is he the one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
is he the one?
9
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:32am


about 3 months ago i met a great guy and we hitted off straight away. at the beginning of the relationship he did all the pursuing by calling everyday and messaging me on my mobile. he asked me to be his gf and introduced me to his mum (he is the only son of a single parent family). we talked about the future together and he thinks that i might be "the one" for him and we talked about marriage and moving into his place feb next year. everything was going well until one day he started to have arguments with his mum about his independence and then everything seems to go downhill from then. he seems really down and says he has a lot of issues to sort out with his mum and work as she is very dependent on him and i would be expected to live together with her when we get married. he seems to be distant and don't want me to get involved and wanted to "take a break" as he feels he has too much on his plate at the moment as he works 2 jobs and is basically exhasted. he also says that while he has the arguments with his mum he was also considering our relationship and where it is going and he is not sure about the future anymore. he says maybe we think differently sometimes and what would happen in the future if we have kids and how would that affect the upbringing for them.

i am devastated. it's been a month since we had the last discussion and i haven't spoken to him since. i was really angry last time so i told him not to bother when he says he wanted to "stays friends" and see what happens. he says he doesn't want me to wait for him as he feels that would be unfair for me. i don't understand how he can be so in love then all of a sudden break it off. i am so confused and hurt and i don't know what to do anymore. i don't want to give him pressure but then i dont' want him to think that i am being unreasonable and don't care anymore. what do u think i should do? thanks for all your inputs! greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: ibobo19
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:39am
I was in a similar situation and had the same concerns. How could they love one minute and disconnect the next. My answer is that men are a totally different species! My advise is to give him space but while doing that carry on with your life as though you are not expecting for him to come back. I know that it is hard b/c you love him and don't even want to be bothered with someone new but it's all about survival of the fittest. He has his own reasons as to why he wanted to be apart from you and unfortunately you have no choice but to accept it right now. If you reach out to him he may think that you are too much to handle and confirm his doubts so don't feed into temptation. As hard as it is stand your ground. If he loved you as you loved him then he should find his way home pretty soon. Good luck!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ibobo19
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:40am

If I'm reading your post correctly, you were only together for two months (you say you met him 3 months ago and haven't talked for a month), is that right? I think that anyone who talks about marriage so quickly doesn't have a clue what real love and commitment are. The two of you barely *knew* each other!

As the reality of the relationship set in, he realized he couldn't live up to the fantasies he'd spun, so he pulled away.

I would move on. I don't think he was ever really in love, but rather infatuated. That is not a reflection on YOU in any way, shape or form, it's just that love takes time and knowledge of the other person.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: ibobo19
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:45am
I agree sort of. Some people meet and fall in love rather quick and marry soon after so yes it's possible his feelings could have been true. SOome people do feel that when you now youknow but unfortunately I dont think he really knew : /
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ibobo19
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 11:06am

In the rare cases when people meet and marry right away and it actually works out, it's because the initial infatuation DID turn to love over time....they lucked out, in other words.

"We just knew" is only true in 20/20 hindsight. There are plenty of people who THOUGHT they "just knew" and it turned out they were wrong...but you don't hear those stories because they aren't "romantic".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: ibobo19
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 11:11am
Everyones case is different. I do believe in fairy tales but I have also experienced horror stories. There is such a thing as love at first sight, atleast I think so. We all have our own beliefs. : D
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: ibobo19
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 12:01pm
I met my ex boyfriend about 4 years ago and we moved in together after 4 months and lived quite happily together for13 months and then I had to move back to the US. I thought we were going to marry each other and it was like a fairy tail...so yes, I do believe in meeting someone and realizing very quickly that they are VERY right for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: ibobo19
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 12:55pm
I loved the story : D
I believe in that 100%
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ibobo19
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 1:31pm

That seems like an example of the 20/20 hindsight I'm talking about ;-). It worked out (at least for the time you were together), so that confirms your feeling that you "knew".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
In reply to: ibobo19
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 4:26am
It is very hard when you make plans with somebody and then the situation change,actually he changes.But it happens,and the best you can do is not to blame yourself for that.Give yourself sometime to get over the things,look for your mistakes in that situation and go on,because you deserve to be happy!!!