He doesn't get it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2010
He doesn't get it
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 4:12am

I have been dating a guy for 2.5 yrs.

In those 2.5 yrs, to start, I came after his last gf, who he is cosigner on a loan for and was emotionally tied to. He finally got "over" her a year into it. Then last summer he "made contact" with a girl 13 yrs younger than him. Both while I was willing to be in his life whole heartedly.

But the major thing is his hobby/2nd job...is bowling. He bowls 2-3 nights a week leagues and every night of the week drills balls for customers on his own schedule. Most night I see him AFTER 9-10pm)..and it's for 2 hrs of watching tv before he goes home to an apt with just a bed and a dog. Every moment we have "together" is based on what he has for customers or tournaments he wishes to bowl in. These are amateur although he does have the option of bowling pro too if he wants (money keeps him from this).

There is not one single day of the week that I am told "I have to do this first, or I have to see this customer first" before I get any time with him, which is dinner and maybe a dinner and a movie. Also, I'm a single mother and it's a struggle to get him to see anything my kids are doing. (Im divorced because my ex husband of 18 years was emotionally void) I on the other hand, give up time with my friends for whatever time he has for me because I feel it's important to me.

Fed up, I asked for a break for obvious reasons. His answer was (and I quote)..."but I like hanging with you".....when I questioned that....he changed it to "but I love spending time with you".

You date a girl for 2.5 yrs and when she wants a break to re-evaluate things you say this.

He can't see what his answer told me. PLEASE.....for his sake, please spell it out. I will be showing this to him....

Thank you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 5:51am

To be honest, you're pinning too much significance on his words. Even if he'd declared undying love for you, the relationship still wouldn't be meeting your needs....and you'd still have to end it.

What I'm not sure about is why you need a break to figure this out. He's not right for you and you know it. Taking a break only drags out this whole thing and causes everyone unnecessary pain.

Take the bull by the horns and end this relationship once and for all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 2:48pm

Well it seems that the relationship didn't even start

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 3:44pm

If you're with a man who took a year of your relationship to get over his last girlfriend, I think that is a big problem.

End the relationship, you're a part-time girlfriend and changing his words around isn't going to change that. You want and need more than he can give, and you've been settling for too little. Stop sacrificing for someone who won't do the same for you. You're only hurting yourself by continuing to pine for someone whose feelings don't match your own. Just start packing, you're not stuck with this guy and he may not be a bad person but he's not compatible with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 6:38am

I'm sorry but I don't think he's that into you.

Edited 3/2/2010 1:57 am ET by newyearpub
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2010
Sat, 03-13-2010 - 8:22pm

Thanks to everyone and your thoughts.

It's taken some time but I finally got a conversation that "went somewhere" with him getting things...a little.

Believe it or not he said I had commitment issues!! Because I run away. This is NOT running away. This was about me seeing that things were not going to change after 2+ years and willing to make the move to move on. He then told me "I love being with you so don't call unless you want to talk".

My answer was "Me. After 2.5 yrs, it's ME you should be loving, not being with me. To which he said..."I do love you, but not in love with you. I don't love myself". I told him of course he doesn't love me or he wouldn't drag me through this type of relationship. I told him until he loves himself enough to love someone else, I'm not a GF.

Then he tried to turn it all on me. How THIS weekend he's free and I'M the one not making any effort to do anything. Are you freaking KIDDING ME?????

He recently lost his job (plant closing) and was offered same job 90 miles away for more pay. He's been contemplating it but wants a relationship with me. Based on what I have no clue. He refuses to move, and would commute which is crazy. I told him I want him to do what makes him happy, (more money, job security, whatever) because that's what you do for those you care about. You want them to be happy even if you sacrifice and let them move away for the good of them. Instead he makes me feel guilty for not jumping at a weekend of 26 he's finally free. As if ONE weekend will make a relationship of a lifetime.

BTW...he claims he's going to a counselor. This is the answers I get for him getting "Help". He honestly thinks I should be along for the ride while he sorts out his issues. If I wanted to live like that I would have stayed married to my ex. He has the same issues he had before, just a different wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 4:24pm

" To which he said..."I do love you, but not in love with you. I don't love myself".

OK if he said this, then it's time to go your separate ways. He took a year to get over another woman while he was with you; he doesn't love himself so he's not a whole person to enter a relationship to being with;, and he's not in love with you!

No more arguing, no more explaining or getting answers, it's done. Just move on and start working on your own personal deal breaker list.

