Is he being honest with me???????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Is he being honest with me???????
28
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 5:14pm

Happy New Year to all!! Here I am again with my first problem of the new year! LOL

Any of you that have read my post know that I have been dating a guy but not exclusively for the past 5 months off and on. Well we talked before the holidays and he informed me that yes, I was the only one he was seeing now and sleeping with. I was so very happy!! But now the part you all warned me off has come to surface---- How do I trust him ???How do I know he was honest with me or that he wont end up back with her and hurting me again???

We spent from 8am yesterday till about 12PM with each other. We had a wonderful morning together. He said he too was staying in for New Years eve with his kids, and that he'd call me. Well I never heard from him, so I called this morning around 1130 and left him a voicemail, wishing him well and asked that he call me back. Well Its 430 now and I still havent spoke to him.

I dont know if its just me being insecure and making to big a deal out of things, but its a holiday, and when you care about someone, you call and say Happy New Year! Maybe hes just busy with his kids, I dont know. But a part of me starts thinking the worst, like here we go, he lied to me! I dont want to feel this way and I dont know what to do.

I decided that I wont call him again. That much I know, no matter how hard that is. He owes me the return call now! Only problem is I cant enjoy my day, because tears start to build up in my eyes. Its not like him to turn me off all day like this. Anybody have any ideas?? And do I say anything when I do hear from him? Or do I leave it alone for fear of pushing him too far and too fast?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 6:13pm
Well if it's not like him then don't worry. The fun part is when he finally does "find the time" to call YOU get to play "hard to get" and ignore it and call him back the next day. That's the logical advice. I honestly would wait util he called me twice and call him back whenever it was. Hope I helped!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 8:41pm

Is that really the only question you need answered? What if the answer is "yes" but he silently means "for now"?

What if you're the only woman in his life, but he has no intention of ever progressing beyond a sex and companionship but no commitment type of relationship?

I think you would do much better to focus on what you are looking for in a relationship, and finding out if you're on the same page FIRST, then focus on the exclusivity issue.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:30pm

Sheri,

Your right, thats not the only question I have on my mind. I would like to know if we are on the same page. The truth is, I can see myself in an exclusive relationship now, but Im not sure myself if I want to marry again one day or not. Im not ready to make that choice just yet. At this point in my life, after a divorce,which isnt final until March, I cant look that far ahead. I do know I have feelings for him, and its obvious he has them for me. He just doesnt express them verbally too well. He has said in the past that he has feeling invested in this relationship too, and that he cares very much for me.
So I guess theres really no other way to deal with this than to spend the time talking. Even if we only get so far the first time, that would be so much better than wondering.

This guy I dated before, when I was seeing others, has started emailing, and calling and wants to have dinner with me. But my heart right now is with someone else. And yet, maybe thats why I also need to have this talk. Because I dont want to put my life on hold for someone if its not a mutual thing. This other guy had treated me wonderful, it was just one of those bad timing things. He knows Im seeing someone, but told me he wont just give up that easy. I feel guilty for even picking up the phone, which I know is silly.

Ill be sure to let you know how things go on Thursday night. Thanks so much for listening and helping me out. Without this board and someone like you, I dont know how I would get these feelings out and deal with them. I just wish I knew how I let myself fall in love again, I promised myself 2 years ago, it would never happen again when my marriage ended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:51pm

<< But I plan to just blurt it out and say .... Am I the only woman in your life?
If he tells me yes thats great, if he tells me no, then I have prepared myself to move on with my life.>>

If he tells you "yes" that's great ... but, please be aware that he could just be telling you "yes." Perhaps my position is a little biased, only YOU know how to tell if he's really being honest with you or not, whether or not you can trust his answer as an HONEST answer ... but, your situation is similiar to something that a friend of mine went thru (only the guy was still married, and she knew he was still married when she started dating him; however, he told her his divorce was "finally final" when in fact his wife was trying to get back with him and he went back with her, and ended up still dating my friend while attempting to reconcile with his wife, ha! That went on for several months, unbeknownst to my friend (and the wife), that she thought he was divorced and the only woman in his life. His non-ex-wife-wife ended up finding out about her, based on her own suspicions/fact-finding missions, and that was the end of it.

