him to chose his work over me nor was I bulling him I was asking him to put us first to allow us to grow as a couple when he is off of work .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:36pm
Thank you for being direct I am reviewing the relationship right now. I am considering leaving because of his desire to try with me and the kids and often think "WHY BE HERE IF HE'S DONE TRYING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP" thanks for your support................. will keep u posted