He May Not Ready

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2009
He May Not Ready
5
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 10:42pm

I'm seeing a guy for a few months. We have a nice relationship with lots of conversation and affection. He's a good bf because he's very intuitive. The problem is, he seems well trained, rather than sincere. He knows when I need to be called, knows how to hold me, and on the surface will do things that are expected. Its like he doesn't want to blow it and have another failed relationship.

BUT, he may not be over the ex. He still brings her up in conversation. It was a long relationship-seven years long. It ended a year ago. I've been there too, and it took a long time to get used to being single again. He does care about me, but seems limited by the flame he still carries for her. She cheated on him and left him. He seems to have developed an inferiority complex and works hard to show he's moved on. This is of course, my opinion.

I love the relationship. We have good conversations and good sex, but I can't help but be insecure about his ex. She seems to be over him, but because she broke his heart, he's still having to deal with the pain. It causes him to mention her often. One annoying one recently was after having sex and what she used to do to him. I was not amused and told him.

Should I stick around and wait and see if my relationship will get stronger? I can tell him to stop talking about her, but it wont stop the feelings he has. I want him to work thru it and get over her. Should I even dare bring the issue up with him? Not really sure how to work pass this or leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 7:23am

"One annoying one recently was after having sex and what she used to do to him. I was not amused and told him."

That's really gross of him. What was his reaction when you told him?

Have you told him about your feelings? I can't see your relationship very clearly without getting his take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 10:37am

It does sound like he may not be ready. She dumped him, but that doesn't mean he is available to date someone else. He is unavailable because his mind appears to still be with his ex.


I personally couldn't stay dating him and "wait and see" because I value myself more than being some guys rebound. I won't volunteer for being the woman he experiments on getting over another woman with. I couldn't deal with or pretend to be okay with him constantly bringing up another woman.


I would not be angry about it though. He's not a bad guy for it, he's just not available to be a boyfriend on the mental level of being with you. He's still with her. That's something he needs to work through and accept and move on from, but you don't have to subject yourself to the side effect of hurting you while he's doing that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2009
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 12:26pm

He was embarrassed. He does and says things before he thinks. Other people probably don't have a reaction to the ex talk, but because I do, he's seeing how much he's still not over it. He's acknowledged he needs to work harder to get over it.

I feel for him. Its more than cheating that occurred. She is a different culture; she chose to dump him because of her family and the desire to marry someone from the culture. There is nothing he could do about it and theres nothing he can do. It's made him insecure. I come along, and although he does like me, things can't move ahead. I do feel like that spot is reserved, just in case.

So, I'm not oblivious to all of this, but its hard to walk away. He's a good guy, very good looking. And it's hard to leave someone that is treating me so well and respectfully. I think the right thing to do, is talk to him about it, and take a break. He needs to decide how to get over it himself. I remember, I went thru it myself. So, I will miss out, but maybe I can be unselfish and let him go off and get over her, and also see if he really can dedicate himself to me.

So, opinions would be cool.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 5:19pm
There's no "work" involved in getting over someone. It just happens over time when he allows himself to. There's nothing for him to work at. It means he needs to be single when he's recovering from the relationship, not on a break (that adds pressure to get it done ASAP), he needs to just be single.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2009
Sun, 07-05-2009 - 9:57am
I think if you're willing to ride out the gaffes and accidental slip-of-the-tongues, you can make it work. It seems to me that he is still hurting from his ex and is needing to vent to someone. You being there and listening, may be the therapy he needs to get it off his chest. I know i talk about my ex sometimes and hes been gone 2 years. I am over all the issues but sometimes need to have my feelings validated.
If he treats you fantastic in every other way and likes being with you, you may be the help he needs to heal those emotional wounds. I would give him a bit more time as he sounds worth it.
Good luck to you whichever way you choose.