I think the only reason it went on for as long as it did without her knowing was that, initially, since he WAS in the process of divorce, he lived in his own place. Of course, when he said he was moving, that didn't in and of itself raise any concerns to my friend (I mean, people move all the time, right?), but ... while the move itself wasn't a lie, WHERE he was moving certainly was! There were a lot of little things after that that started to seem "odd" to her (ie, he moved in with a roommate and said he didn't have alot of privacy so ... she never saw his "new apartment" for those additional couple months ... and when she'd complain to us that his new place seemed "off limits", she'd seem disappointed but would say "well, he told me he hasn't unpacked everything yet" and stuff like that ... it was always an excuse or a half-baked truth). I mean, after all, she thought he was divorced ... it STUNNED her that he'd actually been seeing his wife again and moved back in with her.

So, yes ... he was a liar. And yes ... she did have some part in the outcome, considering that she started seeing him when he wasn't yet divorced ... which is why I'd never date a guy whose ink isn't dry on the papers (and yes, I do realize that you're not yet divorced either ...and while YOU know that there's no chance of going back to him ... there is a risk involved when dating someone who's not yet legally single) ... and unfortunately, the guy my friend was with wasn't an honest guy.

(as an aside, not to say that there's anything GOOD about another person's pain, as we get older ... I am grateful for being able to learn something from other's experiences so that I know what to look for and NOT do ... funny how as we get older, we can experience these things vicariously ... as with age and time come more and more experiences ... without having to endure it ourselves).

Moral of the story is: since you knew he had a GF when you started seeing him ... if he could do it WITH you, he could do it TO you. Personally, I don't know if I could trust the character of a guy who would be willing to start something up with me BEFORE ending things with his GF ... that is, because he was willing to keep you a secret from her ... why would he not be willing to keep her a secret from you ... and lead you to believe you now have a "one and only" relationship so that he can continue burning the candle at both ends? You already know he's capable of "hiding things" ... he hid you from her. So, be careful here.

That said, if you can trust his answer alone, that's up to you. My previous advice still stands: find out on your own the answer to that.

I'd asked previously, how well do you know his friends? Has he introduced you to family yet? If you don't have much interaction with his friends after this many months, I'd be skeptical. Keep in mind, his friends aren't going to "rat him out." They'll keep their loyalty to their buddy before they'd ever think of pulling you aside and saying "here's what you need to know."

But, if he doesn't bring you around his friends much, that might be because he doesn't want THEM to feel awkward about having to keep his secret (that is, if he's still seeing the other girl whom he was seeing before you). If he's not seeing her, after this much time that you've been seeing him, there's really no good reason for you to not be mingling with his friends. Use that as a gauge, but not the only gauge ... since interaction with his friends isn't going to tell the whole story. That just means that they're loyal to him if he is seeing both of you.

His kids are another story. That's where I'd start, if I were you. Let him know that you'd like to meet his kids (I don't recall how old they are?) ... if he's reluctant, of course, listen to his reasons why and let us know what he says.

You see, he'll trust his buddies to not rat on him ... but, kids ... nah. They don't understand adult relationships and he may not want to "risk" letting them meet you as they might have a slip of the tongue about "Daddy's new friend" if/when around the other woman (whom they've known for a long time, right?) But, again ... not sure how old they are as to determine how much "risk" they might be in terms of saying something they shouldn't say.

By no means am I saying "use the kids" ... rather, use his willingness or reluctance to introduce them to you as a gauge. After this many months, if you let him know that it's important to you to meet his children, and he hedges ... I'd take that as a red flag.

Let us know what you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 6:45pm

Well I read your post and those before you. I feel that you are being a bit harsh. I only say this, because, not every situation is the same. I appreciate your advice Starbuck, but there isnt a person on this earth who hasnt been dishonest in their life. I believe that everyone starts with a clean slate. As far as me, he has always been upfront and honest with me. He never made me any promises and he let me know he was attached to someone else.

This whole thing started and ended as two lonely people, unhappy with life. We became friends before lovers. Then after it ended it started again as friends. It slowly worked its way to this point. I dont really believe that she is still in his life, but I could be wrong, and I need to hear it for myself from him.

So heres the plan,

On Friday Im sitting him down to have a long talk, wether he chooses to talk or not (as hes not much for serious talk), because at this point, it has to be about ME and what I NEED not what makes him comfortable.

