is he cheating should I be worried?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
is he cheating should I be worried?
9
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 10:38am

Hi, for the last couple days this has really really been bothering me. See I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. It has been a rocky one and we did fight and break up often but I do love him and we managed to stay together this far. When I first met him and started dating him he had this girl that was constantly texting, calling, leaving messages, etc...He never hid it from me and always told me when she was doing it and let me listen to the messages. He said he was telling me because he did not want to hide it from me and that he told her many times that he had a girlfriend and did want to see her anymore. He had told me he dated her in high school they broke up and then they messed around off and on since then inbetween me and his past girlfriend that he had. She supposedly had a boyfriend up until recently (about a couple days ago) for the last couple years. When we started dating I did not really think to much into it because we were dating not an item yet and when we became serious the phone calls and texts began to stop(from what I saw and from what he was telling me could be wrong though.)

Ok here is my problem. On Sunday we broke up. We had got into a pettite fight and he broke up with me. I did not call him until the next day in the morning. We made up I and he told me he went to a basketball game on Sunday nite (when we broke up) and that girl was there. He told everyone their that we broke up. He said she was there with her boyfriend and told her to stop texting his phone. I guess the boyfriend was angry and broke up with her (or for something not sure what just assuming). (My first thought was I had already thought she had stoped doing that monthes ago what his he talking about.) On monday afternoon she texted him a picture of herself in a thong bent over on the bed (could be in a porn magazine). He showed me and I got angry and told him that to tell her to stop it. He supposedly text her back to stop it she called him 3 times and text 4 after that telling him she wants to see him and and she has the orginals if he wants it. I told him that I really am not going to put up with her acting like this and for him to fix it. I left it alone up until yesterday. We spent the whole week together (I had off so did he). In that time she has texted and called him a thousand times saying that she wants to be with him, why is he not picking up the phone, come see her and to ditch me, she has a present for him, etc..(everytime she called he played the voice mail on speaker so I I could hear that he was not answering her.) Well yesterday she called like a million times again. starting at 7:30 in the morning. I had a hair appointment at 2:30 and she called before I told him listen this is getting out of hand and is really beginning to bother me and to tell her to stop. When she was calling I told him to answer to phone. He said no "why so you and her get into a screaming match if I ignore her she will go away". I left and came back. He told me while I was gone she called again left a message and he called her back. He told her that I was getting mad and to stop and he said she said so and that she wanted to she him and she loves him. I asked him why did he wait to talk to her until I left and why could he tell her that while I was there he said because you guys will end up screaming at each other or something like that. I let it go again. She called again like 3 times until 6:30 when I left again to go to the mall. He played her voicemails which said "to make his nite free from his girlfriend and to come see her and to please call her she wants to see him tonite." I left to finish christmas shopping up. I forgot to mention she calls from a private blocked number everytime. I am getting pissed and I wanted to see if he was telling me the truth about not answering her calls. I blocked my number and called him and he answered. I hung up I was so pissed because he said that he does not answer her calls. I got home he was there. She texted and called him again like 4 or 5 times before I went to bed. I wanted to mention that we have been fightening somewhat lately because I told him a while back I wanted to move into toghether. My sister lives with me right know so he moved out of his place lives inbetween his sister and brothers and I have aksed my sister if she would move out it was only suppose to be temperary until she got on her feet. She does not want to move ibn with my mom and dad again and she has been causing a lot of problems with him and I with my parents. (it is a whole other story.) Well to get back to what I was writing about earlier he told me when I got back that he is tired of this situation with living inbetween brother and sister it has been since end of sept. He loves me he started crying but he cant do it anymore too stressfully. I said that I tried to talk to my sister and besides taking her stuff and moving it out she does not want to go and I cant just throw her out like that. We have been kinda fightening off and on since sept about this. I told him that the only thing on my mind right know is that girl and I want it to stop. I said does he want to break up so that he can go see her. He said it is not over that stupid girl and he cant believe I think that. I told him that I was very angry about it and I want to stop it is driving me crazy know. He starts again with the I cant be with u in this situation it is not u he wants to live together and stuff and it has been since sept and he can not do this anymore. I said that I loved him and did not want to break up and that I would talk to my sister again. He said that it would not be right know to talk to her because of the holdiay and that he was fine but looked miserable. What do I do is he seeing her or am I crazy. I am not an insecure person but the calling a thousand times a day is driving me crazy. He did not tell her infront of me so I do not know what he is really saying to her cause he does not pick up the phone when I am there. What is all this about what do I do do u think he is cheating? He is with me every nite but I dont know what he is doing and saying to her when I am at work or out doing something. He has never givin me a reason to doubt him until know when he answered that phone when I called private. (by the way I asked him if she called while I was gone he said yeah but he did not answer so I am kinda doubting him.) What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 9:52am

Okay, first you need to trust your own common sense and instincts on this.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 1:36pm

But I just dont understand how any women would obsessively just start calling a guy over and over (she has even been texting him pictures of her self just about naked to him) if he was not paying her any attention or talking to her in someway. I dont know if I thnk he is cheating but I know that I could not do what she is doing especailly if he is not paying any attention to me or not answering me or basically rejecting me by saying he has a girlfriend. It just seems so weird to me. She is just really putting herself out there and I just cant see anyone doung that without some incentive or reaction out of it. How do I get this to stop? I just dont think I can deal with her doing this for monthes and monthes again. She did this when we first started dating all the time and it bothered me then too.

