He messaged me this morning

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
He messaged me this morning
24
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:16am

If you read my earlier posts (look for my user name) you'll get the history. For the thread w. 63 posts, you only need to read the few last ones to see what happened.

Anyway, he messaged me on MSN this morning. What the he**? He was just being super casual about it, until I decided I had never got the answers to the questions I had, because his change in attitude & decision to break up were so radical, just a few days after I told him I was falling for him.

So I basically cornered him, I think he probably regrets ever initiating this morning's conversation.. ;) needless to say I didn't get many answers, he is good at dodging my questions. That was difficult for me, this whole getting in touch with him again after the breakup. It really twisted the knife in the wound.

I just wonder what could have prompted him to contact me?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 12:43pm

totlaly understand about the demystifying stuff. And yes, for me, I think it has more to do with NC for 3 years, and then contact again. It literally made my heart skip a beat, and then I realized, dammit, I'm not over him. AUGH!!! But, although it could happen, he won't contact me, and he's blocked on my IM. So, no more hearts beating extras. lol.

But, I hear ya on all that. And well, sadly, I always say, time doesn't heal all wounds, love does. Meaning, falling in love heals your other wounds, hence the rebound. Although, I did break that pattern, because I wondered, have I been on one BIG rebound since "my first true love" back in 91? AUGH! lol

Hugs. You'll make it. One day at a time. And yes, we all have our slips and falls, but in the end, we pick ourselves up, brush it off, and move on.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 1:45pm

HI there,

I don't think it's being on a 'big rebound' I think it's all part of life. The older we get, the more baggage. I think all the relationships we have in our lifetime have their place in our lives/hearts somewhere. Does not mean that it keeps hurting, but certain events can trigger reactions in us in relation to these past relationships.

It would be relatively impossible to just erase someone from our memory / heart, whatever we may want to call it. They are part of our makeup, no matter how much we want them to be or not to be. I think time and love and many other factors work together to help heal wounds. Wounds always heal. They may leave little scars, but we should learn to see those scars as little reminders that we have lived.

I feel bad for people who choose to give up and never trust or open their hearts to love again, because they are afraid. I think the best way to heal is to have someone new to love and to be loved by. There is no better cure in my opinion. We have to accept that life is made up of all those little scars, and our little successes and trophies along the way.

I know I don't feel this optimistic all the time, but it's important to keep all this in mind for when we feel down, to know that the sun always comes out again. To know that it's ok to try and fail sometimes and try again.

Hmm - feeling philosophical today aren't we he he

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 2:00pm

I went back and read you original post and I did not read any of the responses but with the way you are writing now he has broken up with you. When I read your original post I was flabbergasted that you were pushing so hard after only 2 months. This man has had 45 years of different types of relationships that have either allowed him to grow healthy as a man at times or tear him up and leave him wounded. (Just like the rest of us) What would have been wrong with not knowing how he felt about you at 2 months. To tell him how you feel so quickly was not the right move. You knew he had recently been wounded and you pressured him by opening up and pouring out your heart. You know yourself that was the wrong thing to do. The most important question here is you're a mature woman so why is he still on your MSN list? Why have you not BLOCKED him? Because you are thriving on the heart ache. This is not about WHY he messaged you this morning. It's about making yourself healthy in relationships. A true sign of character in a person is to BLOCK him even though it hurts. You continue to want to torture him at least until the next guy comes along. Let the poor man go. Learn from your mistakes and wait until the right guy comes along and be patient.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 2:25pm

WHAT?!!

"You knew he had recently been wounded and you pressured him by opening up and pouring out your heart. You know yourself that was the wrong thing to do."

First of all, I don't think there is anything wrong with telling someone how you feel. If you can't be honest with someone I think you're off to a bad start. That's to begin.

" You continue to want to torture him at least until the next guy comes along. Let the poor man go."

Poor man? Let the poor man go?