1. Im asking him if I am the only woman in his life
2. Depeneding upon his response, which if its a yes, then the conversation will go on to
other questions I have. Like when may I come to your home? When will I meet your
children? When she was involved with him, its understandable that I was the secret
but if thats changed, then I think its time for other changes. I allow him in my
home, he has met my children, and if we are to continue to have a relationship, I
think I deserve the same courtesy back. AM I WRONG? I think that a should know more
about his life. I mean we have known each other since June.

Now for the if its a No response. Then I plan to tell him, that I am in no way putting demands on him or backing him into a corner. I the ONE that needs to make the decision for myself. I am the one that needs to do whats best for me,and for my future. It is pointless and hurtful to be in a relationship that is one sided in the feelings department. I have grown very attached, and I think I may have fallen in love with him. That will be the hard part, but I cant subject myself to a life like this. I will then tell him to give me my time and space to think. Theres an old saying something about
"if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was yours to have etc etc etc."
I deserve to be loved back. Im not tooting my own horn, but Im a good honest,loving, affectionate, caring woman. And I deserve that back in my life. Ive had enough pain and I want the good. But I have control over the good, and if I leave myself in a bad situation then I deserve every ounce of pain I get.

Let me know what you all think, you to Sheri!

PS starbuck, you know those friends of his, Ive never a one of them. Ive been phone introduced when they come around and we are on the phone. The "im talking to my girl" or a few times a couple them actually wanted to say Hi! I had two tell me hes a great guy, thats just had a bad experience, dont give up on him Sue, hang in there, he cares about you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 7:19pm

Well, as I've said, I don't really think that's a good question to begin with or focus on, but I won't repeat what I've said in previous posts. But if you feel that's what you need to ask, and that he will be honest with you, then that's what counts.

But I hadn't realized that he was cheating on someone with you when you started seeing each other. I thought he was in non-exclusive relationships with both of you and both of you knew that, but it sounds like she thought it was exclusive, is that right? I understand where you're coming from with wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, but cheating is too much of a hot button issue for me to be lenient with him about that. There are different degrees of dishonesty, some of which are tolerable and others of which are not.

But regardless of where one stands on that issue, I do think that you might be a little naive to expect that he will be honest with you now that you are (apparently) in the GF position, rather than the other woman position.

Good luck with the talk and let us know how it goes.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 9:51pm

<< I feel that you are being a bit harsh. I only say this, because, not every situation is the same. >>

This is true. Not every situation is the same. Mainly because the people in the situations are different. The situations themselves aren't all that different -- again, mainly because of human nature ... the motivations, intentions, etc of people in any given situation aren't all that different.

It's a person's values that determine their character. Values such as honesty, fidelity, trust, etc. A person who is secure in their values isn't motivated to lower their standard of conduct in how they live their values ... regardless of situation or circumstance.

So, when I said "if he could do it with you, he could do it to you" ... means that, it wasn't his situation with his previous GF (benefit of the doubt) that caused him to start up a relationship with you before he left her (again, benefit of the doubt that he's done so) ... it's that he wasn't valuing his relationship with her, he wasn't valuing being honest with her, and he certainly wasn't being trustworthy with her whle he was seeing you (unbeknownst to her). A person of high standards and character would LEAVE a relationship before starting another one, would you not agree?

That said, you can most certainly choose to disagree with that ... and you can most certainly view that as "harsh" if you'd like. However, you can also feel free to defend him and the situation and poke holes in what I've said above, and I'll take no offense to that. Because, as I see it, if he was seeing you while still with her ... how does that make him an honest, trustworthy, faithful person?

<< there isnt a person on this earth who hasnt been dishonest in their life. >>

That's true, and it's up to you to decide what levels of honesty or dishonesty are acceptable to you. That's not my call or anyone's but yours. However, IMO, honest people are honest people ... with everyone ... not honest with whomever I feel like being honest with today. "I'll be honest with my new GF but not the one I've been seeing for 'x' number of years" doesn't hold much water in my book. But, again ... that's up to you whether or not you want to be with someone who's situationally honest or if you want to be with someone who's just plain 'ol honest with everyone.

<< He never made me any promises and he let me know he was attached to someone else. >>

Ok, this may sound harsh ... but, I can't really think of any other way to say it ... if you want to pin a medal on the guy for being honest with you while aware that he was being dishonest with someone else, that's something to ask yourself of why that was OK WITH YOU?

I guess all I'm saying is that, if a guy said he was still attached to someone else, despite the attraction he and I had ... for the sake of maintaining my own self-esteem, I'd say "ok, let me know when you no longer have a girlfriend."

