He doesn't want a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2005
He doesn't want a relationship
5
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 3:39pm

I've been dating this guy for a few months now. I have feelings for him and we have a great time together. We've been on vacation and I stay at his house a few times a week. He's constantly telling me that he doesn't want a relationship. He says that we will never be in a relationship because he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He said that he doesn't want to be with anyone else but he doesn't want to be committed. Should I bother staying with him? Why can't I be strong enough to say that enough is enough and I deserve to be with someone who wants to be my boyfriend?

I know he's not using me for sex because we only have it once a week/once every other week - not enough for me. I've talked to him about that too and he says that he's not the type of guy that needs to have it all the time.




Edited 10/1/2005 3:52 pm ET ET by kaylee513
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 5:07pm

You should only stay with him if you are fine with a no commitment, companionship and occasional sex type of relationship.

If you want more, this isn't your guy.

I can't answer why you're not strong enough to end it if this is not what you want...that's personal to each person (no one size fits all answer), and something to be discussed with a good counselor, I think.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-1998
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:56am

We all have been through this at one time or another and maybe have been the person to have done this to another. In my situation, in the end we only "hung out" for about let me see...1.5 years! Honestly, don't waste your time...Anyone who says that or uses that is weak...Thats a cop out answer...Its selfish for self entertainment at the cost of another human beings heart,emotions,and time. I know it sounds hard and you really want it to be,but don't rationalize that maybe one day you "may" be the person that he always or even try your hardest to show that you can be that person. Try your best to see the situation and really understand because anyone can be ready for a relationship if they wanted to make it work w/o pulling teeth or lifting a finger (not a pinky)...If he was into you as much you are him,he would do all the things that come natural i.e. call you when he thought of you as many times w/o thinking you/he is annoying etc...Don't be the "ok" girl for right now...Go out and give yourself the chance to meet someone that will give you the affection,comfort,support,sensitivity,and stability of knowing things between the both of you are definately strong and there is a bond w/o even having to say....I have learned that if I am not interested in a person(and I am a VERY busy person) I will say I do not have the time,which is the truth...but I would not lead a person on or flirt...If I am interested It shows through my actions physically,mentally, and spiritually...

Alisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 7:41pm

I agree with Alisa. My guy and me "hungout" or dated - not exclusively, just casually, for almost a year. Even though he made it quite clear that he didn't want anything serious, exclusive, didn't want strings attached - even though he stayed over and held me tight all night many times, and took me away on weekends, and treated me like a girlfriend, he STILL said no relationship - I put up with it, because I was in love with him, and hoped he would come around....well, he never did and he didn't love me back. Finally realizing I can't put myself through the whirlwind and ending it was one of the hardest things I did. It took me a loooong time to get him outta my system.

Bottom line is this: if he is acting like he is your boyfriend on HIS TERMS, and then telling you that he will not have a relationship with you, then guess what? He will not have a relationship with you! It's that simple.

Also, regarding the sex thing - if he is the type of guy that doesn't have to have sex often, and you are having sex with him once a week - then maybe that fulfills his needs perfectly. Are you seeing the bigger picture yet?

I certainly don't mean to sound harsh, but sweetie....hang in there if you can put up with no commitment, but if you think you can't, be good to yourself and get out. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 9:55pm

<< He's constantly telling me that he doesn't want a relationship. He says that we will never be in a relationship because he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He said that he doesn't want to be with anyone else but he doesn't want to be committed. Should I bother staying with him? >>

In short, no.

Basically, if a guy says "I don't want a relationship" ... believe him. However, as long as you're willing to give him all the benefits of a relationship ... dates, sex, a vacation buddy, etc ... why in the WORLD would he want a relationship?! He's got the best of both worlds ... the benefits of a relationship without the commitment.

If you know that you want a boyfriend, this isn't the guy for you. If you want a guy to spend time with, casual benefits, no strings attached ... then, by all means. But, don't trick yourself into thinking that he'll "come around" if you "stick around" because he won't. Why would he? He's already got what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:22am
I agree as far as why would he want a relationship if he is getting all the perks without having to go the extra mile. I know it sounds harsh but its the truth. If I were in your shoes I would pull back and stop giving him all the perks and maybe he will see why you are doing that. Sometimes people don't realize what they have until they lose it and that may be the case here. Let him lose the perks and see if that sparks a change. I don't know if it will necessarily work with him but it's worth a try. Good luck!