Is he afraid or not interested?
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Is he afraid or not interested?
| Sun, 06-05-2005 - 7:47pm |
So, I need your help. I have a friend who I would very much like to make "more than a friend", but I'm confused. He is a flirt with everyone, but it seems like there's something more between us. Whenever we're out in a group, it always ends up just the two of us sitting and chatting and enjoying each other's company. When our group of friends goes out, he always calls me to find out what's going on. Other people have even noticed our chemistry and suggested that we get together. But that's it. When we're together it feels like we're flirting, but this has been going on for a couple of months (since we've known each other) and he still hasn't asked me out. He's made comments over and over about dating and flirting but then doesn't call. He's a bit older than I am and has been hurt in his past couple of relationships and even says things about being afraid to ask women out because he knows they'll just say no. So what do I do? With the exception of just asking him out myself, I've given him every opportunity and every sign that I like him, but I feel like the efforts all on my part. Am I hoping for something that will never be there? or Am I dealing with a man who just doesn't have the self-confidence to ask me out and needs me to be more forward? I'd like to keep some dignity in this situation, so I'm saving asking him out as a last resort. . . but I'm almost there. Thanks for any advice/help!!!

Hi Faith,
I say this with a lot of love: if he were interested, he would ask you out. He's known you for two months and you've given him signs and it's obvious that he enjoys your company....and he hasn't asked you out. Well, there's your answer.
You need to have faith in yourself, Faith, and believe that you are so beautiful and special that any sane man would ask you out if he really likes you. Don't ask him out at all. He's had enough opportunities.
Also, based on what you said, he seems to have low self-esteem and a poor self-image and it can be really exhausting to go out with someone who doesn't like himself. It's emotionally draining.
Have faith that there is a guy out there who would recognise how special you are and ask you out.
I've asked guys out in the past (many years ago) when I had low self-esteem and was very desperate for a relationship and it never worked out. They would say yes and we would go out for a while, but it always became obvious that their hearts weren't in the relationship and to save myself humiliation and hurt feelings, I would have to break off the relationships.
Read this book "He's just not that into you". It's very helpful and I think you would learn a lot from it.
I'd just like to say that I'm in that exact same situation!! Isn't it so frustrating? The best advice I've gotten so far is to keep busy and keep on enjoying your life. It's probably true that if he liked you, he would have asked you out by now. It's hard to accept, but actions do speak louder than words! Consider him a friend and move on. Find someone who likes you as much as you like him!
I have to say I agree with everyone else. I too WAS in the same boat and have been for about a year now, I became so into 2 different guys(not at the same time of course) But what it amounted to is I was more interested than they were and I just didn't see it until a couple of ladies here pointed it out to me. And everyone is right, when A guy is TRUELY interested he will let you know. I wasted a lot of time and energy chasing after one of these guys when all he wanted was a friendship, which is fine but I was convinced that he was "scared" he had just gotten out of a relationship where the ex REALLY reefed him over(He got called to Iraq for 2 years and when he came home his now ex-wife had all of his stuff packed on the porch, another guy moved into their house and their kids were calling this new guy "daddy) Same kinda thing with the other guy I was interested in, but a different situation of course. I got recommended the same book by some women I haven't read it but I do get the point now. I think I just over-analize emotions too much and decided that it would just be a good idea to "move on" A LOT of women here have told me that Mr. right will most likely manifest himself when I least expect it. Worrds I now live by, trust me it is a lot more relaxing to just keep moving on with life. I can enjoy it a lot more now and I am not sooo frustrated all of the time trying to read into what the guy is thinking.
Good-Luck!
Betty
I'm going to give you the opposite advice to the other posters. I made all the first moves with my last boyfriend. That boyfriend and I have now been together for 13 years and have two beautiful children.
I do know men who are simply too shy to ask out a woman. Or in the case of your man, he's already admitted that he's worried about rejection. It doesn't mean that they he's not interested - it means that they have issues with risking rejection. No matter how many signals you give, the man cannot risk the loss of dignity of her saying "no". I'm sure you could appreciate that ;-) The book "He's just not that into you" does have a lot of common sense, but it doesn't do the shy man justice.
There are other people who cannot pick up flirting signals unless they're hit over the head with them. They're simply people who aren't good at subtleties. While may think that you're being obvious, he may simply not be getting it. However, if you date one of these guys, be aware that they also won't pick up hints about your needs within the relationship. If you have needs that are not being met, you have to come right out and say so - not drop hints.
If you want to date him, then ask him out. Yes, you are risking your dignity - but that's not different to what you expect him to do ;-)
Edited 6/6/2005 3:30 am ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Hello Aisha,
I agree with you. I've known so many different people over the years with different situations. One book cannot define every man. I think that there are are some men that are very shy and some that just want to play. I'd pay attention to what kinds of relationships they have with others. Are they generally flirtatious with woman? Are they telling you that they want to be married or looking for a relationship. And there can be other factors. Sometimes guys will drop hints to you. For example, the guy that I like is always telling me that he wants to get married. I know that he's not looking to play. But we work together which makes it so risky and I know that for myself, I cannot put myself on the line, because if he rejects me, I still have to go to work, and I don't want to have to quit. On the other hand, he's the owner, and if I reject him, that would probably look ever worse. But, I guess in my case, I am just gonna' have to wait & see, cuz' if it's meant to be, it will be. And I am more afraid of rejection than this guy.
Mysterious32