<< We became friends before lovers. Then after it ended it started again as friends.>>

Ok, so, if you became friends before lovers, you had an "emotional connection" without the physical one, it was still unbeknownst to her, right? Just because there was "no sex" doesn't make it right if he was having an "emotional affair" up until the point of which you guys ended things (I'm going to infer that it ended initially because the situation was complicated?) ... but resumed AFTER he told you she was out of the picture?

<< I believe that everyone starts with a clean slate. >>

So, tells you that you're now the only one and he gets a clean slate. Let's say for "benefit of the doubt sake" ... you told him "let me know when you no longer have a GF" when you guys ended things before. And, he does that ... well, then sure, you take that at face value ...but, you also ensure that actions are in alignment with his words. The proof's in the pudding!

But, where's the "proof" that you deserve in order to give him this clean slate? Hon, it sounds like you don't have that much access to his life.

<< As far as me, he has always been upfront and honest with me. >>

Based on what he says ... but, how much do you really know? You can say "he's always been honest with me" ... but, let's review: the subject of your post is "Is he being HONEST with me?" ... so, are you changing your stance and deciding that today you trust him 100% and you KNOW he's being honest with you ... when, just a few days ago, you started this post with uncertainty.

Yes, I'm being tough here ... I suppose only because I saw a very good friend of mine get her heart ripped out by something very similiar ... someone who said all the right things, but when it came down the proof of it, she didn't see the signs. Actually, she saw them, she just chose to ignore them because she trusted that he was being honest despite starting things out in a less-than-desireable situation.

<< When she was involved with him, its understandable that I was the secret
but if thats changed, then I think its time for other changes.>>

I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding how its "understandable" to be kept a secret and why that was acceptable to you? I CAN understand that you're coming out of unhappy marriage and going thru a divorce; however, PERHAPS it was your need to just "feel good" again that allowed you to accept something that, if you were in a higher place of confidence and happiness, would logically be so NOT acceptable or understandable. KWIM? In which case, that has more to do with you and where you are/were in your life -- that said, you might want to evaluate for YOU why that was "understandable" to you.

<< Im asking him if I am the only woman in his life >>

If I were you, I'd skip the "am I the only woman in your life? question. Why? It's a closed-ended question. Stick to open-ended questions that require more than a "yes" or no" answer.

In addition to that, saying "am I the only woman?" is a question that's motivated by fear and insecurity. What you don't want to do is ask questions that come from a place of sounding insecure. That is, unless you want to freak him out, lower your status and give him the power to determine where the relationship stands. What you DO want to do is ask questions that come from a place of confidence ...which leads me to the following.

<< at this point, it has to be about ME and what I NEED not what makes him comfortable. >>

Then, rather than asking an insecure question ... why not just STATE what you need. Skip that other question and just ask << when may I come to your home? When will I meet your
children? >> ... "because that's what I NEED in order to know that we're in this relationship on a mutual level."

<< I deserve the same courtesy back. AM I WRONG? I think that a should know more
about his life. I mean we have known each other since June. >>

Yes, you do deserve the same courtesy back. No, you're not wrong for that. Yes, you should know more about his life. I wasn't aware that you hadn't been to his home yet? Since June? (red flag alert, sorry ... but, how is that acceptable or understandable? I just don't get it). What REASONS does he have for not having you over to his home? I could understand protecting his kids early in a relationship, not wanting to introduce them until things are more progressed, but his home ... what's he got to hide? (sorry, just reminds me too much of my friend's situation ... if I smell a skunk, I call it a skunk. I don't spray rosewater on it so it smells better, kwim?)

<< And I deserve that back in my life. Ive had enough pain and I want the good. But I have control over the good, and if I leave myself in a bad situation then I deserve every ounce of pain I get. >>

Yes, you do deserve the good. We all do. So, why put yourself in bad or less-than situations when you can have the GOOD. From what you've said, you've been seeing him since June ... even if it didn't start out the way it did, he's still not inviting you into his life ... his home, his kids, his friends; thus, he doesn't sound too "available." Perhaps he'll say that's because you're not yet divorced. Which, if he IS still seeing her, makes you "safe haven" for having another relationship with since he's got an 'easy spin' out of his situation by pointing it back your way. He can excuse his own unavailability by saying that you're not 100% available either since you're not legally single. See what I mean? If you were completely without strings, he'd have no viable excuses.