Secondly, yes he broke up with me, why do you think? Because he met someone else BEFORE he even broke up with me. So no, he is not the victim. And just so you know, I was not pushing anything. HE was always at my house, HE was always calling me, HE was showing me all kinds of affection, until I let him know that I was beginning to fall for him, and then he turns around, and flirts with another woman at the gym, then dumps me. And you are trying to tell me that HE's a victim and poor man, I have to let him go? You got me shaking my head real good here. Go back and read the whole story before you let your fingers type all kinds of nonsense. I mean come on!

His own best friends don't even understand him, and can't believe what he did to me. That should tell you something huh? He had something real good here, and yeah, after 3 months usually you can tell whether you are into someone or not, so why on earth should I not have been honest with a man whom I thought was feeling the same way about me based on his actions.

Anyway I just don't think it is fair for you to come on here and accuse me of all sorts of things that I'm certainly not guilty of. Unblocking him was a gut reaction, because yes, crucify me, but I was trying to come to terms with all this, and did not get any closure from the man. But I did not contact him, he did. So how do you figure that I'm the one to blame again?

I certainly don't have anything to learn from you, you don't sound like a very logical or sensible person so please keep your nonsense to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 3:01pm

Why do you find you have to understand him? Why can't he just be himself? I have learned alot over the years and know that you push a man after being wounded he is going to run.

Sorry you don't agree with my post. I posted it to assist you. I meant no harm.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 3:32pm

Well, I cna tell you what I've always done after a break up.

I wallow in self-pity for a day or two, I eat a lot of food that's bad for me and watcha lot of bad romance comedies. Then I start talking myself down. I remind myself that there's a very small percentage of guys out there that are going to be right for me (more then one exists but there not 25% of the population) and that I have to be patient, becasue I don't want to end up witht the wrong one anyway.

I remind myself of how great my life is whether there's a guy is in it or not. I go out with my girlfriends and I have fun.

I remind myself that I have to kepe trying and that there's no sense in worrying about a guy that OBVIOUSLY wasn't right for me because a guy that was right for me wouldn't have dumped me.

I remind myslef how completely useless and rediculous it is for me to sit at home wallowing in self-pity over some guy that's WRONG for me anyway. I mean that's just silly.

In other words when I get emotional and start getting misty thinking of what might have been I use my BRAIN to remind myself of all the reasons it NEVER would have bene with him and start thinking about all the things I have to offer the guy it CAN be with.

I tlak to myself a LOT when I get emotionmal about anything becasue letting your emotions lead you through life is no way to live, well at least it isn't for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 10:22am

Good points Nick

This guy that had been waiting for ex-b to get out of the picture for over three months has jumped on the occasion and we have spent some time together - we have seen each other three times now.

And while I'm not 'lovestruck' as I was with ex, (which may be a good thing as this time I know it is not just physical), he treats me like gold and is sooo very sweet with me. It worries me a bit that I don't feel all the fireworks as with ex, but then again I feel a sense of peace when around him, i.e. I'm not worrying about stuff like him saying he's not there 100%, not over his ex girlfriend, etc. He is ALL there for me and shows me a lot of affection and undivided attention.

Do you agree that this might be the best type of love - based not on fireworks but on how important and special a person makes you feel.. not that we're talking about love so early on, but when you begin a new relationship there is no telling where it will go and I don't like to waste time so I always like to look at all the possibilities..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 11:33am

Well, all I can tell you for 100% certain is my own experience.

I have only been in a reltionship with one guy that I was extremely attracted to right formt he beginning. He turned out to be an emotionally abusive, narcistic jerk, with MAJOR issues. The three GOOD relationships I have been in all started with being attracted to the person and their personality, not being attracted physically, the strong physical attraction developed later with all three. Usually, within a couple of weeks, but still it wasn't that immediate chemistry.

There was a connection but it was on a more personal less physical level. I just really enjoyed spending time with a three.

The only other guys I've ever dated that I had that kind of instant chemistry never turned into anything. A couple I dated as long as a month or two, but either I decided they weren't for me or they decided I wans't for them. For the most part I discovered they were kind of jerks.

It's part of the reason I started giving guys I wans't super-attracted to more of a chance. The guys I was frequently turned out to be jerks, or BORING!!!!

Personally, I'll take the passion that comes from being in love with a person for who they are and finding them atttractive mentally and emotionally over the passion that comes from immediate animal attraction anyday.

