He moved! I'm sad. I don't like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
He moved! I'm sad. I don't like it.
4
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 10:13am

So here's my story in as short a way as I can tell it. Seven months ago I started going out with this man that I called "Nice Man," just because he was so! We went out almost every weekend, and we'd see each other during the week sometimes too. We talked on the phone and we even took a long weekend trip together after about two months. Everything was going really well and when the conversation started about becoming a for-real couple, he drops the bomb that he might be moving out of state in three months. That move came last week. I was there, watching the movers, helping him pack, and we said goodbye. He's only been gone a week, and we have talked (he calls, I call, or vice versa).

I just feel so sad because he's gone and we didn't solidify the relationship before he left. All he would say, everytime we talked about it, is that he is hesitant to be in a long distance relationship because they have not worked for him before. He says that's an improvement because before me his answer to long distance relationship was absolutely not. (I don't see hesitant as an improvement, but he swears it is.)

I don't know why I'm sad though. Is it because he's gone? Is it because I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop? We've talked about me visiting when the weather breaks, but I'm just not sure that will happen. What am I

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 11:51am

I don't know if I would put too much emphasis on "why" you are sad. It's normal to be sad when someone you care about moves away. There may be lots of other reasons why but not seeing them anymore is difficult.

It's only been a week... It's going to take some getting accustomed to. Don't fault yourself for feeling lonely or hurt or unsure after what is only really a few days.

Why don't you two keep in touch, and see how the next visit goes? At that time you can decide together if a long-distance relationship is do-able or if it is not. It's hard to tell right now.

You do have to bear in mind that this relationship can't stay long-distance forever. After a certain amount of time, one or both of you would have to move so that you can be together. If that isn't in the cards for you at all ever, then staying together would be a waste of time. But, I do think you should give yourselves time to acclimate to the change, see how future visits go, and then re-address the issue when you're together next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 12:09pm
Thanks so much! I just needed to say it to somebody and hear a sensible answer. Your response really helped!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 4:19pm

I agree with advice given so far. At the 7-8 month mark you guys are somewhat invested, but not enough to make a "grand" gesture at this point.

How did you occupy yourself during the week, evenings, and on the weekends before you were dating? I find that when I'm in a relationship, many of the things I enjoy (seeing friends, trips, reading books, cooking, yoga classes) I just don't participate in to the degree I used to, as there is simply not enough time to do it all. If one of us were to relocate, I would seek to fill my time with more of these, and be more proactive about getting together with my group of friends more frequently for hikes and the other outdoor activities we enjoy.

Do you have any activities or friends that have been sidelined, or had to be less involved in as you spent more time with this guy? Can you pick these up again? Point is to fill the time so you don't miss him so much, and have interesting activities going. This makes better topics for your conversations too, rather than just recapping the minutae of your day and proclamations of how much you miss him. It also subtly sends him the message that your life is continuing, and it's interesting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Fri, 02-11-2011 - 12:06am

Before we started going out, I had a lot going on. I was working alot and I always worked out (we met at the gym)...I was always going out with my friends, doing something. I think that's one of the reasons he was attracted to me. He likes that lively part of me. It also was the summer and there was so much more to do. Now that it's the dead of winter and literally below freezing where I live, there's not much going on. Plus my circle of friends has gotten smaller as people are moving away, having babies and moving in with their boyfriends.

I think that's one reason I'm really taking this kind of hard. It seems that everyone around me is making major life changes, and here I am again, single and working, working out, and living my life like I did before I finally had a guy to do things with. And he goes and moves away!

I do appreciate the advice and it reminds me that I do want to try to do more things with my friends so I'll try to get things started back up again. I am planning a road trip later this month, and having a girls dinner with one of my friends on the dreaded V-day. I'm sure there will be much more to do once this deep freeze starts to break. Thanks for the advice!