Again, please take no offense in my "harshness" ... it's only coming from a place of concern because I'd hate to see you get burned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 5:52am

Starbuck,

I dont know what to say after reading your post, except THANK YOU!! Thank you for taking the time to share all of this with me and for caring about another human being that you dont even know.

I read your post 2x's and Ill be honest, I cried. Ive made many mistakes, and I have to find a way to fix them now. Its not UNDERSTANDABLE and its not ACCEPTABLE behavior, not to me either. I guess you could say I settled for someone and something at a time when I was lonely and vulnerable.

My stbx, carried on an affair, with a friend of mine. He left me and the kids behind for her.You can imagine has destroyed I was, and what that did to my self confidence. When he was done with her within a month or two he had another woman and moved in with her. All this within a years time. Every where I went, school functions, walks, store, there he always was with another woman on his arm. And the truth was I was alone, so maybe I accepted what I could have, just so I could feel better about me.

Ive learned over the past few months that you dont need another person in your life to be happy. Ive learned to be happy with myself, my children, my family and friends. JUST maybe thats why, Im having so many thoughts, concerns and second thoughts about this relationship. Maybe Im starting to heal and Im looking back and saying "what am I doing".

"In addition to that, saying "am I the only woman?" is a question that's motivated by fear and insecurity."

This one is right on the money Starbuck, because after all isnt that what Im dealing with? My own fears and insecurities? But Im glad you brought this up, because, I dont want to sit with him and look like "POOR ME"! Im better than that and I want to shine!!
So Im going with your way and Im just goona start with a simple "What are we doing here?"
Ill say weve been together along time and when do you think I could meet the kids, come to your home? and take it from there.

Thanks again, and if I have anyother thoughts or questions along the way today, Ill post them, and maybe you can guide me a little further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 11:37am

<< I dont know what to say after reading your post, except THANK YOU!! Thank you for taking the time to share all of this with me and for caring about another human being that you dont even know.

I read your post 2x's and Ill be honest, I cried.>>

You're welcome. While it's certainly not my intention for anyone to cry, I do know sometimes a good cry is a good thing ... tears are for releasing ... and just perhaps, it was the start of releasing your insecurities.

Sounds like you know what you need to do, and I'm glad you were receptive to my suggestions. It will be hard, and probably a little scary, but ... it's impossible to regret doing what you need to do because all that means is that you are taking care of YOU. And in taking care of you, we don't always get what we want or hear what we want to hear, but we get what we need (Rolling Stones said that one well!)

And just perhaps, in approaching this conversation, he'll be receptive and start letting you in. All you can do is gauge his actions and willingness, regardless of whether she's in the picture or not ... and know what YOU need to feel like you're part of his life.

That said, I hope that it turns out for the best for you and he starts opening up and letting you in. With that, you could very well have that "clean slate" you mentioned ... and put the other stuff behind you guys ... if you know you can trust him based not just on his words, but his actions.

Keep us posted. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 10:57pm

Hey flick, I was responding to another poster and I thought of you as I typed this. Just because you have talked to friends does not mean they are ok and them telling you he has been hurt, etc.... That does not mean anything. As I typed it for another poster I thought of how I am with one of my friends and I have told a guy for a girlfriend and girl for my guy friend same thing. Didn't mean that when we were together I did not give my opinion on how they were from instances they have told me. For instances my guy friend he had a girl really in love with him, I always let her know how great guy he really was and to dismiss a lot of his behavior. But, here goes the bad from what he told me about her he got negative vibes because I would disagree or not like something in that instance also (yes there is more) though I did not tell the girl but my friend had issues way beyond what I mentioned and over the years I revealed some but not all. My friend he is still single she still tries to get close to him but I know she won't because of how he is but it would be a breach of trust on our friendship if I were to tell her more. I feel bad she tries everything to get him to open up invite her to family gatherings but he will not because of these skeletons I will call them. But, more issues that he needs to get over but hasn't in the almost 10 yrs I've known him.


Now Flick, I have been happy since he has gotten rid of this girl and I have been reading your posts about what your conversation is going to be. But, I hope you think more on the other posts here and really give your go for all. I just posted and now I am thinking that post on where to go would help you on what questions to ask next. But, I know tonight is the night and you get the closure you need. Please let us know how it goes.

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