He finally says I love you - I'm scared!
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:43pm |
Hi there,
I need to talk to someone about how I'm feeling right now. I've been off and on with my ex bf for almost two years now. Things are going great and we are both really happy. We are seeing each other again..but it's not serious at the moment. Or so I thought. The reason being is he can't commit to me ... that's always been our problem...he's not ready for a committment. Anyways....today he said the words I've never heard in two years we've known each other - I love you. He told me I'm the most important person in his life too. I'm almost in shock. I've waited so long to hear these things, so why am I freaking out? I'm scared as hell that it's too good to be true. I've never had luck in love and this boy is the person I wanna be with more than anything. How can I make myself relax a little and stop worrying about him meeting someone else? He's a great guy and I know he'd never hurt me. I just don't know how to let myself be happy.
Thanks.
Lynne.

This may sound odd to you, but I think YOU are the one who is afraid of commitment. Why? Because you've stuck around through the off and on, you've endured the lack of commitment to you because that risk and hurt is far more acceptable to you than the real risk and hurt that can come from truly giving yourself to someone. You've always been able to keep some part of you seperate here, because the off again always came and I think subconsciously you knew the off again would come. Now though, he's said he loves you. He's working towards something real, something you and he never had. Suddenly a new risk of hurt is presenting itself, which has you "freaking out", because the prospect of an off again isn't so predictable.
I suggest delving into your past, your childhood, to find out where you've learned that loving someone means losing them.
lynne81...
PG doesn't understand this???
You finally have gotten the 3 words you've been waiting to hear...and you're scared???
What are you scared about?
Do you think they were sincerely meant? Or did your b/f say them because he knew they were what you wanted to hear? .
Why not observe his behavior towards you over the next 3 months? If you discover he's more passionate and demonstrates the desire to FINALLY MAKE A COMMITMENT...that's terrific! If everything remains the same (by August) as it is NOW...you've gotten 'lip service' and nothing more!
Pianoguy
Dear Lynne:
Awesome! Good for you! You should enjoy this milestone in your relationship with your bf. You might be scared because you and he are progressing towards intimacy and commitment. Not just sexually, but really starting to take responsibility for a relationship, and that is scary!
There's a lot of advice that you might find very helpful and many women on the mars venus boards also trying to successfully negotiate relationships. I hope you will come and join us--especially, since you have so much to offer having gotten this far in your relationship! It's a tribute to you, really, that you didn't lose your love for this guy. I hope you'll come and share your whole story! beyondmeasure
Thank you so much for your replies. I appreciate it greatly!! I will keep in touch!
Lynne
Dear Lynne:
Another poster suggested that you might yourself be commitment phobic, and I wanted to share that that is a real possibility for you as well. We all have CP tendencies, Lynne, so it's important to self examing. Marsvenus frames the problem as 90/10: where 90% of the choice we make have to do with what happened to us in previous relationships, and often echo down the corridors of time to our deepest childhood pain.
So, don't fear self-examination! Come to the MV site too as well as posting here--there is just a boatload of loving, challengin, support out there.
Best wishes, sweetie!
beyondmeasure