He changed/I'm really upset
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He changed/I'm really upset
| Mon, 12-21-2009 - 10:07am |
So my fiance finally proposed to me last week! Great right?! I don't know anymore. I am happy that he proposed but now it seems as though everything is bothering me. It started yesterday. We went to his brother's house to see him and his g/f for a little while. While there, he stood up and didn't say two words to me the whole time we were there, while his brother and his g/f (who have been together longer) sat next to each other happily holding hands and talking. Later, the four of us went to dinner. While he did sit next to me, he barely spoke to me and didn't hold my hand or touch me once. I tried showing him affection, only for him to ignore it. And of course, I look across from us to see his brother and his g/f holding hands, talking, looking happy. The few times I tried being in the conversation, he didn't even pay attention. Also, he got something that me and his brother's g/f both wanted to try. He told us both he would let us try some. Well he didn't let me, but when we got home I asked if he let her and he said that he did while I was in the bathroom. When it was time to go, his brothers g/f wanted dessert and I told my fiance that I did too. Well, I got up to go to the bathroom and when I got back, she had already ordered some and my fiance said that he already paid the bill and wanted to go. WTH? I started thinking about it and realized that he isn't as affectionate toward me at all anymore. Especially around other people. If we are at his family's or friends house, he will barely talk to me and doesn't even sit by me. I seriously feel left out and ignored and all I see is everyone else holding hands and having a great time with their significant other's. I brought it up on the way home and he says that I am over exaggerating....I know I'm not. Up until about a month ago, he would hold my hand and cuddle with me at home all the time. Not anymore....I don't understand why and I am so upset. I have wanted to cry since yesterday. Why has he changed so much? What bugs me the most is how when we are around anyone, he barely talks to me, let alone shows me affection or acknowledge that I am even there. Why? Someone please help me understand....
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So this no cuddling, no affection in public, no talking to you at family functions - this has been going on for one month now?
Before, would you say it was at a level that you liked (the cuddling, touching, etc)? As in you like how it was just as it was, but now, suddenly it's changed?
You see a future marriage that is very affectionate in public and private. You see a spouse who is engaged in what his partner says/thinks and thinks of little things for you (like ordering your dessert for you).
(BTW, was he like this at all prior to this one month?)
Ask him if he sees the same thing for his future marriage. How does he envision what you'll be like together?
A guy who dismisses that you have an issue and want to bring it up is a red flag.
So either you get it out of him, the honest truth about where this is going (maybe he wants to take back that proposal and is being standoffish). I also suggest you get some pre-marital counseling if you are serious about continuing with this. Because being shot down by being told you're exaggerating (when you no you are not) then proceeding with a marriage is going to be the first step in a not so great direction.
"The 1st time I met his family, his arm was around me and he sat next to me and spoke with me the whole time that we were there. "
I'm trying to understand for how long your boyfriend showed you the amount of affection you liked versus how long he hasn't been showing you the affection you like. You said here that he did it the first time you met his family. How about the other times after that? Did it go downhill right away? Was he affectionate only in the very, very beginning?
People can either not agree that there is an issue, or they can avoid even talking about the issues. It sounds like your boyfriend just doesn't want to talk about the issue because he hasn't flat out said, "What? I think we're plenty affectionate!" And avoiding a conversation is not a good sign. I feel it's a deeper issue like he doesn't want to get married.
Has anything changed about you? Are you being demanding/nit-picky? Are you being someone you feel that someone else would want to be affectionate to?
Regardless, I think that you have an issue on your plate. Maybe you need a 3rd party counseling. If you can't resolve this issue, I'm afraid moving forward with marriage is not a good idea.
What else does he dodge talking about in general? Are you intimate? What about after he proposed? What was that like? See if he can open up about how he envisions his future marriage. Try it from that angle rather than the "You never touch me any more!!" angle. If you can't make progress, it's a bad sign.
I'm confused, you said you have been more happy since the proposal, but then you are upset about how he doesn't show you any affection an hasn't in the last 2 months. From this side of the computer screen, it doesn't match up.
Perhaps he's just not a touchy feely guy. Maybe it's really hard for him to show his feelings like that. I don't know, but it alarms me if he were my boyfriend.
At the 4 month mark when you said the affection went downhill, I think new relationships are filled with lots of passion and affection if all is going well. This is a brand new relationship and usually you can't keep your hands off of each other. If you weren't passionate and affectionate in the beginning stages, when will you be?
6 months of dating seems to be a very short time to propose to someone, even if you knew each other for 3 years. You didn't know each other romantically however. When is the wedding? I think you guys need more time to learn about each other and to see if you truly are compatible in a sense that will create a happy, long marriage.
So you can sit back and see if his new attitude will formulate into lasting changes that you can live with.
I would try pre-marital counseling. You guys are still learning about each other and if you're still wanting to get married, why not be the most prepared you can be to ensure a successful marriage?
Honestly, if you are getting a different picture of your boyfriend after only 6 months of dating, then maybe he's not the guy for you. Maybe he's just showing you who he really is right now.
When people decide to get married, it's because they love exactly what they see, exactly who their partner is right now in this very instant, and they want to marry exactly that. So the first time you saw his family he was touchy, but look at what you have right now. This is who you are choosing to marry - who he is right now. If you start thinking, "Oh he'll learn to be more affectionate, he just needs time to show me, or he'll be more in love after the wedding," or anything like that, I think that is a mistake. It may not be in him but he can try, or he may never be able to show you enough so that you are satisfied. Hard to say.
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