Is he or isn't he?
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| Wed, 12-14-2005 - 10:25pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years (mind you, we started dating my freshman year of college so we are still in our early 20's). We have had several discussions about marriage, some promising, some not so much. My boyfriend has actually been the one to intiate the conversation far more often than I have (he has brought it up 2 or 3 times in the last year, possibly his best friend getting married had something to do with it). But, during one of these conversations (again, initiated by him), he said he's "Not Sure" if he wants to marry me (me, specifically, which was somewhat alarming). But he emphasized the not sure, and said he has definately considered it. I am going to be leaving for law school in 6 months and I told him I need an answer by then. I love him and I'm ready to commit, but I won't wait around for "I'm not sure." Recently, he's been asking me really strange questions about rings. For instance, we were watching a jewelry commerical on tv and there was a diamond solitaire on sale and he asked me "Is that an engagement ring?" On another occassion a jewelry catalogue came in the mail (in his name or "current resident) and we were flipping through it and he asked me "are these wedding bands?" No questions about necklaces or anklets, just rings.
What should I make of all of this? He's not opposed to marriage (although unsure about marrying me specifically, apparently), but now with all this ring talk, what should I be thinking?

>>what should I be thinking?<<
I think you shouldn't be looking for 'signs' of him proposing, rather you should be expecting a guy to be open and honest about his thoughts. This is your life too and you need to play a part in planning your own future. Contrary to what many people believe, I think that the whole marriage timing thing should be a joint decision....with either party being comfortable to raise their thoughts on the matter.
If he's refusing to discuss long term plans and timing with you, be wary.
My concern is that if I bring it up and force him to have a conversation when he's not ready it will make him back away. If he's on the fence my prodding could push him in a negative direction. I don't want to get married tomorrow, I just want to know. With my moving away to go to law school I want to know if he is coming with me or not because that makes a huge difference logistically (am I going to live on campus or off, should I look for a roommate, etc.). He seems to be fine having lengthy converstations about our future when he brings it up, but not when I do, and I think its an issue of him needing to feel like its on "his terms" and not me trying to talk him into anything. He knows how I feel. Last I heard he was still "not sure." At the time he said that I told him that I think he is sure and he just doesn't want to lock himself in one way or the other and that's not really fair to me. He said "I'm just not sure." He likes to wait until the last minute to do things, so I imagine he's going to put off any decision making until I actually have to send in housing info to my schools.
I am beginning to grow weary of the waiting, though. Which is my reason for this post. The ring talk has to mean something, if nothing else, that he is at least toying with the idea, right? I don't want to be one of those girls that blinds herself to a guy saying "I have no intention of ever marrying you," and then kicks herself later. And so often, that's what "I'm not sure means." So I'm starting to making plans for school that don't include him. But when his "unsureness" is coupled with "I've considered it." "I've looked at apartments/job opportunities in places you are thinking of applying." "Is this an engagement ring?" how can I eliminate the possibility?
you deserve a guy that not only would be sure about you in his future but would be excited about marrying you. You are right that so often "i'm not sure" means "i'm not sure about you". I've seen many girls convince their guys and pressure them into being sure. Yeah that's one way. But I think the best way is to find that someone who is man enough to plan a future with you. And someone who is confident that what he has in you, he can't get anywhere else. I've also seen girls who are lucky enough or smart enough to be with men like that. Unfortunately, I'm not there yet myself! SO, please just take this as advice.