Is He Afraid to Commit?
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| Mon, 03-27-2006 - 6:21pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I am still in college (I live about 600 miles away), and he is done with college and living with his parents. We try to see eachother as much as we can- it is usually me going to see him, because he is usually pretty busy with work. My school schedule is pretty flexible, so I try to fly there as much as I can.
He has told me hundreds of times that I am the girl he wants to marry, and he wants to stay with me forever. He's always saying "when we have kids.." or "when we're married.." Even when we are in a huge fight and if he is so mad at me, he still says that he wants that.
There have been a few times though, where he has broken up with me b/c he was so mad at me- then decided he wasn't serious and wants to still be with me. We had a big falling out about 4 months ago, and I broke up with him. He never came to visit me, and I felt like he wasn't making any effort. We were apart for about 2 weeks. I really do love him and realized that I can't be without him, so we got back together. When we got back together, he said that he wants to be married within the next 3 years and as soon as I'm finished with college- he wants us to live together. I believed him.
Anyway, I am finishing college soon- and I have been trying to talk to him about what we are going to do when I am done. I told him I don't want to stay this far away from him (my family no longer lives near him), so we should talk about what our options are. He dismisses it and says we'll deal with it when it happens, but I don't understand why he is so afraid to talk about it- he gets annoyed with me when I bring it up. I reminded him that he told me we would live together, but I can't tell if he just said that to get me back? He avoids the topic like the plague.
He took me on vacation last week and we had a pretty good time. He refused to let me pay for anything- I really felt like he was making an attempt to show me a different side of him. Yet again, a few days after we got back - I tried talking to him about our plans, he got furious with me and said I'm annoying. I didn't talk about living together, I talked about what we can do for the summer.
I'm really starting to question his intentions. He has a group of friends who he rarely sees (he tells me that he stays home every weekend and never goes out with them- I believe him b/c I talk to him every night for hours). They all cheat on their girlfriends, do drugs, and god knows what else. They're absolute playboys. He's known them since he was a kid, so he claims he is nothing like them- but he can't shake them off b/c he's known them forever.
He told me yesterday that he is going on vacation with them the week before my birthday. They are going to Vegas. We were supposed to go away for my birthday that weekend, b/c I will be in class on my birthday. I reminded him of that, and he said he can do whatever the f*** he wants, whenever he wants- I'm not his wife and I can't tell him what to do.
I told him he can go, but it just makes me SO uncomfortable knowing that he is going there with all his cheating drug using friends. He said if they go to clubs and hang out with girls, he'll do his own thing. I told him I don't want to go away with my friends (it's a big birthday for me, I'm turning 21), and I want to go away with him- like we planned.
I'm devestated because I feel like he has promised me so much, and now all of the sudden he is turning on me. I asked him today if he still wants to stay with me and he told me of course, he loves me so much. He tried acting very nice to me today, despite what has been happening for the last few days.
I am so confused, can anyone offer some advice? Thank you!!!!

Hi Rlx
I can't really answer why he's acting like he is....because only he knows the answer. However, I will turn the question around.
Why are you continuing to date someone who has so little regard for your need to know what direction your future will take? Also, if he's got such little respect for you in this situation, can you imagine how difficult it will be if/when you do live together?
You can't alter his actions - but you can alter your own. If his behaviour is unacceptable, rather than trying to fix it - it is often better to just leave. The fact that you've already broken up a number of times is evidence that the two of you are not a match made in heaven.
People often say that relationships need work - but hon, they aren't referring to the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. When you're not married, you look for someone who's Mr Perfect. And you marry him. And THEN you work on your relationship. But one shouldn't plan to settle down with someone when their relationship is already faulty.
And one other thing that people say is "all relationships have their ups and downs". This is not true. Good relationships don't have these rollercoaster rides of happiness/unhappiness.