You should be careful though, there's a fine line between wanting to love someone because they make you feel great about yourself and really loving them for who they are. I've done that before too. And in the end that's not great either.

It may sound great to have someone love you with all their heart and know that they'll never leave you even though you don't return that love at the same level. It's less great in reality. It leaves you feelings sort of short-changed.

You have to find someone who is a partner and an equal. Some one who returns your feelings and soemone who not only loves you with all their heart but you love them with all of yours. It may take a while to find - it took me 16 years - but it's well worth the wait.

And I've got to tell you it feels REALLY good knowing he and I both waited until we were 100% sure and that we never promised another person we'd spend forever with them until we met each other. No small feat for a woman that is 33 and a man who is 32, usually, people are on marriage number two by our age.

The best advice I can give you is enjoy dating, enjoy meeting new people, enjoy being in relationships, and just accept the fact that MOST relationships don't last and that's okay because when you do find the one that does it just makes it that much better. Does that mean you'll get hurt? Yes, it does, but going through those experiences teaches you things you could never learn any other way. BE open to those experiences and LEARN from them and then when you find the special guy that you can spend forever with you'll be ready to give him all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 12:24pm

Thanks Nick for your message and your tips.

I can tell you that I could not live with someone I did not love. That is not what I'm saying. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think someone who treats me right and is there for me, I would find easy to love, so to speak.

I must say that there is an attraction, I'm not indifferent to this man, and he is my style. Otherwise I never would have gone on a second date with him. The only diff is what you described as animal attraction, is not as present with him as it was with my ex bf. But from talking to some people, I find more and more that the strong relationships don't necessarily begin with fireworks, but grows as you get to know the person, and when the person is good to you. Know what I mean?

I met a guy just before that one, who was also extremely nice to me and everything, but as soon as I met him I knew right away there would never be anything between us.. but when I met this one, I also knew right away that there could be potential, I could see myself with a guy like that. Does that make sense? And by the third date, I could already feel that I liked him more and was more comfortable with him.

I don't know if I'm fooling myself, but it just feels so natural so far.. I was a bit reticent at the beginning because I was scared that if I wasn't 'jumping' all over him that it wasn't right, but I'm beginning to think that this might actually be healthier..

your thoughts..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 1:40pm

hey Rapunzele...sorry it's been a while. i just read the last 20 posts...wow...so you've moved on from the one it just wasn't meant to work out with and now you've met another where there just might be potential. Yay!

Give this a go, for sure! Maybe if things start off a little less fire-work-ey, you'll tend not to get so attached emotionally as quickly, at least, which may lead to a healthier outcome and more natural and equal progression for the two of you.

It's a great feeling being with a guy who's not shy to let you know he's smitten, but remember....it's all about getting to know a person to see if you're compatible..and just like in your ex-b/f case, there is always the chance that you might not be.
I don't bring this up to open wounds, Rapunzele, but to help you see that the deal with the ex might just have been much simpler than you realiezed and no amount of trying to figure it out would have changed it. It's important not to just move on and forget but to reflect on a situation and really learn from it next time around. I dont' think you were wrong at all for expressing your feelings for him...i guess i just also dont think he shoudl be faulted for the fact that he didnt' return those feelings. You can't control who will love us, who we'll love, etc...

I think your ex b/f did the right thing by letting you go if he knew he wasn't reciprocating the feelings you had for him. He could have strung you along but he didn't and i am sure he liked you/cared about you, which might very well have been why he was hoping that might change and why he was giving the relationship a go for a while and made the effort to call and spend the time with you. I mean it sounds like he genuinely liked you as a person which would mean of course he would miss to some dregree you after letting you gomean(which is even probably why he im'ed you). If you like and respet a person, you do the right thing for them too - even if it means its hard for you and them. If you don't truly respect the person, you will be less concerned with what is right for them, and more concerned about yourself and, in turn, you might be more apt to just carry on leading someone on without regard for their feelings. He didn't chose the latter and that should tell you something.
Try not to be bitter with him....and realise what will be, will be...and when it's right, you'll feel it. Good luck with things ~