Do you not agree? I know it's 2.5 years, but it got you no where and no need to hang on any longer!

I feel badly for his dog if he's gone that much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 6:19pm

By "getting somewhere with him" it seems that you are really kind of strangely demanding that he love you, and keep thinking that if only he UNDERSTOOD this or that, then he would get it that he is supposed to love you. I just don't think you're making a lot of sense. For one thing, you seem to be listening selectively. He said he's NOT in love with you. Did you hear that? His actions the entire 2.5 years have very clearly said you don't mean that much to him. Did you experience that? So then, what is it that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2010
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 7:15pm

Actually, it's quite the opposite.

What I mean by "getting somewhere" with him is getting to him to see that we aren't working. It works for him because when he finally has time, he calls on me. And expects me to be available when he finally is. Where I'm getting is him understanding that this relationship isn't working for me and it's time for us BOTH to move on, because he doesn't have the deep feelings either. HE REFUSES to give up on us, irregardless of the fact that Im willing to move on. Just today he called my kids to go to lunch (something he never does) and stops over "to hang out" as if the conversation from the previous day never happened where I told him once again where I stood, how I felt etc. As if finally doing something with my kids "fixes it". Because every time I want to move on, he does this. Then 2 days later it's back to the same thing.

I told him flat out I wanted a break. I told him flat out this isn't want I want and it's not working for me. I told him he needs to love himself and then look into a relationship. He keeps calling. I ignore them. Then he's at my door or suddenly in my house. I have told him so many times in so many different ways that the relationship is not what I want. And it's not because he doesn't "love me". I know he doesn't love me. I've always known. He just wants what he wants and he wants me in his life, when it works for him and only then. That's not he type of relationship I want.

He told me he doesn't love me because he doesn't "really know" me. He's had 2.5 yrs to spend time getting to know me enough to love me. I can't get him to know me or fall in love with me if he isn't around. I've been here asking for his time. I'm not asking any more. His time has been an issue from the beginning. I put it out there right away. He always promised to work on it. It lasted a week on average. He just simply can't. He works until 6:30 pm (or did)...then sees customers of his per his choice of times ever day/night of the week and bowls leagues 3 nights a week up to 60 miles away, then bowls on weekends up to 90 miles away. Not because he has to, because he wants to. His customers don't even make him that much money. He enjoys it, it's all he's done since 7. It's his life, not mine. He doesn't have time. I accept that. I'm willing to move on. It's not about me wanting or expecting him to love me a certain way. If he doesn't have the time to be in a relationship, isn't over a GF or doesn't love himself, he's not in a place to love anyone else or be in ANY relationship. It's about making HIM realize that he doesn't feel that way and that it's OK. What's NOT ok is expecting me to just put my life on hold for a relationship that suits only him, is on his terms and he can't even respect me enough to give me the freedom when I want it.

I can accept that he's not into me. I've been trying to tell him that for a long time that he's not. You aren't into someone and then put them on a back burner to every other thing in your life. I get that. He honestly thinks putting the relationship last is being "into me".

Don't I have a right to be a little angry when I've told someone over and over again the relationship isn't want I want and they just don't CARE and just ignore my need to move on?? It's frustrating as hell. His needs are always more important, right down to the need to have me because he doesn't want to be alone. Well I'm tired of being alone in a relationship. I want someone available to do things with. I'm not mad that it's not him or he doesn't love me. I'm mad he doesn't give me the space to find someone who I can have something with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 10:20pm

"What I mean by "getting somewhere" with him is getting to him to see that we aren't working."

"Don't I have a right to be a little angry when I've told someone over and over again the relationship isn't want I want and they just don't CARE and just ignore my need to move on??"

"I can accept that he's not into me. I've been trying to tell him that for a long time that he's not."

Is this like that one Seinfeld episode where George tried to break up with that woman, but since she wasn't on board with the break up they stayed together?

I'm just confused as to all the times you said it wasn't working, that you needed to move on, that somehow this kept going. How long did that go on for?

I would say this (and the same thing I said to my ex husband when I kicked him out), "Please, I do not want any contact via email, voice mail, letters, appearances, etc. for XXX months." Or you could say forever. If it doesn't work, then you can call the cops.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Wed, 03-17-2010 - 6:54am

He can't not allow you to move on. It sounds like you're saying he temporarily ramps up the attention then to try to get you back, but he wants you back on the same marginal space you always held. It kind of sounds like ambivalence on your part. You want out but then it's so nice when he does come around with that intense attention. ?