He changed/I'm really upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
He changed/I'm really upset
14
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 10:07am
So my fiance finally proposed to me last week! Great right?! I don't know anymore. I am happy that he proposed but now it seems as though everything is bothering me. It started yesterday. We went to his brother's house to see him and his g/f for a little while. While there, he stood up and didn't say two words to me the whole time we were there, while his brother and his g/f (who have been together longer) sat next to each other happily holding hands and talking. Later, the four of us went to dinner. While he did sit next to me, he barely spoke to me and didn't hold my hand or touch me once. I tried showing him affection, only for him to ignore it. And of course, I look across from us to see his brother and his g/f holding hands, talking, looking happy. The few times I tried being in the conversation, he didn't even pay attention. Also, he got something that me and his brother's g/f both wanted to try. He told us both he would let us try some. Well he didn't let me, but when we got home I asked if he let her and he said that he did while I was in the bathroom. When it was time to go, his brothers g/f wanted dessert and I told my fiance that I did too. Well, I got up to go to the bathroom and when I got back, she had already ordered some and my fiance said that he already paid the bill and wanted to go. WTH? I started thinking about it and realized that he isn't as affectionate toward me at all anymore. Especially around other people. If we are at his family's or friends house, he will barely talk to me and doesn't even sit by me. I seriously feel left out and ignored and all I see is everyone else holding hands and having a great time with their significant other's. I brought it up on the way home and he says that I am over exaggerating....I know I'm not. Up until about a month ago, he would hold my hand and cuddle with me at home all the time. Not anymore....I don't understand why and I am so upset. I have wanted to cry since yesterday. Why has he changed so much? What bugs me the most is how when we are around anyone, he barely talks to me, let alone shows me affection or acknowledge that I am even there. Why? Someone please help me understand....

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 4:29pm

So this no cuddling, no affection in public, no talking to you at family functions - this has been going on for one month now?

Before, would you say it was at a level that you liked (the cuddling, touching, etc)? As in you like how it was just as it was, but now, suddenly it's changed?

You see a future marriage that is very affectionate in public and private. You see a spouse who is engaged in what his partner says/thinks and thinks of little things for you (like ordering your dessert for you).

(BTW, was he like this at all prior to this one month?)

Ask him if he sees the same thing for his future marriage. How does he envision what you'll be like together?

A guy who dismisses that you have an issue and want to bring it up is a red flag.

So either you get it out of him, the honest truth about where this is going (maybe he wants to take back that proposal and is being standoffish). I also suggest you get some pre-marital counseling if you are serious about continuing with this. Because being shot down by being told you're exaggerating (when you no you are not) then proceeding with a marriage is going to be the first step in a not so great direction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 4:49pm
No, it was not like this a month ago. The 1st time I met his family, his arm was around me and he sat next to me and spoke with me the whole time that we were there. I felt like he was proud to have me there with him and happy. I brought it up today, and he changed the subject. Now, he won't text me back (we have been texting b/c he is at work). All he had to say was "I thought we discussed this yesterday and were gonna move forward". He will be home in about an hour and I don't know how to act or what to say. I have a right to be upset and he is once again, ignoring me. He asked me what was wrong this morning, and when I text him back what my problem was, that was it. I didn't hear from him again until 4 hours later and the minute I brought it up again, he quit texting me, again. What do I say to him? I am not going to back down and let it go. I feel so hurt and upset...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 5:32pm

"The 1st time I met his family, his arm was around me and he sat next to me and spoke with me the whole time that we were there. "

I'm trying to understand for how long your boyfriend showed you the amount of affection you liked versus how long he hasn't been showing you the affection you like. You said here that he did it the first time you met his family. How about the other times after that? Did it go downhill right away? Was he affectionate only in the very, very beginning?

People can either not agree that there is an issue, or they can avoid even talking about the issues. It sounds like your boyfriend just doesn't want to talk about the issue because he hasn't flat out said, "What? I think we're plenty affectionate!" And avoiding a conversation is not a good sign. I feel it's a deeper issue like he doesn't want to get married.

Has anything changed about you? Are you being demanding/nit-picky? Are you being someone you feel that someone else would want to be affectionate to?

Regardless, I think that you have an issue on your plate. Maybe you need a 3rd party counseling. If you can't resolve this issue, I'm afraid moving forward with marriage is not a good idea.

What else does he dodge talking about in general? Are you intimate? What about after he proposed? What was that like? See if he can open up about how he envisions his future marriage. Try it from that angle rather than the "You never touch me any more!!" angle. If you can't make progress, it's a bad sign.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 6:47pm
We have known each other for 3 years and we have dating almost 6 months. The affection started going downhill after about 4 months. I am starting to wonder if you are right...maybe he doesn't want to get married. I didn't pressure him at all..he bought the ring all on his own, I didn't even know he was going to. But now, like I said, the affection is pretty much gone. I wrote him an email (to get it off my chest) and he said that he read it and was going to write me back right then and that was an hour ago..still no email. He is working late....go figure, and won't be home for an hour. I have not changed, that I know of. I am the same person. If anything, I have been more happy since the proposal. I thought that this was supposed to be the happy "just engaged" stage...I guess not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 10:28am
So here is an update. He emailed me back last night before he came home saying how sorry he was that he made me feel that way and that we are just going through some "growing pains" but that we will always get through them. He also said that he will do everything he can to always make me feel important, loved and wanted. He didn't however, explain why he did the things that he did. All he said was that he didn't want me to feel that way. I asked him if he saw why I felt the way that I did and agree with me and all he said was "yes, I did and I do". I don't know why he won't explain to me why he did those things or even say "I didn't purposely not share my food with you or ignore you the whole day". I even tried asking him about it when he got home, but he didn't say much about it, just got really quiet. I asked him if he didn't want to talk about it and he said that he didnt b/c he wants it to just be dropped and work on making it better. Granted, he said he was sorry and that he would try to make me feel important from now on. Last night when he got home, he cuddled with me and was all over me all night...which was really nice. I felt like I had my old b/f back! But I am worried that his new "attitude" will only last a few days, then back to the same old stuff. I did also ask if he was having second thoughts about being engaged or getting married and he said "definitely not, I am nervous, but it is a good nervous. I want to be with you forever and I know you're the one, so no, I am not having second thoughts". What do you think? I am happy that he is at least attempting to change, but will that last? Also, should I drop the whole thing and not worry about him explaining to me why he did those things? B/c like I said, he didn't want to talk about it anymore....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 3:55pm