I kinda think he has a double standered here too. See when one of my guy friends texted me a text saying that he just wanted to tell me how beautiful that I looked that day my bf got angry and made me call up my friend in front of him to tell him that my bf was not happy with that text and not to text me like that anymore. He said if I did not do it I did not respect him and that I must be seeing him or something. He said that if I didnot do it he was going to end things with me. (he is just a friend and nothing more and this girl texts she wants to be with him and pictures of her self and call obsessively). When I told him to tell this girl to knock it off when she first started he wouldn't answer her calls. He also would not tell her infront of me to stop calling him. He said he texted it to her and he called her when I was out one day to tell her to stop it. Needless to say my guy friends do not call me like that nor text me anymore but this girl still does what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 2:04pm
sounds like he has his cake and eats it to as the old saying goes, if he was serious about telling her to stop calling / texting he would have picked up one of the calls in front of you and told her, or told you to answer the phone, men are basically simple, there really are no gray areas with men, all black or white, he has you as his girlfriend and he has someone chasing him, he may not be doing anything, but he definately enjoys it, i would tell him to please block her number it really bothers you, if he says no than ask if you can talk to her and see his response, if he says no too both than i would think hes playing you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:47pm
A women doesn't go crazy like that for no reason. He must be feeding into it somehow. I woukd give him an ultimatum. Tell him he either changes his number or sets her straight in front of you. Just like he was stern about what he wanted when the tables were turned you need to be the same way. Best of luck. Can you get a copy of his cell bill? That would prove it all. That's just my pet detective work....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 10:03am
No cant get a copy of his bill. His cell is in his brothers name and he doesnt get the bill. I did snoop though and saw that the other nite she called private and I saw her number (at least I think it is her # it is the one from the texts) in the outgoing box a little later. So he does call her too. I also saw that the pictures she sent to him are still in his phone saved when I asked him to get rid of them. I saw this Friday morning and I really did not know what to say to him because I was snooping. She still calls not as much though I was snooping yesterday and saw that she did not call him yesterday at all. I am not sure what he does when I am working and when I am not he is with me and he is with me every note. He always answers my calls to when we are not together so I dont know if he is with her or not. My trust is dwindling away because he told me he does not call her and I found out he did. BF and I also got into a huge fight the other day and it seemed like we were really going to end things. He said he talked to her and told her that we were ending things that he was so sad and he said she was trying to talk him into coming over and that I was not right for him since I am older and stuff. I dont know what to do right know. It is on my mind all the time know..


Edited 1/1/2006 10:04 am ET by crk21
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 7:29am
You know what I would do....I would of gotten on the cell phn when she called and gave her a piece of my mind......lol...........and if your boyfriend doesn't want to block her # so that she will not beable to call him...I would of gave him a piece of my mind.......what I am trying to say is that....relationships can be hard sometimes...there r problems that occur inside realtionships that r hard enough to deal with,,,much let dealing with an outside problem like that girl who keeps calling him.........and you have said over and over you don't want her calling..........there is two thing I think could happen.....1 either that girl will still be calling...or 2 your boyfriend desides to block her #...so she will stop calling....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:43am

<<>>

So, your b/f has admitted that he talks to her? Why is he sharing intimate details about your relationship w/her? It is JMHO, but I believe there is something going on between the two of them. Proceed w/caution...your heart is being played with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 9:19am
thanks I am we have been on the outs lately so I do not know anymore. I confronted him on something s this weekend and told him that I saw her number in his phone dialed out and that I iknow he is talking to her and his response was"I arleady told you I talked to her on the phone. When she calls me I tell her or call her back to tell her to stop it. If I wanted her I would be with her right know not you." He even called her infront of me to have her tell me that they are not doing anything except talking on phone once in a while and she is pursuing him. I hung the phone up on him so I did not have to hear anything I know I was just going to get mad and yell at her for calling him all the time and the pictures she sends him. It is so crazy anymore not even sure it is worth it and all the agravation. I have a lot of other problems now to worry about like his age he lied about he is only 21 and we just dont really get along. We fight a lot and argue or we dont talk at all. There is no happy medium. I am unhappy and so is he but neither one can breakup with each other cause we always end up talking again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 6:38pm

<< I am unhappy and so is he but neither one can breakup with each other cause we always end up talking again.>>

That's your choice, to not break up. You chose this relationship; therefore, you can UNCHOOSE it if it's not adding to your happiness. That's your choice. However, if you tell yourself "we can't break up because we always end up talking again" ... all you're saying is that you're addicted to the drama. Which, in our younger adult years, is so very common. Because, you're not yet equipped to deal with conflicts in relationships in a mature, rational way. This isn't a personal affront on you. It's the RARE college adult that can have a mature, adult relationship. Why? Because a mature, adult relationship requires that you're already a mature adult. That's just the way it is.

If you don't want double standards, then, be mature and disassociate with the situation .. end it. Sure, it sucks, it's hard ... but, would you rather be happy or would you rather continue in an unhappy relationship just to prove a point?