He messaged me this morning
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| Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:16am |
If you read my earlier posts (look for my user name) you'll get the history. For the thread w. 63 posts, you only need to read the few last ones to see what happened.
Anyway, he messaged me on MSN this morning. What the he**? He was just being super casual about it, until I decided I had never got the answers to the questions I had, because his change in attitude & decision to break up were so radical, just a few days after I told him I was falling for him.
So I basically cornered him, I think he probably regrets ever initiating this morning's conversation.. ;) needless to say I didn't get many answers, he is good at dodging my questions. That was difficult for me, this whole getting in touch with him again after the breakup. It really twisted the knife in the wound.
I just wonder what could have prompted him to contact me?!?

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Here is his latest MSN post just 5 minutes ago:
Rach,there was nothing wrong with you at all,you are a truely wonderful woman,anyone would be lucky to be with you,we were together for over 2 months & it was not fully there for me,was it fair to stay & hope that it would be some day or leave before things got deeper,I did care & still do but that is it,I am sorry that I stayed so long,I wanted it to work but my feelings were not there after 2 & 1/2 months,I hope some day you will realize I did it for you as well as me,it was very difficult you know
So it makes me think of one of nick's posts 'I think it is over' where you said nick not to expect closure in terms of 'I'm sorry I'm a jackass and I think you deserve better etc etc' and not to expect that. Well in my case that's all he tells me, and that it hurts him that he hurt me etc. That only makes it harder in a way, because I can't accuse him of not doing that - does that make sense? But on the other hand, I know there are still some things that were bothering me and in the 'honeymoon phase' or first few months, there should not be anything bothering me, right? (see red flags in my last thread).
Only he truly knows WHY he IM'd you, but to be honest, when I IM a guy after breaking it off, it's because I want to see if he still cares about me, still wants me, because I want an ego boost, or something (just telling you what I used to do, don't do it anymore). Also, many times men come back, is for sex. Sad, but true. They try to be a friend, and then try to get in your pants.
Men come back for two reasons. Sex, or another chance. He doesn't want another chance, therefore, he's looking for sex, or an ego boost of some sort. Obviously, he's selfish if he can't be decent enough to know that he should leave you alone. He's not thinking about you, he's thinking about himself. I've seen this with many ppl in my life (not my men per se, but with women friends), and they keep coming back, as long as you let them.
And I agree, I highly doubt he'll say anything about being an ass. Because in my HONEST opinion, he wasn't one. Sort of. You told him you had feelings. He said he coouldn't reciprocate. He wasn't sure. And then he let you go, becuase he realized he didn't have any. At 2.5 months, you can't expect a whole lot more than that. I think it was decent of him to at least let you go. I don't think he lead you on. There were no promises made.
I suggest you block him on your email and IM. He'll only come back, and it'll hurt a bit less each time, but it'll still affect you. NC is the best way to go. Hugs. Also, if you want some control, tell him YOU would rather not talk to him anymore, so please don't contact you. That helps me. Taking control of the situation.
good luck.
~pineapple_girl
Thanks Pineapple. I had blocked him for a while, but curiosity got the better of me I guess. So I unblocked him yesterday and this morning he popped up on my screen. I don't know why he would come back for sex if he has someone else. So maybe he feels guilty and wanted to make sure I 'understood' I dunno.
I think he has been sleeping at OW's place quite frequently, but if he slept there last night he must have been up early if he MSN'ed me early this morning.
But I took your advice, and said that it would be better if we didn't talk anymore, as I'm not the type to drag on relationships that aren't going anywhere. Thanks for the tip. You are right, it gives me a bit more sense of 'control'.
I'm glad you did that. You may get curious, but it's best left alone. Trust me. lol. I was playing that game with my xh for almost 2 years. And everytime, it ended in us being angry with each other...again, and bitter, and sad, and hurt. Not worth it.
I honestly don't know if he was looking for sex, I was just throwing that out, as many men do. And also, just cuz he's with someone else, doesn't mean he's not willing to have sex with you. Sad, but true.
Keep him on ignore. You'll never get any decent responses from him that'll help you feel better about the situation. Its harder that way, but better in the long run.
Hugs. You're doing really great with this. Really, you are.
~pineapple_girl
Thanks but I feel ashamed, cuz we kept going back and forth all day on MSN despite that. But I have to find the strength to not initiate any conversations, and I don't think he will. Every time I ask him a direct question, I don't get an answer. For instance, I just asked him 'you still have not told me why you jumped so quickly into a new relationship if you're not over your ex 100%' and he did not respond. Go figure.
He keeps telling me that he does not know what was missing, but told me today one thing is for sure, I was still having trouble getting over my ex. Hmm. Oh well, at least it helps me not take it as personal. I think.
I told him I met someone over the weekend just to pinch him a bit. But I don't know how it was received. He just warned me about being this other guy's rebound too. Said he still cares about me bla bla.
He says if I know that this guy is not for the long term I should not get involved, bla bla - if he says he's not over his ex 100%, then does he think his new flame is for the long term? Trying to make sense of this man.
My best piece of advice regarding this statement "Trying to make sense of this man."
DON'T BOTHER!!!
Because no matter what, he's not going to be truthful with you. I mean, seriously, he could've been with that woman for over a month, HAS been over his x, but was keeping you at arms length, because he's more interested in the other woman.
So stop trying to make sense of him. You won't get any direct, nor honest answers. Trust me, all you're going to do is drive yourself nuts. No man in his right mind would ADMIT to purposely hurting you, or leading you on. And IMHO, I feel he did that, for longer than you think.