I'm confused, you said you have been more happy since the proposal, but then you are upset about how he doesn't show you any affection an hasn't in the last 2 months. From this side of the computer screen, it doesn't match up.

Perhaps he's just not a touchy feely guy. Maybe it's really hard for him to show his feelings like that. I don't know, but it alarms me if he were my boyfriend.

At the 4 month mark when you said the affection went downhill, I think new relationships are filled with lots of passion and affection if all is going well. This is a brand new relationship and usually you can't keep your hands off of each other. If you weren't passionate and affectionate in the beginning stages, when will you be?

6 months of dating seems to be a very short time to propose to someone, even if you knew each other for 3 years. You didn't know each other romantically however. When is the wedding? I think you guys need more time to learn about each other and to see if you truly are compatible in a sense that will create a happy, long marriage.

So you can sit back and see if his new attitude will formulate into lasting changes that you can live with.

I would try pre-marital counseling. You guys are still learning about each other and if you're still wanting to get married, why not be the most prepared you can be to ensure a successful marriage?

Honestly, if you are getting a different picture of your boyfriend after only 6 months of dating, then maybe he's not the guy for you. Maybe he's just showing you who he really is right now.

When people decide to get married, it's because they love exactly what they see, exactly who their partner is right now in this very instant, and they want to marry exactly that. So the first time you saw his family he was touchy, but look at what you have right now. This is who you are choosing to marry - who he is right now. If you start thinking, "Oh he'll learn to be more affectionate, he just needs time to show me, or he'll be more in love after the wedding," or anything like that, I think that is a mistake. It may not be in him but he can try, or he may never be able to show you enough so that you are satisfied. Hard to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2009
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 2:40am
This felt like I was reading my own post... that I never posted. I had these same feelings almost two years ago, same situation when I was first engaged. RUN! don't try to stay and figure it out like I did because now I am unhappily married and too scared to leave and I am still trying to figure out what changed. I wish I could go back to where you are now and just go. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. I found out 9 months after we were engaged that what had changed was that he was still in love with his ex and talking to her 7 to 10 times a day. I almost left and he promised me change and opened up to talk to me. He told me he didn't want to be in a relationship but knew if he broke up with me that I wouldn't give him another chance so he was stringing me along. But he claimed that he was falling in love with me and I made him happy... blah, blah, blah. I had such low self confidence from him ignoring me for 9 months that I believed him and stayed. Now I'm married to him and not much has changed. He's still an emotionally and affectionatley selfish person. Please take care of number one. Take care of you and if he can't take care of you how you want then move on. There are so many men out there that would treat you like a queen. Don't settle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 9:31am
Well, since I spoke to him about it, he has been more affectionate. We went to his brother's house for Christmas and he was very affectionate with me all day. On the way home, he even asked me if he acted better. But now, you have me slightly worried. B/c the more I think about it, I realize that he is very protective of his phone. He even brings it to the bathroom with him every morning to shower. He says it is just in case work calls, but he even does it on his days off. I asked to play a game on it the other day and he said no b/c he was trying to not spend so much time on his phone around me (since I complained about him ignoring me). I am starting to wonder if maybe he IS talking to someone and that is the reasoning for his protection of his phone. Tonight, I am going to try and pick up his phone to say that I am playing a game on it and see it he flips out when I touch it. If he does, I will definitely call him out on it. 3 months ago when I brought up him being like that with his phone, he said that he has nothing to hide and that he will go through it with me anytime I ask....I will ask if he flips out tonight. Then, I will find out my answer w/out even asking him. Thank you for your advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2009
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 4:38pm
I really hope that he is just keeping his phone with him for work but that sounds fishy. My H would allow me to go through his phone but I didn't know that he was deleting all of his calls to her. I found his phone bills on line. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Wed, 12-30-2009 - 9:04am
I hope so too...but he even takes his phone everywhere on his days off. I asked him if I could look at his calendar on his phone last night to see something and after ignoring my request, I asked again. But he put it right on the calendar then handed it to me. I'm not sure what to think. I told him last night that I hope he doesn't ever do anything to hurt me (and threw in how I hope he never texts or talks to anyone behind my back) and he said he never has and never will....but what can I expect? Like he is going to really fess up right then if he was? Lol. I would love to just ask him if I can go through it, but don't want him to think that I don't trust him and get upset.

Pages