~pineapple_girl
I agree with pineapple girl, you need to stop overthinking this. There is nothing left to figure out it's over. It's time to start moving on and you can't do that if you keep analyzing the heck out of this.
I hadn't realized before how short of a time the two of you had been together.
I know this is a really difficult thing to do when you're attracted ot someone and like them a lot, but try to take things to the serious commited phase more slowly in the future. That doesn't neccessarily mean that you have ot see other people but try to manage your expectations more. Try to reserve judgement on the relationship's potential for the first couple of months and you'll find you don't get as wrapped up emotionallya nd when things don't work out it's easier to just let go.
It's easier to just say to yourself, "Okay, well I wasn't the girl for him and he wasn't the guy for me. NO one is a bad guy or girl it just didn't work."
Things moved really quickly with my fiance, but we didn't even talk about being exclusive until we had been dating 6-8 weeks. I hadn't decided that the relationship might have a serious future until about 3-4 weeks after that and it took a another couple of weeks to work up the nerve to tell him I loved him.
I know this is hard and it takes practice it took me until I was 31 to pull it off successfully and really learn to date and be okay with the fact that, guess what, almost all relationships "fail" because not many relationships are going to have what it takes to last for years and years let alone 'til death do us part. That's just life. The sooner you cna accept the nature of dating and the search for the right guy and stop looking for answer to "Why?" it just doesn't work the sooner you'll be able to date and be happy.
The truth is sometimes its no one's fault it just doesn't work.
It sounds like he liked you, you just weren't the girl for him and he ended it rather then continue dragging you through it. It's just that simple. There's no hidden meaning or agenda. Continuing to look for one is only going to impede the healing process. Stop talking to him, block him again, and try to distract yourself if you find yourself over-analyzing what happened.
Thanks girls,
Pineapple girl, I know he met her just a few days before he broke up with me, I heard it from friends. Plus he was always at my house before so I don't know where he would have gotten the time to see someone else.
But I agree with you both that I'm torturing myself trying to figure out why I was so convinced that he was as much into me as I was into him, and then all of a sudden he changed gears so radically.
I have blocked him now. I hope I have learned my lesson. Yesterday got me nowhere and only made me miserable at the end of the day. But I was so excited when his username popped up on my screen, it's like a drug rush you know? Like you can't get enough?
I don't like dating all kinds of guys, I would rather wait until I see something I really like and then I don't like head games. I guess it depends on people. Some will date & date & date and actually like it that way. So I guess my perogative is to not make it my position that most relationships fail, but maybe should be the next one could be the right one, but without like you said, jumping to the serious stuff too fast. For instance, he was the one who was ALWAYS at my house, if not he was calling me all the time. Maybe he just doesn't like being alone I don't know.
The worst thing is, knowing me, I know pretty much for sure that once I meet someone else, if it's someone I like, I prolly won't even think much about him anymore. That's the way I am.
Hugs.
"I have blocked him now. I hope I have learned my lesson. Yesterday got me nowhere and only made me miserable at the end of the day. But I was so excited when his username popped up on my screen, it's like a drug rush you know? Like you can't get enough?"
I totally know what you're talking about. To this day, if I ever see my xh's name pop up, my heart skips a beat. It's stupid, but something about him, just gets to me.lol.
Point being.....you're doing well, and we're here to keep you on track. Don't ever feel stupid or wrong about your decisions "right now", because you're just reacting to your emotions, which is normal and okay.
And I'm glad you blocked him. Be strong. Try to leave it that way. :)
And lastly, a piece of advice. I'm like you. I don't like to 'date' just to date. And usually I won't date anyone more than twice, if I don't feel anything. So, for next time, create some boundaries. Like, even if you fall for the guy, don't allow him to be at your house 24/7. Don't fall into the "gf/bf" situation until you are OFFICIALLY that. Don't see the person everyday, or 5 times a week. See them 2-4 times. Make it more interesting, versus just jumping. Trust me, I'm working on this myself. :)
Good luck. So far, I think you're doing wonderfully. One step back, two steps forward, and next thing you know, you'll be over him and wondering what you were mourning.
~pineapple_girl
Thanks Pineapple girl
I appreciate your words of encouragement. No I don't intend to unblock him, as tempting as it is. I know that with time I will forget about him. And when you say that to this day, your heart skips a beat when your ex pops up on your screen, well hopefully if I can keep this one blocked this should not be happening to me huh?
However I must say that I don't even feel anything anymore when my husband of 13 years contacts me, and it's only been a year in May that we separated. And I thought I would not survive when we separated, he was everything to me. So I guess we do heal completely eventually, and based on this one experience, I get the feeling that I must be pretty resilient so hopefully I will not get that skipped heartbeat when I see or hear from my ex in a few months from now. Although the fact that my ex husband and I have to talk regularly because of our daughter, maybe that demystified him to my eyes. Maybe the reason we 'skip a beat' when we hear from or see an ex, is because due to lack of contact, we have not 'demystified' them in our mind. Does that make sense or should I go back to bed? ha ha.
I just wish there was a surefire way to stop thinking about them, a formula that works everytime. For instance I read somewhere, everytime you catch yourself thinking about him, snap a rubber band around your wrist. I wish there were some other tips like that i.e. some things we can tell ourselves that snaps us back right away.. you know?
Also what I found is that, most people will say not to get involved too soon after a breakup, but in my case, being with someone new is what I need to get over the last one. How do you think I got over my ex husband so relatively quickly? I guess not everyone is the same, so the 'rebound' thing does not apply to everyone I believe.
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